Savage Golf Stories

I love telling stories. I even did a spoken word CD called, Bedtime Stories.  I read stories to my Lady Wonder Wench every night when we go to bed. Winston Churchill, Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton were so powerful because they were great story tellers. Sister Mary Knucklebuster kept the boys in order in the third grade partly by promising if we behaved, she’d read a story to us just before 3 o’clock. And if we didn’t…thwack. A good example of the use of the carrot and the stick. In her case it was a yard stick.  Everybody loves a good story. My friend Kevin is a savage golfer. A savage golfer is three times as crazy as your standard golfing nut.

So I tell Kevin Golf stories. For example, Tom, Dick and Harry were savage golfers. They played every Saturday morning through rain, snow, earthquakes and volcanic eruptions. One Saturday, Tom teed up and hit a shot straight down the fairway. Dick did the same. Harry teed up, and just as he was swinging at the ball, he had a heart attack and fell down dead. That night, they went to tell Harry’s wife the bad news. When she calmed down a little she asked, “If it happened this morning, why didn’t you tell me till now. So Dick explained how long it took to tee up, hit the ball, drag Harry, tee up, hit the ball and drag Harry for 18 holes.

I love the story Proud PodCast Participant Jim King sent me about a guy who was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and had sex for hours. They fell asleep, and woke up at 8PM. The guy told his girl friend to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt, while he was getting dressed. Then he put his shoes on and drove home. His wife said, “Where have you been?” He said, “I have to tell you the truth. I’m having an affair with my secretary, and we had sex all afternoon.” His wife screamed, “You lying son of a gun, I’ve seen your shoes…you’ve been out playing golf again.”

Then there’s the story about Father Norton…who woke up one Sunday morning and decided he just had to go play golf. So he called his assistant and said, “Please say my mass for me today, I’m not feeling well.” Then he headed to a golf course about 40 miles away so he wouldn’t accidently meet anyone from his parish. He was all alone …after all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church. But of course, St. Peter was watching, and he leaned over to the Lord and said, “You’re not going to let him get away with this are you?” The Lord said, “No, of course not.” Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight toward the pin, dropping just short of it…rolled up and fell into the hole. A 420 yard hole in one. St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and said, “Why did you let him do that ?” The Lord smiled and said, “Who can he tell ?”

I love golf stories. In fact I just love stories. That’s why on the front cover of my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot, there’s a quote from the New York Daily News that says, “Dick Summer is a story teller.”  If I don’t tell at least a couple of stories a day, my pimples come back and my wrinkles start to hurt. So let me tell you about a guy who stepped out of his shower naked and dripping wet…he said to his wife, “Hey, Honey, what do you think the neighbors would say if I mowed the lawn like this?” She looked at him and says, “They’d probably say I married you for your money.” A little while later the couple is lying in bed, and the man says, “Honey, I’m going to make you the happiest woman in the world.” And she just turns to him and says, “I’m really going to miss you.” That feels a little better. The pimples went away. Maybe just one more will make my wrinkles stop hurting: Our next door neighbor Bernadette asked my Lady Wonder Wench, “What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?” Madame W. Wench didn’t miss a beat. She said, “It means you didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.”

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1-  Why does Congress have the biggest collection of comic books?

2-  Who has had enough of biting sand flies?

3-  How long does the average driver spend kissing in a car?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

Maybe this next story will take a little time to tell…but I think it’s worth it. It’s not funny but it’s honest. And it has an important message especially for Louie Louie Generation folks who have been around for a little while. It came from Proud Podcast Participant “Joan P.”  Joan sent me an email saying, “Dear Dick, I started seeing a very important guy in my life during the summer of 1973. I gave him a copy of your book Lovin Touch after hearing some of the stories on your radio show. The stories meant a lot to me. We were both legally separated at the time. We spent several wonderful years together. But eventually he went back to his wife, and I re-married. My husband passed away in January of 2006, and his wife passed away the following March. When a mutual friend of ours mentioned that his wife had died, I hesitated, but eventually called to offer my condolences. That call opened a whole new chapter in our lives.

Two days after my call to him, he called me back. The calls between us became daily affairs, and they lasted many hours. We had roughly 25 years to catch up on. Last Monday he called to invite me to lunch during the week. Of course I said yes. Our first look at one another is one that I will hold forever in my heart. We didn’t see how the years had changed us…me now 65 and he at almost 62…it was a look of what we had both missed for all those years.

After tonight’s five hour conversation, he mentioned remembering my gift to him of your Lovin Touch book. He even said it had a red cover. (The Bantam Books version did.) I couldn’t believe he remembered. He said for almost three weeks he had been searching the house for it and couldn’t find it. I ordered your CD, but would also like to get a new copy of the book. It would mean so much to me if you could help me locate one. I would be able to write inside, “To our second beginning…forever.”  Can you please help me locate one ?”

I don’t have any more copies and had to tell her so. But I did send her a copy of the Bedtime Stories CD. Joan found copies of a couple of the books on Amazon and sent me this note: “Hi Dick, just received your copy of the Bedtime Stories CD. Thank you so much. Dave is going to be so surprised when I give him the books and the CDs.

Then a few weeks later this note came up in my E-mail: “Hi Dick, wanted to give you an update. Dave and I are still together, and still very much in love. We’re coming up on the first anniversary of our new beginning. What really challenged our true love is when Dave was diagnosed with lung cancer in January. I have been with him every day since then. He has now completed his chemo and radiation, and goes for a repeat CT Scan later this week. We hope to be together forever, but we’ll treasure whatever time we have left.”

What a story. Especially for those of us who are members of the Louie Louie Generation. We really have no idea how much time we’ll have left. It reminds me of what Big Louie always says, “If you have any moving parts left…move em….Now…in the time you have left.”

There’s a story in the current podcast called, “Got a minute.” It’s about making a tough choice. Is somebody or some thing so important to you that you’ll swap a minute for what might or might not be your forever? Sometimes…you’ve got to make a decision like that…in even less than a minute…you make up your mind in a flash that can make your forever explode.

Got A Minute is from my Bedtime Stories spoken word CD. If you like it, you can just keep this podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just check out the Bedtime Stories icon on the home page.

Proud Podcast Participant Domingo sent me a wonderful story that can teach all guys an important lesson. He said, “I am married to a beautiful Peruvian woman. Many things about her I do not understand. She said nothing to me for about a week. Why do women say nothing ? Why don’t they say ‘Let’s go to bed and have sex ?’ They don’t. They say nothing. Then when I came home today, my beautiful wife was screaming something in Peruvian which I do not understand, and she was throwing everything I own out the window. One of my golf clubs and a couple of plates hit a guy on the street. What can we do?”

Well, Big Louie says he probably can’t help Domingo at this point. But he thinks perhaps guys can all take an important lesson from this story. Louie says, “If you are living with a beautiful Peruvian woman who is in the habit of going for days without saying anything to you it would probably be a good idea to get a ground floor apartment, furnished with light weight, easy to hurl plastic plates and bean bag couches….

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