It’s Cold Outside

I am sitting here in my big, comfortable, manly, black leather poppa chair in my living room, looking out at the ice, and remembering some of my favorite it’s so cold jokes. You know them. It’s so cold you could freeze an egg on the sidewalk. It’s so cold the streakers are just describing themselves. It’ so cold I saw a politician with his hand in his own pocket. I know…it is appropriate that cold rhymes with old, because those jokes are. How about, it’s so cold that nobody wants to go out, but some of the guys at the singles bars who felt they’re just too good looking to stay home. Or how about it’s so cold that girls are going with guys who have the flu because they have high temperatures. It’s so cold you have to part your hair with an axe ? Actually, I went out to the mailbox this morning, and I forgot I had my coffee cup in my hand…it still had a little coffee in it…and when I got back inside, I found a little chunk of coffee left. Hens are laying eggs from a standing position ? Ok…I’ll stop. But I should tell you that I just saw on the internet, that a group of cold chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel in Maine, and were standing around in the lobby to warm up, and boasting about how they were going to become chess grand masters. After about an hour the manager came out of the office and asked them to go to their rooms, because he couldn’t stand seeing chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. It was awful. And those poor Eskimos sitting in a kayak who got so chilly that they lit a fire in the boat. And the fire burned a hole in the boat so it sank. Proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. Ok. Ok. You know what’s really cold? Feeling lonely when everybody else is smiling and laughing…not just alone…lonely. There’s a difference…a winter ocean shining like black steel in the full moonlight…your call cannot be completed as dialed…that’s cold…so is the guy standing next to you at a ball game who won’t sing the national anthem …macho is cold…you’re fired is cold…kool with a k is cold…chalk scratching on a blackboard…a half empty bed…distrust…perfection is cold…a dark city street in a bad neighborhood… goodbye is cold…and isn’t it funny that old is colder than getting older. I’m keeping that “getting there” part in my life. And I hope you will too.

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1- Why do some people look like small, worm like creatures that crawled out of cracks in the sea floor ?

2- Why does it seem like there a decreasing number of Egyptian mummies ?

3- What’s the stinkiest way to lose your magnetism ?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

I saw a bumper sticker on a car today that said, “Guns don’t kill people. Driving forty-five in the fast lane kills people.” I thought that was pretty cold. Laughs can be cold or hot. A warm laugh is one of the best ways to start a love affair, and a cold laugh may be one of the nastiest ways to end a love affair. You hear some of the coldest words on an answering machine. That’s where a lot of people tell you it’s time to forget.

It’s hard to forget … when you keep finding traces of perfume left in a dresser drawer, two ticket stubs hidden under a pillow on the couch, a dress left hanging in a half empty closet, a song that won’t stop playing in your head. It’s so hard…when you know you have to forget…forever.

The Answering Machine is from the Love Comes When You Least Expect It personal audio CD. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast. Or you can check out the CD by clicking on the icon on the home page.

True story. A long time ago, when I was just a little kid, my mom took me to the City on a cold winter morning. When you live in Brooklyn, going to Manhattan is called going to the city. It was very early in the morning. And it was a very cold morning. As we were approaching the subway station, I saw a homeless man sleeping on a park bench. I didn’t know what that was all about because I was too young, and too safe to know anything about being homeless till then. I asked my mom what’s he doing there. She didn’t answer right away, so I remember looking up at her…and she was crying. Mom was not a crier. She picked me up, and she very quietly said “he doesn’t have a bed to sleep on.” And she held me tighter than I ever remembered her holding me…for just a moment. I didn’t understand at the time, but I sure do now. Mom has been just a beautiful memory for a long time now. And that memory is one of the most bitter sweet memories I have of her. My Lady Wonder Wench grew up in a cold water flat in Boston. No central heat. Just a pot of hot water on the stove.  In Boston.

It’s cold tonight. But my book talks about how important it is to keep a gratitude attitude. So here’s my gratitude attitude on this very cold night. I’m sitting here on my big, comfortable, manly, black leather poppa chair in my warm living room…with a full winter night’s stack of wood to burn in the fireplace. I cut the wood from a tree that came down in my yard in a storm last summer. I told you about that in my book, Staying Happy, Healthy And Hot. It’s in the chapter called Manly Fun And Games…for those of you who have a copy…and I hope that includes you. The book is about some of the funny and wonderful things that have happened in my life. The most wonderful thing that ever happened to me in my life was the night my Lady Wonder Wench walked in like a queen arriving at her castle. Gratitude Attitude…on this cold winter night. She brought home some slivers of Summer from the supermarket today…blueberries and water melon slices. Gratitude attitude. She just smiled at me…that warm…Lady Wonder Wench smile. It keeps all the ice all the way outside. 


2 Responses to “It’s Cold Outside”

  1. Ellen Ferranti says:

    It is cold up here too in the Shawangunk Mtns/Catskills…glad you have the fire wood and good reading to keep you warm…as do I…I will check out those sections of the book you refer to….keep warm!

  2. Sheri says:

    Down here in Florida… we had our 2 weeks of winter last month….

    I bought your book for my little Nook… even though I had the copy you sent me. I wanted to be able to take you anywhere with me. lol….

    I’ve adopted the “gratitude attitude” way of life a few months back… and it’s not always easy…. but every morning I say “Thank you” before I get out of bed… and every night I say “Thank you” before I go to sleep. I’m in a pretty good place in my life now.. not where I thought I would be… this is much better…. having a positive attitude, and looking for beautiful things every day.. even on dark rainy days…. and since doing this.. my jewelry sales are picking up… and I found more positive things every day…. even on bad “body” days and such…. I’m very blessed to be where I am and with whom I with…. even if the new man in my life is only 21 months old…. he greets me every morning with smiles and hugs…. pushes me back on the couch if I get up to leave… and has to have me put him down for his nap…. life is good!!! (sorry so long.. started rambling… )