I’m sitting here in my big, comfortable, black leather poppa chair in my living room…thinking maybe it’s time to pray. “Dear Lord, I’ve got to get this podcast and blog done, so lead me not into temptation…I have always been able to find temptation just fine all by myself.” Tonight, “Temptation” is sitting over there on the couch…smiling one of her…very slow… Lady Wonder Wenchy smiles…and looking so beautiful in her blue “Snuggie”… that’s one of those blankets with sleeves…and those furry bedroom slippers…and she just looked over here…and the whole room turned blue. Life is never boring with my Lady Wonder Wench around.
When she looked over here, I’m pretty sure that she was just having fun with me. I’m also pretty sure she noticed the…viagral reaction I was having as I was watching her. Let me put it carefully…it’s the kind of reaction that…if I were lying over there on the other couch, I wouldn’t have to worry about turning over and rolling off. But she’s having no mercy tonight. She just said, “Go play with your new toy.”
And I do have a new toy. A brand new microphone. It’s called a large diaphram, condenser mic, with a cardioid pattern. I know I didn’t really need it. The mic I’ve had for years was working just fine. But I saw this thing in a catalogue…on a special sale… gleaming … purring “please put your lips on me…I am a tool you so desperately need to do your job properly. Besides which, I will make you sound…soulful” I recognized what was going on there. It’s what Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation calls a “toy ploy.”
A “toy ploy” is when a toy successfully passes itself off as a tool…almost always to my fellow testosterone soaked wretches. The estrogen enriched don’t seem to have that problem. Women have very few toys. Some have boy toys, but we’ll get around to that in a minute.
Now there is a clear distinction between a tool and a toy. A tool is something you need. A toy is something you want, so you pretend it’s a tool to give you an excuse to get it. A toy is not something you’re going to just show off…like a 20 pound gold plated cufflink. That kind of thing is not a toy. I’d call it more of an ego expander.
A toy is a just for having fun. Having fun is good. And people who have fun, are usually fun to be around. They are never boring. My Christmas tie is a toy. It has a working keyboard that you can play in a restaurant for a pretty waitress . I did that the other night, and the waitress laughed so hard the tears ran down her leg. I think. Can’t say for sure.
I have a snow blower…it goes vroom vroom…and it throws snow fifty feet in the air, right over on to my neighbor Randy’s driveway. Randy’s a buddy, so when I do that, I always go over to his place, and blow my snow, and Randy’s snow over into Steve’s driveway next door because I like to marsh his mello. He is the neighborhood born again jerk. I have never seen Steve with a toy. He is not a fun person. He is boring.
Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.
1- What dd you call a sleep walking priest ?
2- Speaking of priests, this is true…after murdering his son, what did Ivan the Terrible do?
3- Why are my dirty friends always happy ?
4- Why should 93% of male hotel guests ask for a refund ?
Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.
Toys tickle my testosterone. And I know I’m not alone. Toys for boys is a phrase I have heard often from my Lady Wonder Wench, while she’s talking to her similarly estrogen enriched, Louie-Louie Generation lady friends. But I’m here to tell you that a boy’s toy isn’t the same as a boy toy. There’s a story about a boy toy in the Night Connections 2 Personal Audio CD. It’s called the Piano Man.
For a while the piano man really tried to love her. But sometime while they were in Germany, he said he woke up one morning, and…it just wasn’t any fun. He was getting bored. He missed his music. He missed his piano. He missed his life.
The Piano Man is from the Night Connections 2 personal audio cd. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy you can download it from the Night Connections 2 icon on the opening page.
I had a Lionel train when I was a kid…and a toy airplane you could sit in and pedal around…and a baseball glove and bat…and a portable radio…lots of great toys. Who could get bored? My Lady Wonder Wench didn’t have that many toys growing up. When her friend Vigi gave her a home made Raggedy Ann doll a couple of Christmases ago, I got to see how her eyes must have looked when she was a little girl. It’s sitting on the back of the couch, right over her left shoulder right now.
She knows I’m watching her. There goes that slow Wonder Wenchie smile…The slippers have slipped…and there’s lots of room in that blue snuggie…and I’ve about finished playing with my new toy…so I think I may give into temptation…and go over there and see to it that she doesn’t get bored for a little while.