Help I’m Shrinking

I am sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable black leather poppa chair in my living room, and I am shrinking. I can’t feel it, but I now know for sure that I am shrinking ! Isn’t that what the Wicked Witch of the West said in The Wizard of Oz? I am shrinking. Because my age index is pretty high, but my maturity level hasn’t kept up with it, I often wonder if, “I’m shrinking” is what psychologists say when the phone rings while they’re working. “I can’t talk to you now, I’m shrinking.” Can you imagine listening to a shrink dealing with a manic depressive patient. “Cheer up. Calm down. Cheer up. Calm down.” That would wear anybody down. Maybe that’s why they call Psychiatrists shrinks. They’re all worn down.

I guess a patient who gives a shrink a hard time, might be called shrink resistant. I have some shirts that claim to be shrink resistant. And that always confuses me. If a shirt is shrink resistant, does that mean that it’s not shrink proof, but it really tries hard not to shrink. Obviously, it’s bad enough to have a shirt that can’t help shrinking…but now I have to contend with the fact that I am shrinking…and I can’t help it. And I don’t want to. The irony here is that I was a rather successful competitive swimmer…and I was an ocean lifeguard…I spent a lot of time in the water…and I never had any problems with shrinking before this. And speaking of irony, maybe we should consider the question of whether irony is the opposite of wrinkly. Because besides shrinking, I seem to be getting wrinkly too.

I had an appointment with Dr. Boyd today. Just regular check up. And before I saw Dr. Boyd, his new nurse had me take off my shoes, and stand on the scale. She wanted to check both my weight and my size. So I stood up as tall and straight as I could…just like my mom used to tell me to do. “Stand up straight, Dickie. Respect yourself.” she used to say. But it turned out that no matter how straight I stood, there are two inches less of me than there was back when I was a hunk. Wasn’t that just yesterday? It’s especially embarrassing for a guy, when a woman as pretty as that nurse measures you, and tells you you’re two inches shorter than you’ve been claiming to be for years.

I like Dr. Boyd, even though he keeps insisting I should have a colonoscopy. I always tell him I’m not sitting still for that. Then he always gives a chuckle that sounds a little like Clint Eastwood choking on a potato chip, and then he always gives me that lecture about polyps and other very disgusting things. But he’s a good guy, and when he gets finished making me sick telling me about the stuff they find when they poke around inside your bowels, we always tell each other a couple of jokes. He tells me doctor jokes, and I tell him pilot jokes. He said a patient came in the other day with a cucumber stuck in his right ear, a carrot stuck in his left hear, and a banana up his nose. I bit. I said, “What did you tell him?” He said I told him he wasn’t eating right. Then I told him one I heard from a flight instructor, who said, “Any landing you can walk away from is a good landing. If you can use the plane again, it’s a great landing.” We both had a good laugh. Then he said, “Go stand up against the wall.” And he made a pencil mark on the wall at the top of my head. He said, “Go get a colonoscopy, or next time you come in, I’ll show you how much you’ve shrunk since this time.” I hate shrinking.

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1- What is it that some guys will never wake up ?

2- What do cats and humans both do to their tails ?

3- What about Bonobo osculation ?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind of your mind.

I am shrinking. Why ? Why are we designed like this. Look at us. Why did God put something as drippy and disgusting as your nose over your mouth ? Why didn’t He put our ears under our arms. That would keep them warm in the winter, and you’d get some exercise, because every time somebody said something, you’d have to lift your elbow and say, “Huh?” Why does hair stop growing on guys heads and start growing in silly places like their ears? And while I’m complaining how God set things up on for us, how come everything on the planet has to eat the other stuff on the planet to survive. That leads to stuff like life is sacred…but only human life. Look at that cute little lamb. Pow. Lamb chops anyone ? Hey…we have to eat.

How come having sex isn’t illegal, but showing pictures of it is. No wonder we are called homo sapiens. That kind of thinking is not something you’d expect from homo smartiens. We talk to each other as if we’re all sapiens. Drive safely. Be careful. Have a nice day. Have safe sex. Stupid. Doesn’t mean anything. Back in Brooklyn when I was a teenager, safe sex meant seeing to it that your car had a padded dashboard, or her parents wouldn’t be home till midnight.  If we were homo smartiens, we’d admit that there is no such thing as safe sex. Nothing that powerful is safe. Part of its power comes from the fact that it’s not safe. It’s exciting. And dangerous. It’s like love. Fall in love, and you’re risking getting hurt big time…or worse yet…hurting the last person you want to hurt. Love’s not safe either. Nothing that powerful is safe.

So how come we love love? And other things that aren’t safe? How come some of us love riding roller coasters, or flying a small airplane, or falling in love with someone we aren’t supposed to love? There’s a story about that in the Bedtime Stories personal audio cd. It’s called, “You Shine.”I know it’s kind of hard to keep shining when things are kicking you in the head. Like when some pretty girl measures you and tells you you’re 2 inches shorter than you’ve been telling people…or you lose your job…or you lose your love…it’s hard to remember that you shine. And it’s dangerous to shine. It makes it easier for the bad guys to find you. And it makes the puffed up powers for good in the community a little un-easy. Shining is powerful stuff. Like sex. It’s not safe. Nothing that powerful is safe. That’s why way too many people I know, turn off their shine and spend their lives hiding in the shadows.

“You Shine” is from the Bedtime Stories personal audio Cd. If you like it you can just keep this podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the Bedtime Stories icon on the home page.

So, I’m shrinking. I guess most Louie-Louie Generation folks are shrinking. Some of us think that makes us somehow smaller, and less significant. But personally, I’m not going to take shrinking lying down. I’m doing something about it. I’m taking mom’s advice from all those years ago. I’m two inches shorter than I used to be. But I’m making up for it by standing up as straight as I can. And it’s amazing. Try it. Pull your shoulders back, and reach for the sky with the back of your head. It makes you feel like you’ve just plugged your shine into a million volt socket. It makes you respect yourself again. Thanks mom. You were right.


One Response to “Help I’m Shrinking”

  1. Betsy says:

    Your chair sure is accumulating a lot of adjectives!