Glasses Guy

I’ve been Lawn Tractor Man, Life Guard, Pilot, Late Night Radio DJ, Hunky Husband, Dad, and lots of names I won’t mention, but now…as of today…I have turned into Glasses Guy. I guess some days you’re the bird, and some day’s you’re the statue. I’m the statue today.


You’ve probably heard about the guy who was walking down the street, and he smacked right into a telephone pole…because the prescription on his glasses expired. Well today something like that happened to me. That’s how come, today I became…GLASSES GUY. Today was my glasses tipping point. The day I actually spent more time looking for them than I did wearing them. There’s no use faking it any more. As of today, I’m going to have wear glasses… all the time. The simple fact of the matter is that I can no longer see print any smaller than an NFL line backer. I can hear some of you saying…aw…the boobie… because you’ve had to wear glasses all your life. But this is new to me…and it’s going to take some getting used to.



For me, this is worse than the day I found my first gray hair. You can just pluck that little sucker out, and forget about it. Of course you’ve got to be careful you don’t want to go nuts with that…because you could cause yourself to go prematurely bald. But from now on, if the cops ever go looking for me, and they do one of those facial composites that you see on tv, it will include small, frameless, oblong glasses. I hate that. So I said to myself, “Self, that’s not me is it ? Let’s do a reality check here.” So we did. And the check bounced.”


Some people look good in glasses. My Lady Wonder Wench is one of those people. Of course she looks good without the glasses too. When I first met her she had pink plastic frames that had little tips at the edges, with tiny rhinestones that set off her pretty blue eyes. Steve Allen, the first Tonight Show host, had a pair of glasses with big black frames. When he wanted to emphasize a point he was making, he’d take his glasses off, and point them at you.


I have a pair of Ray Ban sun glasses that I like to wear when I’m flying my little airplane. I think they make me look like I could fly a 747 in an emergency. (That’s the small plane pilot’s fantasy. The pilots in the airliner’s cockpit both fall unconscious and the panic stricken flight attendant gets on the horn and asks if there is a pilot on board. And you get up, stride purposely to the cockpit…put on your Ray Bans…doesn’t matter if it’s midnight…and you bring the big plane down safely on a runway…and Catherine Zeta Jones who just happens to be aboard rushes up to you and gives you a big, sloppy kiss.) Hey, everybody is entitled to a fantasy.


So I started thinking, why couldn’t this work around the other way. Instead of starting to have trouble seeing, why couldn’t  I start becoming hard to see. Maybe I could even become invisible. Wouldn’t that be fun. You could lurk anywhere and watch pretty ladies getting dressed, or listen to what your friends are saying about you when they’re driving home from your party, or check out what the car sales manager is telling the salesman the lowest price he absolutely is really willing to go on a car you want to buy. 


And then I realized that the invisibility project has already started. And it wasn’t fun at all. My weight lifter son and I were walking down the beach a while ago, and a group of young lovelies in bikinis were walking along toward us. Now, I’m very happy to go home to my Lady Wonder Wench, but sometimes I can’t help myself. Ego problems arise. And this, this was definitely a pull in the belly and stick out the chest moment. So I did. And they didn’t even see me. I was invisible. Me…the former chief lifeguard at Coney Island. All they saw was young Mr. Muscles walking along next to me.


Then I started noticing that I wasn’t getting noticed in supermarkets either…or restaurants…or anyplace…with one exception. There is still one way I get noticed. I was on the radio for a long time, and I’ve done a lot of voice overs for television commercials, so lots of times when I say something, people give me one of those…”do I know you” kind of looks… because the voice is familiar. Then they go back to ignoring me of course. And I hate ignorance. But for that one moment…I still get noticed.


It used to be that when Charles Atlas showed off his muscles he flexed his biceps. Now a six pack of abs seems to  be the price of admission to hunk hood. I mean, how important are abs…really. I mean except for keeping your intestines from falling in your lap, what do you do with them ?


