It’s pretty obvious from the look on my Lady Wonder Wench’s face, that I’d better be careful with this list of 20 things a man should never say to a woman. She’s sitting on the couch across from me. She is tall, elegant, intelligent, poised, supple, soft eyed, and smiling. But I know from experience that a smile is often full of teeth. So I’ve got to be careful with this. But I also have to be a team player. I promised. So I’ve got to give you this list of things a guy should never say to a woman.
Team work is important to guys. Team work. We help each other. We often even put aside our differences to help each other win the most important challenge we all face…which is convincing Louie-Louie Ladies that we lust lovingly, care completely, and protect passionately. Especially that first part. We cooperate with each other when we can. Of course, sometimes we can’t. It’s trickey. There are limits to team work. Mostly those limits have to do with ladies. We’ve learned that from history.
We’ve learned for example about two famous pre-Louie-Louie Generation guys…one from Sparta and the other from Troy. They got into this huge fight over a pre-Louie-Louie Lady named Helen. Helen must have been hot. It’s said she had a face that launched a thousand ships…so you can imagine what the rest of her must have looked like. So these two guys and their buddies really went at it…whacking away at each-other. But it seems that nothing could stop the powerful Spartan navy. And pretty soon, what seemed like millions of little Spartan seamen burst through the Trojan defenses…and well…you’ve lived… you know the kind of trouble that can develop from that.
So I feel honor bound to cooperate with my fellow Louie-Louie Lads to the fullest extent possible. That means all the way up to, but not including, introducing you to my Lady Wonder Wench. And whatever the personal cost…I’m going to tell you the 20 things Big Louie, his own bad self…the chief mustard cutter of the Louie-Louie generation says a man shouldn’t say to a woman. So here we go. And Lady Wonder Wench have mercy. I have to do this for my fellow Louie-Louie Lads.
Number 20- Don’t worry about it. It’s no big deal. Right. But it’s hard not to say that, because they worry about all kinds of things. Are you using the right salad fork. Is that sound your socks scrunching. We’re going to be late…for the ballet. Ok. Ok. Number 19…I’m sorry, now let’s just forget it. Comon…unless you’ve shouted the wrong name in a moment of passion…how long should you have to beg, plead and wheedle for forgiveness. But they’re not going to buy it. Number 18…And to think I was really trying to pick up your friend. No matter how warm and fuzzy you’re feeling, lying there by the fireplace…or wherever…if you say anything like that, you are DOOMED. There is no hope.Number 17…If you’re not happy, there’s nothing I can do about it. That’s dumb too. Because if YOU can’t do anything about it, some other guy will. Number 16…Don’t be ridiculous, of course I love you. Never go there guys. Never. If she’s worried you may not love her, you’re making her feel weak instead of strong. And that makes you a jerk. Number 15…My God will you get to the point. My Lady Wonder Wench put that one away for me when we were first going out. She said, “I only talk too much when I’m happy.” What was I supposed to say…”Don’t be happy ?” Number 14…From now on I’ll handle everything. Nooooo. From now on, after saying that, you’ll handle nothing. Number 13…What do you mean I don’t listen. I can tell you everything you just said. It’s not a pop quiz guys. She doesn’t mean you didn’t hear her. She meant you didn’t listen to her. Big difference. Number 12…Your friend Mary is really built. That kind of comment is what causes women to alter guys anatomy with scissors. Number 11…Don’t talk about it, just do it. Guys…talking about it is part of how women get things done. In fact, sometimes if they talk about it enough, we do it for them. Number 10…Be glad I remembered to put the toilet seat up. That makes sense only till the first time you sit down by mistake while the seat is up. It’s not a great experience. Number 9…”Why can’t I ? Your cousin always let’s me do that.” You have now finished yourself with both your girl and her cousin. And any other female within a fifty mile radius of your zip code. Number 8…”You’re a typical woman.” There is no such thing as a typical woman. There are typical men. But no typical women. And if you don’t know that, you have no hope for reproduction. Number 7…”You’re just like your mother.” That’s just a low blow…for both women. And you only get one blow that low per relationship. Number 6…”How old are you.” The only exception to the don’t say how old are you rule is when you’re a little concerned that she may be under 18. Number 5…”I’ll call you.” Either don’t say it…just do it…or just don’t say it. Number 4…”I don’t want to talk about it.” Now that’s just dumb. And you are about to experience one of the most awful forces of mother nature…the silent treatment. Number 3…”I’m busy.” She is the most important part of your busy…or she should be. Number 2…”I know exactly how to get where we’re going.” Whoops. One wrong turn guys, and you get to star in your own personal head on collision with a diesel powered “I Told You So.” And here it is. The number one stupidest thing a man should never say to a woman. This is un-necessary. No Louie-Louie Generation Lad would ever say a thing like this…would they ? I guess maybe so. So here it is…Any positive statement that ends with the word but. As in “I love you…but.” That’s not to be confused with the similar sounding, but totally different statement…”I love your butt.” Under some circumstances that one’s ok.
Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.
1- What kind of women wear out the most sheer stockings ?
2- What kind of calves are slightly larger today than they were 35 years ago. And why should you care ?
3- What’s the real biggest difference between a good race horse and a great race horse ?
Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.
One of the most difficult lessons a Louie-Louie Lad must learn is when to compete, and when to cooperate. Louie-Louie Ladies know that better than we do. Sometimes we get involved in fights even though we know we can’t win. Because we’re guys. So we lose. Then we want to take revenge. But nobody takes revenge like a woman. There’s a story about that in the brand new Night Connections 3 personal audio cd. It’s called, Revenge.
The lady involved was so quiet when she sprang the trap. So hurt. Actually crushed. But at the same time so powerful…and in control. Women know how to do things like that better than we do. If you like “Revenge” you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just go back to the home page and download it from the Night Connections 3 icon.
You can almost hear the sound of clenched teeth when you just say the word revenge. And you can’t clench your teeth without smiling. Go ahead…try it. And my Lady Wonder Wench…tall, elegant, intelligent, poised, supple and soft eyed is still smiling at me from across the room on the couch. But she hasn’t said a word. A great silence has fallen. And she told me a long time ago that she talks too much when she’s happy. I think I may have hit the nail right on my thumb again with that list. Guys…it looks like I am about to take one for the team.