This is about…SEX.

Wow. Is it easy to get your attention with a statement like that. Three of you immediately signed up for whatever we’re going to do, Howard Stern’s producer speed dialed, and the President of the politically correct forces for good in the community instantly posted a red alert requesting volunteers to stage a protest. Calm down folks. But we do have some great sex news from the smart guys in the white lab coats at Duke University. They explained things clinically, like they always do, but we’ll translate it into “human speak”. I don’t know why they get so complicated. I think if they wanted to explain that they were out to lunch, they’d put up a little sign saying, “We have temporarily vacated these coordinates to engage in caloric nutritional mastication and enzyme secretion.”

But, forget how they said it, what it means is that people who just throw kisses at each other are really missing something. The study says that if you have sex 200 times a year, you will reduce your psysiologic age by six years. They know that because it says here, “they tracked the sexual activity of 4,589 people over the course of five years.” I’m not sure how you conduct a clinical, scientific study like that. Probably one way would be to take the idea from one of Barbara Streisand’s biggest hits, “Peep-holes, People Who Need Peep-holes….” And how come this is an odd number of people. 4,589. Maybe it started out as an even number but one of the scientists got so into it that he ditched his white lab coat and joined the party.

Another study that I think is really incomplete was published in England at the same time. This one says, they peeped in on…I’m sorry…they “tracked” 1,000 people and found only half the death rate among those who had two sexual encounters a week as compared to those who had sex once a month or less. The reason I think that study is incomplete is that I think if they do a follow up in around a hundred years, that death rate percentage is going to go way up. I’m not sure what kind of effect it would have on my sex life if I knew I was being, “tracked.”

This completely scientific information is the reason for a suggestion I made this morning to my Lady Wonder Wench. I said, “Let’s find eternal life!” She just rolled her eyes, took an asprin and got a headache. I don’t understand women. Of course Big Louie says that’s ok. That’s how it’s supposed to be. They make the rules, and they’re not telling guys what they are. I do try to figure it out. I try thinking like a woman. I try to look at things like a human being who is shorter and smarter than me. It doesn’t work. Especially that last part.

She doesn’t understand how my idea for a new cable tv channel would work at all. I have Direct tv, and they have a bunch of religious channels and a bunch of porno channels, and I noticed that they’re right next to each other on the cable tv guide. Inspiration hit me. I said I could make a fortune by combining them. I could start a channel called the “Oh God, yes, yes, yes, oh God please, yes, yes, yes,” Channel. The plan is I could sell commercials and claim a religious income tax exclusion on the profit. Why not. I would be promoting good health, long life, and praise for the lord. I’d tell the IRS that it’s just worship inspired by a different kind of prophet.

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1- How do a high percentage of American guys spend their lonely nights ?

2- How should couples deal with sleeping in separate beds ?

3- Why did dinosaurs walk on their toes ?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

They didn’t have sex education in schools when I was a kid. We did, however have record hops, which were to some extent somewhat up dated fertility dances. Especially when Louie Louie was playing. I remember those days fondly. And as a matter of fact I can still do the Mashed Potatoes, the Watusi, and even the Twist..although when I do them it makes my grandchildren very nervous. I went to a Catholic high school, so we didn’t do the Limbo…since Sister Mary Knucklebuster said the catechism defined limbo as a place where some people go when they die if they knock over the bar. The only way you’ll understand that point is by consulting the nearest Catholic.

But I digress. And when I do that I lose your attention. How do I get your attention back ? I know.


There. Now let me tell you about one of the weirdest sexual experiences I’ve never had.

It was while I was doing the midday show at WPIX Radio in New York. The studio phone rang…actually they don’t ring, they light up, and this one really did. It was a guy named Al Goldstein. Al was the publisher of a magazine called “Screw.” Perhaps Screw magazine can best be described  by what was NOT. It was not a trade journal for carpenters. Al also produced a local access cable tv show called “Midnight Blue.” It was on at midnight, and it was very blue. For some reason, Mr. Goldstein thought it might be an interesting idea to have a locally known disc jockey star in his next “Midnight Movie.”

I am not often at a loss for words on the phone. But come on…walk a moment in my hormones. Unfortunately, Wonder Wench wasn’t in the studio, and so I had nothing to look at to keep my attention where it belongs…which was anywhere that Al wasn’t. I said something that sounded like “Gezornenplatz,”. Al said “gesundheit.” Then he said something about a blonde, a brunette, a redhead and me. All at once … just as a song was ending. There were a couple of live spots and a jingle that had to get on the air. And I had to do them. They were business… fortunately. Familiar patterns for a mind that had suddenly gone goofy-ly gynecological. I won’t lie. I was slightly tempted. But as soon as I replaced my eyeballs in their respective sockets, returned my tongue to its accustomed place between my teeth, and regained some control of one of my lungs, I did the commercials, played the jingle, and thought of an answer for Al. I think I said something like “Thank you thank you thank you thank you, no, but thank you thank you thank you thank you so very much. I honestly didn’t think Wonder Wench would have understood. And besides, those ladies are always wearing dangerously high spike heels. Always. Lots of times they wear nothing else but those high spike heels. I think they wear them in the shower…and even at the beach. You could poke your eyes out with those things…under some excessively enthusiastic circumstances.

So much for Peter North envy. (He’s today’s top male porn performer.) His neighbors say on his way to work, he is usually smiling, and singing, “There’s no business like show business.”

There’s a story about sex and smiles in the Night Connections 3 Personal Audio CD. It’s called Neighbors. It’s also in the current podcast.

The woman in the story was on the way to a job interview the  morning this happened. She got the job. It’s a good job. Good money. About a month later, when she could afford it, she moved to a better neighborhood.

“Neighbors” is from the Night Connections 3 Personal Audio CD. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the Night Connections 3 icon on the home page.

I still think the “Oh God, yes, yes, yes, Oh God, yes channel” could work. Now, if you don’t pay for those porn channels, a little sign that says Channel not paid for comes up on the screen. Time was when the porn channels were just scrambled if you didn’t pay for them. The audio was still there, but the video was just a bunch of squiggly lines so you couldn’t see the pictures. They looked like my brain looks when my Lady Wonder Wench walks into the room wearing something she says is “a little more comfortable.” That gets me a little dizzy, but it keeps me happy.

Which is how you stay healthy and hot like my new book says. So don’t forget, get somebody’s attention 200 times a year. 200 times a year, not 200 times a day. That would probably be a world record, but an ER Doctor would probably have to track the last fifty or sixty times.

It would make me happy in a somewhat non-sexual way if you bought my new book, “Staying Happy, Healthy and Hot.” It’s at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and it should be in your favorite bookstore.



One Response to “SEX”

  1. Jeff says:

    Have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your family. A Thanksgiving tradition in my house is listening to Alice’s Restaurant on Sirius. It will be on Ch. 24 at 8:30 am and 3:30 pm. My grown kids continue to listen to and enjoy it. You started the tration for me by playing the song on WBZ in the 60’s.