And I want you to know that I’m not questioning the importance of abs because I don’t have any. I have abs. Well…actually…I have an ab. One. I found it while I was in the shower the other night. I ran right out of the shower and into the living room to show My Lady Wonder Wench. And she said…”That’s wonderful …dear.” But she said it in that voice that means as soon as I leave the room, she’s going to call our daughter Kris, and giggle with her about it.


As I recall, Superman didn’t have noticeable abs. And he could fly without an airplane. He just stuck his arms out in front, and said, up, up, and Awaaayyy. I always wonder why he flew in that position. Was it because he had to, or was it just to impress Lois Lane. I mean how impressed would she have been if he had flown in a sitting position like an airline passenger reading a magazine, and eating a bag of really tiny pretzels.


And of course what did he do when he wanted to be Clark Kent… the exact opposite of Superman. A total WIMP. He disguised himself as Clark Kent, the mild mannered reporter…by putting on…his glasses. He became a Glasses Guy. Like me.


Dick’s Details Quiz: All answers are in the current podcast.


1- Why should you probably not drive around the world three times in your car ?

2- What’s with snakes and love poems ?

3- Why should you avoid the kind of snow that melts the fastest of all ?


Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind. 



My friends always try to put a positive spin on it. My buddy Al, is heavily into conspiracy theories and plots. He says, “Look at it this way, because you are obviously falling apart, in a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.” Thanks Al.  What are buddies for right ? 


But Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation calmed me down a little. He says “Listen, you have trouble with your eyes because they’re losing flexibility. They’re getting rigid.  Just don’t let that happen to your attitudes.” “You don’t have to really worry until you find yourself humming along to the elevator music.”


So…now I’m Glasses Guy. Well…into each life a little rain must fall. Actually…the rain has…on at least one occasion…made me very happy. There’s a story about that in the Lovin Touch personal audio cd, and in the current podcast. It’s called…the rain. It has to do with a gentle rain, on newly cut grass, on a midsummer evening…and the fragrance of long, soft brown hair. That was a very happy occasion. If you like the story, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the home page.


Glasses Guy. It comes with getting older I know… Everybody wants to get younger. But can you imagine the horror story that would happen if all the adults in America suddenly turned into teenagers again? Actually, as I get older, people have started to say, “Hey you look good Dick.” In fact the older I get, the more people are saying that. My handsomeness will probably peak the day before I die.


Glasses Guy. Me. The former one hand bra strap opener champ. The one time king of under the boardwalk. The late night radio voice who would be glad to play misty for the soft lady voice on the request line. I’m not aging gracefully…I know. In fact, I’m just stumbling along. But as long as I can keep those feet going, I’m not going to stop stumbling…because how else am I going to catch My Lady Wonder Wench. She can move pretty fast. I just hope I can still see where I’m going…with these damn glasses…

3 Responses to “Glasses Guy”

  1. Jim Merrill says:

    I refuse to become a “glasses guy”. Instead, I will remain a “glasses everywhere guy”…by the TV, by the kitchen Kleenex box, hanging from the rear view mirror, in the garage (by the garbage can), in the bathroom, by the bed…(you get the picture…). Hang in there. You are not “OLD guy”. Yet…… -Jim-

  2. dick butler says:

    You’ll survive I’ve been wearing reading glasses for years,at first I said no way then the next door neighbor suggested half glasses that ride on the end of your nose he said I’d look intelligent & worldly neither worked but I can read pod casts.Think like your old and you will be have fun

  3. Bob Conklin says:

    I have had to wear glasses on and off since the 4th garde, imagine being told that you had to have bi-focals in the 4th grade! Talk about being the odd kid out! In those days there was no such thing as “no line” bifocals so every one knew and I was the target for some really ugly ribbing. Oh well I survived and now wear no lines all day long. Besdies they DO make you look good!
    Cheers 😉