I’m sitting here in my big, comfortable, black leather, poppa chair in my living room, doing what Louie-Louie Generation guys have been doing since Adam met Eve, and Desiree. Most people don’t know about Desiree. But I figure she had to be there, because otherwise…well think about it. As Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation always reminds us…Adam and Eve had two sons. Cain and Able. Period. Unless we’re talking a pretty kinky Old Testament family life, there had to be another woman strutting around, showing off her fig leaves for the benefit of the two boys. Louie and I both like the name Desiree.
In the very beginning, Adam had things pretty good. Which was why he figured he was in Paradise. So Eve and Desiree had to do something to get even. That’s where we get the word Even by the way…from the scheme Eve cooked up to cut down old Adam’s… social advantage… She wanted to even the score. And since she came up with the idea, she gave it her name. Ever since then, women have been getting Eve-n.
The two ladies understood there was no way to avoid the competition for Adam’s Viagral contribution to the continuation of the human race, as well as his ability to squash spiders, and dispose of the trash. And so, they decided that although they would be in direct competition with each other for some things, it would make them feel better to help each other as much as possible with other things…like wiping the smile off Adam’s recently evolved face, by communicating with each other in their own secret code language that no testosterone soaked human would ever understand.
However…although that feminine code will never be completely broken, Louie-Louie Generation gentlemen, such as myself, have come to understand some non – specific, general translations. For example, when my Lady Wonder Wench says no, she means no. Yes can also mean no…but most often it means maybe. When she says, “It’s not you, it’s me”…it’s not her, it’s me. She once said, “I need some space”…she meant without me in it. But tonight, she hit me with the female firestorm.
She was absolutely quiet all during the evening news with Brian Williams. Very unusual. She didn’t even comment on the probable lack of a marriage certificate on the part of the parents of some of the political hacks who were avoiding answering Brian’s questions like a bunch of second graders who hadn’t done their homework. I couldn’t help but notice. And when Brian said, “I hope to see you tomorrow night. Good Night,” I asked her again. I said, “What’s wrong.” And she looked at me…and she said it. That one awful word no guy ever wants to hear when he asks his woman, “What’s wrong.” It’s the word that makes a guy want to pull his head down his neck, all the way deep into his chest…to hide. She just gave me that Lady Wonder Wenchy look…and said it…quietly…which made it even more awful. Yes…guys…you know what she said when I asked her, “What’s wrong.” She said…”NOTHING.”
When Lady Wonder Wench says, “I’m sorry,” she means “You’re going to be sorry.” That’s bad enough. When she says, “How much do you love me,” I know that means she did something that I’m not going to like. I remember when she said, “This kitchen floor is hard to clean,” I realized she meant she wanted a new house. I had a woman once say to me, “Can’t we just be friends?” And I knew she meant there was no way she was going to let any part of my body touch any part of her body again. All those things, I could understand, and deal with in my own Louie-Louie Gentlemanly way. But you guys know…when you ask a woman, “What’s wrong,” and she says…”Nothing”…something is really wrong.
Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.
1- Why did Big Louie take me aside, and leave me there?
2- What modern job can you do in your sleep?
3- What problem don’t I want with Lady Wonder Wench ?
Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.
I said, “What’s wrong,? and she said, “Nothing”. It wasn’t the first time a “Nothing” bomb got dropped into our lives. There’s a story about that in the Bedtime Stories personal audio cd called, “Nothing Happened.”
It was was about something that happened on a date with my Lady Wonder Wench a very long time ago. She was wearing a plaid skirt with pleats all around, a silky gray sweater with blue horizontal stripes, a pair of beaten up old sneakers. She took a quick breath, she tilted her head to one side, and her eyes turned up to stun. The whole room turned blue. The story is in the current podcast. If you like it you can just keep the podcast…or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the Bedtime stories icon on the opening page.
Eve and Desiree did a lot better than just even-ing the score with guys. Think about it. A woman almost never has mow the lawn or shovel the snow, or fix a car. They look good in shorts. My Lady Wonder Wench looks VERY good in shorts. If a guy is all sweaty, it’s kind of just stinky. If a woman is all sweaty…it’s sexy. Same is true if a guy isn’t wearing underwear, he’s just disgusting. If a woman isn’t wearing underwear, she’s wild and sexy. Lady Wonder Wench did that at an amusement park one evening. I didn’t know about it till we got home to her place. Maybe I’ll tell you about that sometime. But probably not.
So…something’s wrong. I’ll deal with it…like a Louie-Louie Generation gentleman. Because not even Nothing is ever going to get between my Lady Wonder Wench and me.
King Arthur said it in “Camelot”: “The way to handle a woman is to love her”.
I have “nothing’s wrong” days too. They pass but in the meantime, there’s really nothing wrong!
Hugs to LWW, when she’s ready to accept them from me through you.
You didn’t mention, although someone as wise as you probably knows, that when a woman says, “Do whatever you want,” that means no too. Or sometimes it means, “Over your dead body!”