I’m sitting here in my big, black, comfortable leather pappa chair in my living room, putting Clint Eastwood’s Bridges of Madison County back in the box. Some guys call that a Chick Flick, and they wouldn’t be seen watching it by the other guys.
Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation has a thought about that for all us Louie- Louie Generation guys who’s hormones are still humming. He says, “Always go to the chick flicks. That’s where the chicks are.”
When you look at Eastwood’s smile, you begin to understand that here’s a guy who…obviously relishes romance…and therefore relishes women… which is probably a big reason why they seem to feel the same about him. Big Louie’s biggest goal is to spread some of this relish around.
Clint Eastwood understands guys too. He is one, so that makes it easier. I spent a lot of years on the air, so it was pretty obvious to me that Clint understood why guys want to become disc jockeys…mainly to get girls. That’s why he loved starring in and directing “Play Misty For Me” all those years ago.
If you’re too young to remember, Jessica Walter was the young lovely, purring on the phone… “Dave, please play Misty for me.” Every time the request line rings (it doesn’t actually ring, it lights up), every disc jockey I’ve ever known gets a quick vision of a scantily clad young lovely, slowly flexing her long, tapered legs and licking her lips, and playing with her soft, perfumed hair… just waiting to breathe her request into his ear. There is no other reason for becoming a disc jockey. Especially a late night disc jockey. And the amazing thing is that often the vision is reasonably accurate. Not always, but more often than you think.
There are around seven million women in New York City. The temptation level for a guy on the air at WNBC was somewhere between steam and stun. That’s one reason I was glad that my lady Wonder Wench often came to the studio with me believe it or not, because her presence helped hold the hormones in check. Hormones they tend to fly around pretty good in a radio studio at midnight in Manhattan.
But really… it was while I was doing the midday show at WPIX that the biggest telephone temptation of all came dangling out of the phone. And it was from a guy…named Al. Al Goldstein was the publisher of a magazine called “Screw.” It was not a trade journal for carpenters. Al also produced a local access cable tv show called “Midnight Blue.” It was on at midnight, and it was very blue. For some reason, Mr. Goldstein thought it might be an interesting idea to have a locally known disc jockey star in his next “Midnight Movie.”
I am not often at a loss for words on the phone. But come on…walk a moment in my hormones. Unfortunately, Wonder Wench wasn’t in the studio, and so I had nothing to look at to keep my attention where it belongs…which was anywhere that Al wasn’t. I said something that sounded like “Gezornenplatz,”. Al said “gesundheit.” Then he said something about a blonde, a brunette, a redhead and me. All at once … just as a song was ending. There were a couple of live spots and a jingle that had to get on the air. And I had to do them. Good. They were business…a familiar pattern in a mind suddenly gone goofy-ly gynecological.
I won’t lie. Temptation trickled down my back. But as soon as I replaced my eyeballs in their respective sockets, returned my tongue to its accustomed place between my teeth, and regained some control of one of my lungs, I did the commercials, played the jingle, and thought of an answer for Al. I think I said something like “Thank you thank you thank you thank you, no, but thank you thank you thank you thank you so very much. I honestly didn’t think Wonder Wench would have understood. So much for Peter North envy. (He’s today’s top male porn performer. His neighbors say on his way to work, he is usually heard singing, “There’s no business like show business.”)
Dick’s Details Quiz…all the answers are in the current podcast
1- What’s the creepiest part of being called “average?”
2- Why should you never French kiss a blue whale ?
3- What’s the REAL cause of global warming on Saaturday nights ?
Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.
One of the things that makes life so interesting is that so often you have to make decisions of the Al Goldstein kind very quickly. Some pretty girl crosses her legs and smiles at a guy. Some tall guy in a supermarket offers to reach a box high up on a top shelf for a woman, and holds her eyes for an extra moment. Big possibilities can come from very small flecks of time. There’s a story about that in the Bedtime Stories personal audio cd. It’s called…”Got A Minute?”
Seems like as soon as you turn your back, whole buckets full of your minutes just get together and clump into years. Hey come on…it’s just a minute. Sometimes that one minute turns into a lifetime. And sometimes…that can be good. “Got A Minute?” is from the Bedtime Stories personal audio cd. If you like it, you can just keep the podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the Bedtime Stories icon on the home page.
Speaking of a blonde, a brunette and a red head…all at once… Big Louie, his own bad self has often remarked at how Louie-Louie generation gentlemen always seem to be the bed partners of choice for super models, and other beautiful, accomplished people of the feminine persuasion. It’s because of our worldly charm, our romantic inclinations, and the fact that some of us have a little money. However, because Big Louie is the Chief Mustard Cutter for All Louie-Louie Generation people, including, and in fact especially… those of you of the female persuasion, he has issued a “Dirty Dog” alert specifically for Louie-Louie Generation women.
Reports have come in this week to Louie-Louie Generation Central about several guys who have been telling ladies they’re suffering from Ed’s Disease. Erectile dysfunction…which has resulted in an alarming number of cases in which the warm and wonderful Louie-Louie Generation ladies in question set out to try to cure the cad’s suffering.
It is Louie’s understanding that an increasing number of miracle cures have been effected just this past Saturday night.
Oh why is Dirty Harry just smiling, when justice needs to be done.