No More Dog House

I’m sitting here in my big, comfortable, black leather pappa chair in my living room, watching my Lady Wonder Wench sitting on the couch across the room. She is pretending that she doesn’t notice that I’m watching her, because I am in the dog house. Actually, it’s because I’m NOT in a dog house…because there is no dog in this house…and my Lady Wonder Wench has been hinting that we should fix what she calls, “that problem.” I don’t see that as a problem, and by hinting, I mean she has been saying things like, “Why don’t we get a dog ?”

 Now, I realize that what I am about to say will put me high up on any decent person’s list of surly, soulless, scoundrels. But I don’t want a dog in my life right now. I also realize that it is statements like that which cause a great many…mostly unnecessary, fatal fights between men and women. And I understand that one of the things she’s thinking now is, “If I throw a stick will he run after it…and just keep running ?”

 My buddy Al and his wife have a dog, which they treat like their child. My feeling is that I have had enough children. And besides, I fear that the mixing of human and dog DNA could well result in the creation of an animal, which, instead of barking, would look up at you and say, “Let my people go.”

 Dogs are smart. I think some of them can count. I remember how snotty my dog Whistle got one day when I put three dog biscuits in my pocket, and fed him only two of them. Whistle was the family mutt while I was growing up. I realize now that a dog is an almost equal partner with the rest of the family in raising a kid. I learned a lot from Whistle…obedience, loyalty, and the need to turn around 3 times before lying down.

 Please don’t misunderstand. I like dogs. I just don’t like dog poop, dog hair, and the dog-gone hassle of taking walks in the rain, looking for fire hydrants and trees. I have done those things. For years. I taught Whistle tricks…like “Sit Whistle”…and he would sit, and pant, and try to find that missing dog biscuit. I thought it was a trick, but maybe he did not. I’ve been sitting all my life, and Whistle never once looked at me like maybe he thought I was tricky. I think dogs figure people are just tall and surprisingly smart other dogs. But I do wonder if ordinary, Whistle type mutts think poodles might be members of some kind of weird religious cult.

 Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1- Why should elephants pitch only in the American League ?

2- Why might you hear a leopard purr…”here spot ?”

3- How do some Los Angeles ladies get around certain lingerie laws ?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

 Did you hear about the cowboy who got a dashund, because al his buddies kept singing, “get a long little doggie ?” How about the three legged dog who walked into a bar in the old west, and said “I’m here to find the man who shot my paw.” Probably not. There is a story in the brand new Night Connections 3 personal audio cd called, “The Bra Dragon.” And I would say the guy involved could reasonably be called a dirty dog.

 The lady in the story had nice hips. She was a nice girl…who learned a nasty lesson with this guy. If there is a moral to the story, I guess it would go like this: “If it’s just as hard to cheat, as it is not to cheat…it’s better not to cheat.” Sometimes that’s easier said than done. “The Bra Dragon” story is from the brand new Night Connections 3 personal audio CD. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the Night Connections 3 icon on the home page.

 Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation has his own favorite animal story. He says, “If you go hiking, camping, or fishing you should take special precautions and keep alert for bears. You should wear noise producing devices like little bells on your clothing to alert, but not startle the bears unexpectedly. You should also carry pepper spray in case you run into a bear… and of course look for signs of what kind of bears might be in the area. You should recognize the difference between black bear droppings and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.” Don’t  blame me for that one. It’s Big Louie’s story. And no, if you throw a stick I will not run and chase it and keep running.

 I will, however, keep you informed as to the progress in this impending dog-gone struggle that seems to be looming between myself and my Lady Wonder Wench. I am not really a terrible person for not wanting a dog in my life right now. I may be a terrible person, but not for that reason. I’ve just been a highly responsible guy all my life. And now four out of the five voices in my head are telling me it’s time I let the little kid inside me out to play. Just me, and my Lady Wonder Wench. Take her for a candle lit dinner, at the kind of restaurant where she gets to wear that black dress with the sheer sleeves in the candle light…jump in our little airplane and go flying in a clear night that’s full of a full  moon. I want to go necking with her at every opportunity… including long stop lights.

