One Perilous Pound

I may have been sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable, black leather poppa chair in my living room a little too long. That lying, miserable bathroom scale just said I am one perilous pound short of Dick’s Disaster. Dick’s Disaster occurs at 190 pounds. I was 175 pounds at the end of my college career, which consisted among other things, of weight lifting, swimming, and vigorous Viagral adventures. Don’t laugh. I hear some snickers coming from the more fully evolved but prostate challenged among you. Especially those with nicely decorated fourth fingers on your left hands. Don’t laugh. Viagral adventures are great for a guy’s health. In fact a new study done at Duke University, claims that having 200 Viagral adventures a year will add an average of six years to a guys life. I sometimes wonder how you get to sign up for studies like that. I suspect that there are certain weight limits involved. Which brings me back to the impending Dick’s Disaster from which I am temporarily spared by one little, skinny perilous pound.

 I don’t want to be skinny, just Clint Eastwood – Harrison Ford lean. I think very skinny people always look nervous. Probably because they know they’re hurting the economy. They generate less body heat, and therefore they require more fossil fuel energy to heat their homes. Lack of body heat makes it necessary to wear warmer clothing such as wool and fur, thereby causing the death of many innocent sheep and mink. I think skinny people must use more light to read by, because their eyes must be smaller. Cars driven by skinny people are lighter, and therefore have less traction on ice and snow, thereby causing traffic hazards.

 And remember, Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation always says, “Never eat more than you can lift. But on the other hand remember that, starvation takes the fun out of dieting.” He explains that, “You are probably dieting too much if instead of actually walking your dog, you save energy by simply holding him out a window…or if you find yourself constantly licking your lips, or those of your co-workers…that’s another bad sign.”   

 Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1-    Why should everybody on earth hang on tight?

2-    What sex survey missed out on my participation ?

3-    Why should lady elephants never wear high heels ?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

 Like most healthy, active Louie-Louie Generation guys, I like going for my daily brisk sit. But now, the smart guys say sitting is the new smoking it’s so bad for us. Hell, I’m a Louie-Louie Generation guy. I’m lucky I can still sit. Actually, I’m still in good enough shape to even open applesauce jars. Have you ever noticed how tight they are? No little old ladies living alone are eating a lot of apple sauce these days. I don’t think you would call me extremely in-active either. I mean I don’t avoid making toast too crisp because it’s too hard to cut that way. I still do my push ups…most days. And I never miss my index finger twiddling exercises. One needs strong button pushing fingers these days.

 And like most Louie-Louie Generation guys, I still have a lot of fun. Just last night, I took my Lady Wonder Wench to a new Italian restaurant that recently opened down the block…and I ate with a pair of chopsticks that I thoughtfully liberated from the Japanese restaurant where we like to go for sushi. My Lady Wonder Wench gave me one of those “He’ll never grow up, but I love him any way” looks. She knows I’m worried about having only one perilous pound between me and disaster, and she said, “Italian food has lots of calories.”  I asked her if she ever saw a real calorie. She said “of course not.” I told her they’re not what people think. I tried to make her understand that calories are really tiny creatures that lurk in your closet, and sew your clothes a little tighter every night. She laughed. I love her laugh. I’ve loved her laugh for a long time.

 Laughs have been a big part of our lives, ever since the beginning…a lot of years ago. That’s pretty much how our lives have gone. Lots of laughs, lots of loving, lots of lust, and our share of tears. Ever since the beginning…which was about forty years ago now. I wrote a story about our lives all those years ago. It’s in the lovin touch Personal Audio CD and also in the current podcast. It’s called, Growing Up.

 My Lady Wonder Wench made it ok for me to be what and who I really am. I was getting pretty Grown up when I met her. But it was Grown as in G R O A N. I was trying to be somebody I thought I should be. And that never works. You can’t be somebody else… somebody else beat you to it. She was all loves, laughs, lust and tears…all those years ago. That’s how we made it through ‘till now. And we’re going to keep on going…as long as we can.

 Growing Up was written a lot of years ago. But it’s in the just a few years old lovin touch Personal Audio cd. If you like it you can just keep the current podcast, or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the lovin touch icon on the home page.

 I know some of the members of our huddle group are going through some rough romantic times right now. I don’t tell you about how it is with my Lady and me to make you feel worse. Just the opposite. There aren’t many somewhere around 40 year old love stories going around these days. So lots of people are beginning to think that doesn’t happen any more. It does. And it can happen to you. As Big Louie always says, “You can never tell when something wonderful is going to happen.”

So when somebody’s laugh gives you the kind of whiplash hers gave me, feed that laugh. On windy days, brush wayward strands of her hair out of her eyes and mouth. Kiss her from shoulder to shoulder when she turns her back to go to sleep. When she’s feeling scared, hold her…hold her…hold her…and tell her you love her. Read to her for a few minutes every night.

 And keep yourself in some kind of physical shape for her too. I promise I’ll do better at that. I’ll do my push ups every day. Not just almost every day. I’ve gotta push that perilous pound away.  

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