OLD SONG: “My BAABYYYâ€™s GONE AND LEFT ME.”OLD BIT: “What do you get when you play a country song backwards? You get your dog back; you get your pickup truck back; and you get your girl back.”OLD BLUES STORY: “She sneaked over to the cheating part of town, and she threw my heart into the deep blue sea.” Yes, after decades together, my Lady Wonder Wench has left me…for a 14 year old guy.
THE REST OF THE STORY…the guy is a horse (gelded) and sheâ€™s coming back Friday…and it isnâ€™t really the cheating part of town, itâ€™s a riding facility in another state…and my heartâ€™s pretty much ok, but my stomach is growling, along with associated Viagral parts.
I AM NOT HELPLESS! Louie-Louie Generation guys are not helpless. As long as we have tv dinners, a microwave oven, crunchy peanut butter and jelly… and bread… and instant coffee… we will survive. But no matter how loud I turn up the music… DAMN, itâ€™s quiet around here …and her furry slippers with the crunched heels are staring at me… and I keep forgetting what time it is. But I know sheâ€™ll be back…so itâ€™s ok…sorta.
Iâ€™m also not dumb, so I know Iâ€™ve been the luckiest guy Iâ€™ve ever heard of with Wonder Wench. She was beautiful when she signed up with me, and since then, sheâ€™s turned that up to stun. Sheâ€™s a mother and friend to our kids and their kids…and she was my mom and dadâ€™s best friend. When I got fired at WNBC, and I decided to swap a six figure salary for a start up Hypnotherapy practice which took a while to clear the rent, she kept the office and my head straight. Sheâ€™s the star of just about everything I write…and almost everything I think about. Itâ€™s only for about a week…and she sure deserves the time off from me…so itâ€™s sorta ok. Sorta.
As Proud PodCast Participant Jim King says, “Donâ€™t worry…be happy.” Then he gives some good reasons why men are usually happier than women. For example: We canâ€™t get pregnant. Car mechanics tell us the truth. We donâ€™t have to stop and think about which way to turn a nut or bolt. People donâ€™t stare at our chests when they talk with us. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds. We can open our own jars. We can play with toys all our lives…yes…no wonder men are usually happier than women. (Thanks, Jim.)
I think the problem is timing. She picked a rainy week to go. Not a hurricane or tornado…nothing dramatic…just a gentle late summer rain…every day and night. It makes you want to sing that song from when you were a kid…”Itâ€™s raining, itâ€™s pouring, the old man is snoring.” Rain pulls you inside yourself.
If you get a chance, go listen to this weekâ€™s PodCast. I hung a microphone under the ledge on my back deck while I did the recording so you could hear the rain. If you listen to that rain, then close your eyes and “see” some rain, youâ€™ll rev your memory motor. Because the rain youâ€™re hearing is “my backyard rain.” But the rain youâ€™re “seeing” is rain you remember…itâ€™s uniquely your rain. Thatâ€™s the kind of thing I loved to do on the radio…give you something of mine, that got something of yours revved up.
I loved being on the radio. I did some tv too, but I really loved radio. I loved the laughs, the huddle, and the cuddle. We had lots of laughs, and when things got tough and scary…like when a hurricane was whipping around, or a president got shot…I called a huddle…just like a football huddle. I gathered my listeners around and we protected each other, and we laid plans to win “the game” and beat “the bad guys.” And I especially liked the occasional cuddle…sometimes I felt like I was in a crying ladyâ€™s bedroom, and I got to hold her and console her…and sometimes it was a guy who really needed a friendly arm around the shoulder and maybe a slightly off color joke. Radio was a connection…the laughs, the huddle and the cuddle. I loved it.
And I love a gentle late summer rain. You canâ€™t keep that kind of rain out of your head…even if you wear a hat…or you stay indoors. It makes you quiet…unless…you mix a gentle summer rain with some laughs and somebody you love. Guess I donâ€™t have to tell you that Iâ€™m really looking forward to seeing my Lady Wonder Wench again.
1- Why did Johnny Depp and the Pirates of the Carribean have BOTH ears pierced?
2- Whatâ€™s the possible problem with how the condoms and the bubble gum are now displayed in most drug stores?
3- What did the Louie-Louie guy do when he noticed his beautiful girlfriendâ€™s eyes light up and her whole body tremble with delight and anticipation?
3 – right – your only competition is Mr. Ed…and heâ€™s gelded.
2- right – your baby didnâ€™t really leave you in the classic sense. Sheâ€™ll be back. In a week or so. And youâ€™ll probably survive. Barely.
1- right – Itâ€™s ok because you do know how to cook tv dinners, and youâ€™re an expert crunchy peanut butter and jelly chef.
0 – right – She cut your heart out with a spoon BEFORE she sneaked over to the cheating side of town, to throw it in the deep blue sea.
If youâ€™re in the least bit concerned about your Louie-Louie Lady, you wonâ€™t like to hear the results of a recent big survey which said: 1- 95% of women admit they have lied to their husbands/boyfriends/lovers. 2- 60% of women are sure their mates canâ€™t tell theyâ€™re lying. 3- 49% say they have lied about some interest in another guy. 4- 44% have lied to you because theyâ€™re jealous of your ex. 5- 36% say they fake it in the sack. 6-30% have lied about keeping their own ex on the string in case it doesnâ€™t work out with you.
Before you say, “AH HA…I KNEW IT”…listen, Crunchy Peanut Butter Breath, Iâ€™m willing to bet the numbers for guys would be even worse. Remember the words of Big Louie…his own bad self…”Give a man a fish, and heâ€™ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and heâ€™ll sit in a boat all day drinking beer…and lying to his boss about being sick.”
And I wonâ€™t lie. While my Lady Wonder Wench is away, I have looked at other women. LOOKED, not peeked…and not touched. Big Louie, his own bad self, charges all Louie-Louie Generation guys with the duty of aiding suffering womanhood. Too many guys pretend to ignore a woman. Big L. says thatâ€™s insulting and wasteful. When a woman passes a Louie- Louie Generation guy, Big says we should look and enjoy the sight…even if the woman is only a 22 year old super-model who can only hope she will eventually ripen into a Louie-Louie Lady. Donâ€™t leer. But take a long, appreciative look. If you just peek, sheâ€™ll ignore you. But look long and assertively…and she will smile and think, “what a nice man.” I think itâ€™s best to nod your head approvingly, and VERY quietly say something like “oh-wow.” Her self esteem will soar…she will glow and expand…and so will you. Incredibly, only 13% of American young women think theyâ€™re beautiful…which proves to me that young American men are idiots. Louie-Louie Generation guys …to the rescue.
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