Dick Summer Connection

I like sitting by the window when my Lady and I go to Applebees for our regular Friday night dinner out. Here’s part of the story, for the rest please check today’s podcast. The window shade was down this Friday, so I pulled it back up so my Lady and I could watch the world outside spin around. We like to do that, because we like to watch the other people arriving for their Friday night dinners out. Are they holding hands? What’s he doing with a girl as pretty as she is? Oh please don’t bring that screaming kid in here. We had just started guessing what a young couple was watching on their smart phones as they were walking in, when a middle aged guy came storming over to our table, pulled the shade back down, looked at me and said, “You pulled that shade up so the sun is hitting me right in the eyes. I’m going to kick your ass.” Without thinking, I stood up fast, so I could return the favor. I have some martial arts training. I was pretty good at it. In fact after my first Karate lesson I found I could break a 2 inch board with my cast.

So we have the “N” word, the “F” word, and now the “D” word. Pretty soon we’ll be running out of letters for new words we can’t say.  Today’s podcast says…with good reason that Dick is not an offensive word.” No. Dick is my name. I am occasionally not offensive. Dick was also my dad’s name. Dick is my name, and the name of a couple of other reasonably un-offensive guys I know. I figured this would eventually happen because that’s where we’re going. This is becoming a “Win or Whine” society. Here’s a suggestion. If you feel you are in danger of being shocked & offended by something I might say, just pick up your smart phone and call whine one one and we will connect you with one of our agents in the Promised Land.

It’s T.G.I.F. which means it’s time for Dick’s Details from today’s podcast. Dick’s Details is a bunch of totally unimportant stuff for you to stuff in one ear, so you can squeeze the shocking stuff in your life that’s keeping your blood pressure registering in four digits out the other ear, and you can grab a grin and win. A farmer in France last week tried to scare away a group of nudists who were throwing nightly parties in his fields by leaving his bulls out at night. But the bulls refused to attack. More than likely it was because they figured nudists were harmless animals who were not after the ladies who were safely tucked away in the barn so why bother. Big Louie, the head guy in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot…Big Louie says that means the next time you’re confronted with a lot of bull just take your clothes off, and you’ll probably be all right. That does not apply to you Lady Wonder Wench. If the answer is, “Because they can’t talk dirty” what is the question? Don’t know do you. I’ll tell you in a minute. It says here that the longest earthworm ever found was 22 feet from head to tail. Whew. You could go fishing for whales with a worm like that.  And that brings up the question of how can you tell the difference between the head and the tail of an earthworm? Is one end better groomed than the other? The latest U.S. census shows that there are 43,429,000 single men in America and 53,133,000 single women. So there are 9,704,000 more single women than single men. Some guys I know have tried explaining to their girlfriends that it’s kind of a patriotic public service for single guys to have more than one girlfriend so the excess 9,704,000 women will have someone to keep them company on Saturday nights. That’s logical but it doesn’t work guys. If the answer is “Because they can’t talk dirty” the question is “What is the main reason dogs pant?” Because they can’t talk dirty. Down boy! Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

A little housekeeping here: If you like these podcasts, or my spoken word story CDs at www.dicksummer.com, or my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot available at Amazon.com please tell a couple of friends, because they might like them too, and you’d be doing me a big favor. Thanks.

People don’t pay enough attention to the words they’re saying. Even famous poets.  I have a friend who sent me an Email yesterday with a quote from famous poet Ralph Waldo Emerson. It says, “A man is what he thinks about all day.” Wrong! If I were what I think about all day I would be a very scantily clad woman…who has a habit of showing up at my place every time it rains…with a wet face from the rain, a warm smile from the heart, and a little time and a big inclination to spend some time with me. There’s a story about that in today’s podcast. Give a listen please.

“African-American” is the currently acceptable name for Americans who are black. (Brown?) Today’s podcast warns you that if you came to my house for a cookout this weekend, you’d meet a lot of ants, and at least four people who are black Americans who have less of an ancestry in Africa than I do, and my family is mostly of German descent. Three of my black friends have Hispanic roots, and another had a great-great grand pappy from some obscure island in the Pacific. And speaking of the un-speakable, how about the “F” word. The late, great, Johnny Carson had a guest who had a huge reputation as a lady’s man on one night. The guy’s name was Burt Reynolds. Burt was wearing a varsity sweater with the letter “F.” Johnny gave him that famous Carson…”Double take Look” and said, “I didn’t know they gave varsity letters for that.”

