I’m sitting here in my big, black, comfortable, leather, Pappa chair in my living room, trying to figure out why I bought my Lady Wonder Wench a new car today. It wasn’t in my plans.  But…you should have seen the look on her face when I gave her the keys.


Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation has the only possible explanation for this. He says, “A man’s plans are written in the sands.”  That’s a kind way of saying that about half the things you expect to do…you won’t do. And half the things you don’t expect to do, you might do. Or maybe not. Either way, don’t be surprised if you get a surprise. Especially if your plans involve some other guy’s plans, and all of a sudden for some reason, he’s suddenly standing there scratching his head and ducking something that’s about to smack him between the ears.


A new car was definitely not in my plans or our budget. I’m hoping to retire at the end of this year. Actually…I’m scared out of my mind about retiring…I’ve been working since I was 12…not especially hard…but working…and…I guess that’s a subject for another time.


But obviously, in order to figure out how much money you’re going to need when you retire, you need to take a look at how many years you’ll probably be around. I figure about fifteen should do it for me. And to be blunt about it, my Lady Wonder Wench’s new car cost about one of those year’s retirement money. That’s WHY it REALLY wasn’t in the plans. “A man’s plans are written in the sands.”


Actually, my life has turned out to be even better than I could possibly have planned it. For the most part, it’s been like buying a box of chocolates, and finding a second layer of candy under the one on top. Maybe it’s because I usually tend to see the carrot at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe it’s just plain dumb luck. And come to think of it, what the heck is dumb about luck ?


I figure the trick is, you’ve got to trust yourself…and of course the good advice of Big Louie, his own bad self. And Louie agrees with me. He’s always warning us not to pay too much attention to the so called experts…even the ones who really should know. He says, “If you ask a turkey what he should be stuffed with, he’ll tell you grasshoppers, seeds, and worms.” If we paid attention to that kind of expert advice, Thanksgiving would lose lots of its appeal. And of course, all the people who REALLY know how to run the government are doing talk shows, driving cabs and cutting hair.


There are party planners, and meeting planners, and your monthly planner, and there’s even evacuation plans. Some evacuation plans are a little hairy. I lived on Long Island for a long time. There’s a nuclear plant on the north shore. The government’s evacuation plan, believe it or not, was that if there was a meltdown, everybody on long Island would get on the long island expressway, and drive into Manhattan. That’s not a plan. That’s a bad joke.


Some people are involved with Planned Parenthood…which is mostly about not becoming a parent. I think it’s amazing when people say, “we’re working at having a baby.” That’s the kind of work for which…since I have six kids… I feel I am well qualified.


And besides the Viagral elements involved, I also know about a baby’s five basic needs. Food, shelter, love, sunlight, and peek a boo. It’s fascinating to me…the perspective of a little kid. You put your hands up over your eyes, and the world disappears. You put your hands down, and everything (pop) re-appears. You’re in charge…of the universe.


There are places a woman can go to check and see if she’s pregnant. If she is, and she wants an abortion, she goes into another room, where there is a qualified doctor, and the job gets done. I’ve always thought that there must be some women who are disappointed when they find out they’re not pregnant. And there should be another room, just down the hall with soft lights, nice music and a waterbed…where some equally well qualified worker…like myself for example…can get THAT job done. Please don’t mention I said this to certain people named Lady Wonder Wench, because I don’t want her to take aim at me with her new car.


Like many women, sometimes I think my Lady Wonder Wench sees a car as a weapon of revenge. And after all, she did get the short end of the stick. When we got married, I got her, but she only got me. She is really something. When she wears her hair up, and shows off her sexy neck, it’s the equivalent of other women wearing an indecently short mini skirt. But as I was saying to her today, “you’ve got to calm down a little…when you notice that more and more people are yelling at you, and a significant number of them are lying on the hood of your new car. The one that wasn’t in the plans. The one that’s the result of the fact that a man’s plans are written in the sands.”


Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

We discussed the true meaning of several common English words. Please give me the simple, common English word that describes each of the following:


1- Where some women wear their hemlines.

2- What you do to relax your girlfriend.

3- What a guy in a boat does.

4- What a woman has to do to get the tv changer away from her husband.

5- What you call a sailor in an undersea craft. 


Dick’s Details take your mind off your mind.


Sometimes you’ve got to change your plans. In fact, change is always inevitable. Except from a candy machine. But changes almost always cause us problems. Even when the change is that all of a sudden, things are just…staying the same. There’s a story about that in the personal audio cd called Love Comes When You Least Expect It. The story is called Beauty and the Beast.


If you like it, you can just keep the podcast. Or if you  want a fresh copy, just go back to the home page, and download it from the icon.


I think most of the time we have two reasons for the things we do. A good reason, and the real reason. A good reason for buying this expensive new car is so my Lady Wonder Wench will have dependable transportation. The real reason for buying this hideously expensive new car for her is that I’m hoping to retire pretty soon. I haven’t come to the point where most of the stuff in my shopping cart says “For fast relief”, and my memory isn’t bad enough for me to hide my own Easter eggs. But this formerly hunky bod is beginning to make the same kind of noises as my coffee maker.


I figure I’ve got about fifteen years left, and I plan on spending them all with My Lady. That’s the plan.  But I know my buddy Big Louie is right. ”A man’s plans are written in the sands.”


And you should have seen her face when I handed her the keys.

3 Responses to “”

  1. andrea d. wiener says:

    what’s that old saying “Life happens when you try to make plans”?? Besides which, there’s an old saying, for those who are into such things (I am…) – if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans…

  2. aliasJean Fox says:

    Baby’s needs – item #6 — clean seat covers … OH so important! Makes playing peek-a-boo more fun!

  3. Betsy Kemp says:


    I understand the problem of money vs time we have left but ironically after listening to your podcast I heard a song by Loudon Wainwright called “Doin The Math.” Here’s his take on it —

    Doin the math is kind of a bummA, you best avoid crunchin that numBA
    Doin the math don’t bring satisfaction, no more addition now, it’s all subtraction
    Doin the math is bringin ya down, gravity and time will put you back in the ground
    Doin the math ain’t much of a thrill, us boomers have been busted man we’re over the hill
    Doin the math is just a fool’s errand, you don’t wanna know and there’s no use in carin
    Doin the math is leaving me cold. Life is too short when you get this old

    A monkey, a dog, a horse, a giraffe, they’re all gonna die but they don’t do the math
    Doin the math is kind of a bummA, you best avoid crunchin that numBA

    So forget that 15-20 year bit Dick. Heck, I just read a story last week about a guy who, when he was 101, fell off his bike and so moved to a retirement home. He’s 107 now and still going strong both physically and mentally. Course, the point of the article was that he’s outlived his money……. twice.