It’s leap year, but I am not leaping from my big, comfortable, black leather poppa chair, because I have found that I don’t bounce nearly as well as I used to. That’s such an athletic word…leap. It suggests a finely muscled athlete… perhaps in a leotard…soaring into the air. I don’t mind doing the soaring, but I don’t like being sore, so it’s the crashing back to the ground that sometimes bothers me.
Some guys go leaping out of an airplane hanging on to a parachute, which is essentially a pair of chubby lady’s pantyhose. Basketball players leap a lot. So do baseball outfielders. And ballet dancers. The extra day in leap year…February 29th is called leap day. It’s put there to keep the calendar balanced. If we didn’t do that we’d eventually be celebrating Christmas with Fourth of July barbecues.
Leap day sounds so…energetic. Very New York City. We like to do our own thing in New York. We even have our own language. The word dare, for example, means not here. Decay is the letter that comes after de j. The stuff that comes out of the sink is woada. When you talk about hhhea, you mean your girlfriend. And urine is the opposite of you’re out. My lady Wonder Wench says guys from New York have a particular kind of walk. She says it’s a swinging your arms kind of strut. I never noticed it till she mentioned it…and I saw reflection of myself in a shop window while I was crossing a street the other day. She’s right. There’s also a slight side to side roll involved.
I would think that in Dallas, they might celebrate Mosey Day. John Wayne used to mosey. “Guess I’ll just mosey right on over to the corral and leap on my horse.” Sexy ladies could call it “Slinky Day.” Babies could celebrate crawl day.
Traditionally, Leap day is an interesting day for women. It is a day they get to throw their curves around…smile sweetly, and propose to their boyfriends, instead of waiting for it to happen the other way around. A lot of Pimple People guys make the mistake of thinking that the curvier the woman is the less intelligent she is. But Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation knows better. He always says, “The curvier a woman is, the less intelligent the guy becomes.”
Actually, I think you could make a case for the idea that women have it pretty good every day. They can have sex whenever they want it. They don’t have to mow the lawn or shovel the sidewalk. The smell of sweat is sexy on them. They get lots of gifts because we screw up so often. They can dance. They even look good in shorts. What’s not to like. Hmmm. I’m going to hear about that one.
Dick’s Details Quiz. Answers are in the current podcast.
1- Why am I glad milk has lactose?
2- Why does the Library of Congress have the world’s biggest comic book collection ?
3- How can the parents of babies who don’t use pacifiers get more rest?
Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.
I’m not one of those motivation guys who think you should be grimly determined to be happy at all costs. I don’t believe in drowning your sorrows in reddy whip. And I’m well aware that manure occoureth. Sometimes in heaps. In large, stinky and very personal heaps. But it’s leap year. And Big Louie, his own bad self, has a leap year suggestion. He says “If you take a big enough leap, you might get over your heap.”
I’m taking Big Louie’s suggestion personally. I’ve been putting off work on a new Personal Audio Cd for too long. I’m not sure if it’s because I can be pretty lazy sometimes, or if it’s because it’s kind of scary writing stuff you really believe in. It’s a little like spying on yourself. You get scared, and the little guy who lives inside you…shuts up. Any way…I’m taking the leap. Here’s the first story from the new project. It’s about a guy who…instead of taking a leap…well…listen to the story it’s called, “I’ll Call You.” And it’s in the current podcast.
I was that guy…for a long time. Then my lady Wonder Wench came along. And before I knew it, I was in mid air…right in the middle of the biggest leap in my life. I didn’t really even think about it until mid leap. All of a sudden, hope started interfering with the very logical progression of what had become a smug and orderly life. It’s a long story. And I’ve decided to take the leap…and tell it…because telling it feels like the right thing to do, and it might help some other Louie-Louie generation guys and girls who are thinking about of taking a leap in life. It’ll take a while. All the Personal Audios took a while…because they took a lot of living. If you’re curious about them, take a trip to dick summer dot com, and take a look at the home page.
I wonder if women understand that guys sometimes don’t take the “Oh my God I’m in love leap,” because they’ve been through the hurt that comes with the crash that sometimes happens at the end. It hurts. That’s why sometimes we don’t talk a lot. We figure we’re not supposed to show you how much we hurt. There’s a flip side to that. It’s the hurt we do to our women when we back off. The guys in the white lab coats just released a big survey. It said, only 2% of the women in America feel beautiful. If you walk down any street in America, and look at our ladies, you’ll see that’s off by at least 70 or 80%. At least. And I think a lot of the reason it’s so far off…is that guys are afraid to take the leap…and tell you.
I know that sometimes you have to crawl before you can walk. And the journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step. And I know manure occoureth…in big heaps. But it’s leap year. And wouldn’t you like to know if you can actually leap over your heap…and right in the middle of your leap…what a kick to find out how high you can fly.