Hurtling Down The Hol-ey Highway

I am sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable, black leather poppa chair trying to calm down after an hour of hurtling down the hideous, hol-ey, highway outside my house. I mean that highway is hideously hol-ey. You can get seriously hurtled hurtling down that road these days. It’s hard to tell whether those are potholes in the highway, or sinkholes. Some of them look like the craters of newly formed volcanoes. I am a manly man. I eat rocks and I chew on metal. Well…salt is a rock, and I suck on zinc tablets when I’m getting a cold. As a matter of fact, I keep my stash of chocolate chip cookies on the shelf just over the zinc tablets, because I’ve heard that there are no calories in cookies that you eat over the zinc.

I’m sorry. My brain is still spinning around trying to find where it’s hooked up to my mouth from swerving around the potholes…that’s the only explanation for why I’d say something like that.

Hit one of these potholes, and you won’t just bust an axle and blow a tire. Hit one of these suckers, and your whole car gets busted, and the crash and your naughty words echo off the pothole’s walls as you free fall half way down to Australia…or China…I could never figure which one. Forget that Olympic sport…I think it’s called the Slalom…you know…you zoom down the mountain and zig zag between flags…it’s much more dangerous hurtling down these holy highways right now.

It’s enough to make us seriously consider some drastic measures. Like walking. They say walking is a good way to lose a few pounds. But I’d be careful about walking when we have so much wind. If you lose weight by walking, but the wind pushes you backward, you might gain those pounds right back. Probably not.

My brother John and my son David have lost a lot of weight by becoming vegetarians. David said to me, “I don’t want to eat anything that had eyes.” That does give it quite a perspective. But I wonder…there are some things we eat…who knows if they really had eyes. Hamburger for example. It’s supposed to be ground up beef. But did you actually see the beef as it went through the grinder ?Just because some hairy, heavy set guy holding a cleaver, and wearing a blood stained apron says it came from a cow…how do we know for sure? It could be something that had no eyes at all. Just a handful of hamburger helper. Or ground up soy beans. Or ground up ground for that matter.

I think the labels they put on stuff at the grocery store are interesting too. “This product contains no more than 0.23 percent of hydrolated noxium sulphate. Huh ? What is that stuff ? If the stuff on the label is stuff I recognize like salt, or water…ok. But if it’s stuff in some language I don’t understand, like the hydrolated noxium sulphate language… I figure that could be the kind of stuff that causes concern on the part of mamma lab rats, and they don’t let their kids eat it. I’ve even seen stuff written in letters that look like a forest of leafless trees silhouetted in the moonlight, on some distant planet which is about to go to war on Star Trek. I see stuff like that, and I very carefully put the package down, and flee in terror.

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1-How can single guys get nice women to marry them?

2- Why do Big Louie’s Lads get away with not doing laundry?

3- Where are there impossible interstate highways?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

Some things that happen to you on the road are even more dangerous than hitting a giant, car crunching, person eating pot hole. Like being hit with a phone call. The kind of phone call that hit the guy in the story called It’s Not Your Fault in the current podcast.

It’s Not Your Fault is from the Night Connections 3 Personal Audio CD. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just check out the Night Connections 3 icon on the home page.

You’ve got to be in good shape to survive hurtling down the hideous holy highway, because you never know when a giant claw is going to reach up out of that pothole, and grab you by whatever you’ve got hanging down. And when you get to the Louie Louie Generation stage of life, there’s usually something hanging down. So remember, white bread and sugar will kill you within ten minutes. Read the small print on the TV commercials for the medications you’re taking. Like the ones where the smiling grandfather is fishing with his kid while the voiceover is saying things like “Some side effects have been noted like dry mouth, navel lint, and death.” And for God’s sake be sure you get your minimum adult daily requirement of all the veggies you hate.

I have often wondered, “Who is this minimum daily adult.” I have this image of a small person dressed in golf pants and hat, who before he worked for the government…he was a poet who was translating the King James version of the bible into Rap songs. He is now kept in a special FDA approved facility and fed things with names like riboflavin. Since r.i.b. spells rib, that should really be pronounced rib-o-flavin…which brings into question exactly who this Flavin is and why do we need to know about his rib. Riboflavin.

And thinking over this whole podcast and blog, I have come to the conclusion that it’s time for another serving of rocks and a quick emergency bite of a chocolate chip cookie, eaten over the zinc, because my brain has not thoroughly stopped spinning from zig sagging down the hideous, holy, highway, and things have clearly become un-clear. And as Big Louie always reminds me when I’m doing these podcasts, “Your listeners time is precious. Waste it wisely.” And I have just looked out the window…and it is snowing again. Good. Maybe it will fill up some of those potholes. 

One Response to “Hurtling Down The Hol-ey Highway”

  1. Betsy says:

    Like Paul McCartney said, “if slaughter houses had glass walls, we’d all be vegetarian.” But they don’t, and we’re not allowed anywhere near where our food comes from. Not many question that or seem to care. What a schizophrenic society we are when it comes to animals. Good for Dave and John, I’m with them. As for eating our veggies, I recently heard the story of a lady who has eaten absolutely nothing but French fries since she was 5 or so. Her doc says she’s perfectly healthy and she’s currently in law school, feels good, has energy and all that. It does make one wonder if we should be eating more white bread and sugar. 🙂