 I have nothing against dogs, or any other animal. I am one myself come to think of it. But we’ve had dogs…and kids…and you’ve got to treat dogs and kids responsibly. We have a little time left…Lady Wonder Wench and I, and I’d like to spend it with just her. And she’s looking at me like…let’s talk this over like a couple of responsible adults. No…I have been a responsible adult all my life. I have to be careful here, because I know there are things husbands and wives have to be careful about saying to each other in tricky situations. And I hope Lady Wonder Wench pays attention to what Big Louie, his own bad self, says about that. He says “There are two words, that more than any other words, make life awful for men in situations like this. The two words women should never say to their guys are, ‘Don’t’ and ‘Stop’. You women should never say those words “Don’t and Stop” to any guy with whom you are in a committed relationship…unless those words are used together with no space in between.”

 But experience has taught that there are three words that are even more wretched, that some heartless women have occasionally said to their men. And Ms. Wench knows…and has used those three most wretched words that men dread the most. And she said them to me the other night just as we were walking into the diner we always go to. I opened the door for her, and she smiled sweetly and, right in front of everybody she said those three words…”hold my purse.”

 I asked her, “Why are you doing this? Am I in the dog house?” She smiled even more sweetly, and said, “We don’t live in a dog house.” So, ok…I am a surly, soulless, scoundrel. But actually, I’m a Louie-Louie guy, so that makes me a semi-studly surly, soulless scoundrel for not wanting a dog in my life right now.

 I can’t help it. Right now, I want to be the only animal in Lady Wonder Wench’s life.

I know how to deal with this.

 Gold fish.

9 Responses to “No More Dog House”

  1. Sheri says:

    I agree with you… no dog! My daughter & her family (who I live with) have a dang little dog… and we can’t just up and go.. (granted it takes a while to just up & go with 3 kids in tow… the 4th one is still “cooking” so it’s easy to take along), but if we are going to be gone for any length of time, like over night… we got the dog to deal with. Being able to just decide to get up, get all dressed up for dinner, go out for a romantic flight (though I would prefer to keep my feet on the ground… walking here on the beach in the moonlight is pretty nice), and if the mood should strike… NOT going home that night, with no worries of what surprises the dog will leave… is a pretty great idea… and sleeping in on a cold snowy morning, all snuggled warm under the blankets not having to let the dog out, which could mess up a wonderful snuggling mood….

    I got an idea… I’ll lend you our dog for a bit and see if that doesn’t help change her mind… or one of the 3 grand kids.. all kind of inter-changeable when thinking of adding a member to your family. And I like guppies better than goldfish.. you can breed them… have little babies… and still not have to worry.. lol

  2. aliasJean Fox says:

    Remember — you can’t take a goldfish for a walk ….. and they don’t let you get a discount on your house insurance either.

    I’ve been a dog person nearly all my life, and I truly don’t know what I’d do without a dog in the house. You’ve heard of 3-dog night? Well — it doesn’t get that cold where I am, so I need only one dog to keep me warm. Oh — wait a minute — you have LWW …………..

    If the Lady wants a dog, let her be a foster parent for a while. This’ll kill or cure both of you, but give a fuzzy face full of love a chance.

  3. aliasJean Fox says:

    Oh – I was NOT intimating that the Lady is a …. dog. just a snuggle bunny.

  4. Betsy says:

    For the reason’s Sherri mentioned, and more, I’m with the “no dog” contingent. The foster dog idea sounds good, but what if LWW falls in love with the dog and wants to adopt it, and Dick hasn’t fallen for the dog and still doesn’t want one. Now you’ve really got a problem.

  5. aliasJean Fox says:

    Betsy – compromise or get a computerized dog that looks like the foster dog. Third alternative —– show it to the little girl next door and when she falls in love with it, it can live next door and LWW can visit any time!

    That’s what we did with a cat when I found out I was allergic ——-


  6. dick butler says:

    I agree you are free but will the cold shoulder keep you free.

  7. Betsy says:

    Good idea AliasJean — I bet the cute little girl next door would love a little puppy. (wonder if Dick ever got his toy back.) 🙂

  8. Sheri says:

    Great idea!! Get the little girl a puppy… then it’s like a grand child… spoil it and play with it.. then send it home when you get tired of it! All the fun… none of the (well not much of) hassle…..

  9. Betsy says:

    Speaking of dogs, here is a heart wrenching story about one named Target.