 I have found that when somebody is so outrageously shocked, there’s usually more genuine schlock than genuine shock involved. Today’s podcast explains what I mean. For example, “The N Word” is code for the word nigger. See…I said it, and the sky has not fallen. It is a word that is often used in a derogatory sense by someone who is genuinely stupid and has no idea that the word is just as stupid as he is. But not always. It’s complicated. I have a couple of black friends, Mark and Charlene, who sometimes also use the word to describe somebody who’s doing something that could be described as  excremental…regardless of that person’s physical color. Mark and Charlene are very smart, polite, and highly educated people. They are not shocked by the word. They are using it in a sophisticated sense. And they don’t mind me using that way either. The word itself is stupid because it’s an obvious misspelling of the name of a country in Africa. On that subject, “African-American” is the currently acceptable name for an American person who is black. And that’s stupid too. Africa is a continent. America is a country.

We are becoming a “Win or Whine” society. Today’s podcast explains what I mean. First there was the famous “N” word. And doesn’t that sound weird to you when some well dressed, well paid fantastically famous newscaster is reporting on a serious story with a straight face, and he’s talking about “Senator so and so” who shocked his audience by using “The N Word.” “Shocked I tell you.” By the way, It’s a very funny quote said by a corrupt cop in the old, black and white Bogart movie called “Casablanca.” The cop in question is closing a nightclub because he has just supposedly found out that there’s illegal gambling going on. As he’s saying “I am shocked, shocked I tell you that there is gambling going on here”, one of the employees comes up to him with his evening’s winnings. But of course he’s “Shocked, shocked I tell you” that there’s illegal gambling going on. Win or Whine.

Sacred excrement. I knew this was going to happen eventually. But it knocked me right out of my big, manly, comfortable black leather poppa chair in my living room just now anyway. This just in for today’s podcast…seriously: “A Vancouver Buildings Council has blocked the lease of a restaurant property to the fish-and-chips chain “Moby Dick” on the grounds that “Dick” is an offensive word. The restaurant chain says the name has “Literary significance” and does not refer to male genitalia.” Dick is not an offensive word.” No. Dick is my name. I am occasionally not offensive. Dick was also my dad’s name, it is my name, and the name of a couple of other reasonably un-offensive guys I know. 

This week’s news shows how easy it is to let things get out of whack.  Today’s podcast explains how you can put your things back in whack.

T.G.I.F so it’s time for Dick’s Details from today’s www.dicksummer.com/podcast. Dick’s Details is a bunch of totally unimportant stuff for you to stuff in one ear so you can squeeze the important stuff that’s clicking around in your head and giving you agita out the other ear, and you can grab a grin and win. True story in the news today, Las Vegas police say they have surveillance video of three men stealing 30,000 condoms. That’s 10,000 condoms per guy. Those guys must be planning on having some kind of exhausting Las Vegas weekend. If the answer is “You’ll never be around to check, so they make it up” what is the question. Don’t know do you. I’ll tell you in a minute. Houdini trained his dog to escape from a tiny pair of handcuffs. Kinky, kinky, kinky, Houdini. Historians tell us that table cloths were originally used as napkins. People used them to wipe their hands and faces. My Lady Wonder Wench kicks me under the table at the diner when I do that. And the smart guys at the aquariums tell us that jelly fish eat other jelly fish. That’s one definition of having friends for dinner. Ok, if the answer is “You’ll never be around to check, so they make it up,” the question is, “How can a computer come up with an answer it would take you a thousand years to figure out?” You’ll never be around to check, so they make it up. As Big Louie, the head guy of the Louie Louie Generation always says, “If your computer keeps beating you at chess, change the game to kickboxing. Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind. A little housekeeping here, if you like these podcasts, or my spoken word story CDs at dicksummer.com, or my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot , please tell a couple of friends because they might like them too, and you’ll be doing me a favor. Thanks very much.