Do Not Delete

The little counter at the bottom of my computer screen says 1,529 emails have just poured into my lap top, as I’m sitting here on my big, comfortable, manly, black leather poppa chair in my living room. Four of them seem to be from people I know, although one that says it’s from our son Eric claims that if  I click on the attachment, I will win an all expense paid cruise to the Antarctic, with six famous porn stars to attend my every need. That’s not the kind of email Eric usually sends. A whole stack of these emails are from some very nice guy in Narobi who wants to send me the money a fourth cousin twice removed left me as his only blood relative. And although I don’t have a facebook page it has somehow attracted the attention of a bevy of Russian beauties who are desperate to have their way with me. And there are educational emails from all kinds of people. Big Louie, his own bad self always says, “Never read the educational emails or your life will disappear down a black hole.” And I know why he says that.

If you read the educational emails, you will no longer be able to open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel. You won’t be able to use the remote in a hotel room because you have no idea what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels. And you’ll never sit down on the bedspread because you can imagine what probably happend on it since the last time it was washed. And no more lemon slices in your water because lemon peels have all kinds of nasty germs and traces of feces. And how are you going to bring yourself to shake hands with someone who has been driving, because you now know that the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose.

Of course the good news is that your money troubles will be over once Bill Gates, Microsoft and AOL send you that half million dollars for participating in their special e-mail survey. Too bad though that you’ll never eat KFC again because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. Naturally you won’t drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper because the people who make them are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans, and the only reason you will accept packages from UPS or FedEx since they have been exposed as agents of Al Qaeda in disguise is because you know you’ll be will be completely safe since you recently sent a small donation to Pastor Peter, who will personally see to it that you are protected by legions of well armed, and Navy Seal trained angels…who…for a small extra donation…will perform a medley of Christmas Carols which can be downloaded a maximum of three times.

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1-    What’s that scent at the gym?

2-     What’s the matter with 14% of Americans?

3-   Who’s heavy breathing into your phone in the middle of the night?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

Hard to believe that the internet and email were invented by a bunch of geeks who wanted a fast and easy way to share their geek-iness. Hard to imagine how we’d get along without them now, even though lots of the people sending you emails seem to have the same motto, “If at first you don’t succeed, try again when nobody’s watching.” “Buy our green hearing aid. No batteries. It get’s it’s power from the propeller on your beanie.” “Our mustard plaster will stop your coughs, and imagine how popular you’ll be with your friends when you let them come over and roll their hot dogs around on your chest.” “Are you upset because you underwent a sex change operation and nobody noticed ? Join our on line dating service, and meet lots of folks just like yourself.” Lots of cheating going on. Just like in real life. There’s a story about that in the Night Connections Personal Audio CD, and in the current podcast.

It was the way that cheater looked… all the way into her eyes…all the way into her goodness…He saw the good girl in there, clamping a straight jacket on the crazy passion that had been screaming around inside her for a long time …and he deliberately un-fastened it, one teasing glance at a time. Then he disappeared in the quiet that had to follow…leaving her to catch just enough breath to have one last word.

The story is called Always. It’s from the Night Connections Personal Audio CD. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast, or if you want a fresh copy, you can download it from the Night Connections icon on the home page.

I shouldn’t have called it Always. That doesn’t always happen. I sometime disappoint myself when I make mistakes like that. And I do make mistakes that disappoint me a lot. For example, if I go to a baseball game on cap day, I get a cap. If I go on bobble head day, I get a bobble head. But when I go on ladies day, I am sometimes disappointed. Just like I am on the internet.

Oh yes…The address of this podcast is And I must tell you that if you don’t send that address to at least 20 people in the next thirty minutes, a large sparrow will spot you and do his duty on your head, and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back causing you to grow a hairy hump. I am confident this will happen, because I understand  it happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s former mother –in-  law’s second husband’s cousin’s hair dresser. And in closing, we’d like you to send for our new diet. It will get rid of your wrinkles. You just eat all the stuff we send you till the wrinkles fill out.

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