Can’t Get No Satisfaction

I’m sitting here in my big, comfortable, manly, black leather poppa chair in my living room, and I’m going to have to stay here for a little while. This has been a long, tough day. The only thing that’s holding me together right now is static electricity. I am looking forward to finding the energy to go take a shower. A shower is the third of Big Louie’s six super satisfactions.  Number one is sex, number two is steak, number 3 is a shower, number four is scratching an itch, number 5 is a flashing a smile and number six is grabbing a snooze. The six big s’s for satisfaction. Sex, steak, shower, scratch, smile, snooze.

 Everybody loves a shower. You get out of your crummy clothes, you stick one hand under the water to get the temperature just right, and you climb in the shower stall or tub. The warm water sinks into every pore. You grab a handful of shampoo, and scrunch it around on your scalp. The warm water and the bubbles do a slow, warm slide down your forehead, and over your eyelids, and down around your cheeks. Then it splashes down around your neck, and it sinks into your shoulders, and your back…all the way down around your backside and your privates…and the warmth sinks into the muscles of your legs…and all the way down around your ankles and toes. Ohh that feels good.

 The day my mom stopped giving me a bath, and let me take a shower all by myself, was like a transition from being a baby to kidhood. I was never afraid of falling down the drain with the water, but mom did everything enthusiastically, including toweling me off at the end of the bath. I remember thinking I hope she not trying to erase me. And mom didn’t really explain what to do in the shower. After all this time, I’m still not sure I’m doing it right. For example, I don’t think I’ve ever specifically washed my feet. They’re standing there in the suds, but I don’t really wash them. Maybe that’s why people bite their fingernails  but not their toe nails. Some of those toe nails look pretty nasty. And I think only women ever really wash their backs, because the only way to do that is by buying one of those big sponge things that no guy would allow into his bathroom. My Lady Wonder Wench has one of them and boy can that thing suck up water. It made me wonder how deep the ocean would be if there were no sponges lurking on the bottom. If pollution ever kills off the sponges, all our coastal cities better head for the mid-west. And one of the really difficult decisions in all of hygiene happens in the shower, at least for guys. I don’t know about women. But when a guy is standing there happily singing Louie Louie because it sounds so good bouncing off the walls, and all of a sudden he’s  got to pee, he’s faced with an executive decision. Does he do the hyginecally proper thing, just cross his legs and hobble across to the porcelain facility, or does he give in to the little voice in his left ear that says…just look up at the ceiling and pretend your mind has no connection to anything below your navel. And what do you do about your ear-ee canal. That’s ear-ee, not Erie. You know you’ve got to get the wax out of there, but you can never get the washcloth deep enough, and you always get a gallon or so of soapy water stuck in there which makes even Louie Louie sound kind of thumpy as you zoom into the last verse. Of course all of these things are concerns to guys only when showering solo. That’s not the only way to shower. Remember, it’s sex, steak, shower, scratch, smile, snooze.

 Dick’s Details Quiz. All answer are in the current podcast.

1-   Why would the guys at the Vatican be interested in a Long Island sport report from last week.

2-   What kind of criminals would steal a truckload of Viagra?

3-   Why do women blink twice as often as men?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.


Sex, steak, shower, scratch, smile and snooze. Big Louie’s super satisfactions. There’s a story in the Night Connections 2 Personal Audio about a woman who liked to enjoy several of them at the same time. It’s called, The Shower Lady.

 After three years, the Shower Lady got an email from Nicholas last week. He’s back in Russia. He wants her to come and visit. There is another man in her life right now. A good man who treats her with love and respect. But she can’t seem to help herself. She’s packing some scented candles, and French milled soap for the trip. Nicholas paid such …sensual attention.

 The Shower Lady is from the Night Connections 2 Personal Audio CD. If you like it you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the Night Connections 2 icon on the home page.

 Taking a shower, and being sent to the showers have two very different meanings. But my Lady Wonder Wench no longer seems to enjoy confusing the two. She will no longer take a shower with me even though I have explained to her the financial and ecological  advantages of saving hot water. She said something about wanting to actually get clean, and how water turns me into a mammal with two legs and 8 hands. I have told her how surprised I am that she would think that as a Louie Louie Lad, I can’t be trusted to behave in a mature and gentlemanly fashion. But it didn’t wash. I think it was the word mature that was a little out of line. She mentioned a recent flight in our little airplane when I forgot that she was sitting in the right seat watching me. I  fastened the seat belts, ran the start engine, avionics and takeoff check lists, started the engine and turned on the radios. All very grown up and professional. Then I taxied to the runway, and in a perfectly gentlemanly, professional and mature fashion I called for takeoff clearance from the tower. But then I blew it. When I powered up for the take off run, I forgot she was watching and that sound I sometimes make happened…it was automatic…I didn’t mean it to happen. It was the same sound guys make when we’re little kids. “Varrrruuum !” It slipped out. I wasn’t thinking about the mortgage, or the situation in the middle east, or even how pretty she looked. My head was all full of Varrrruummm!

 No matter what you might think, it’s not like I am merely a childish, immature, sex crazed jerk. I mean I may be that. But it’s not my fault that she turns me into a one man gland. In sports when you strike out you get sent to the showers. In real life, my Lady Wonder Wench kicked me out of her shower.

 The way I see it, I have two choices. I can try getting her to change her mind by sticking out my lower lip and walking around all droopy and nasty. Or I can forget about Louie’s six super satisfactions; sex, steak, shower, scratch, smile, and snooze, and try something different. There are a couple of ways of cleaning clothes. You can pop them in the washing machine, or you can take them to the dry cleaner. Instead of taking a shower, I wonder if I could just give myself kind of a dry cleaning. I could go over myself with an art gum eraser and a whisk broom. Ha, ha. Varrruuumm, bruuuuum.

One Response to “Can’t Get No Satisfaction”

  1. Carole says:

    Hmmm. It seems to me that if you promised to stick to washing one another first…..then you could play later. That always worked for us. Well….I will admit sometimes the washing part got interrupted. But we did finish eventually. 🙂
    I like your “six S” philosophy. I think it’s funny – because of the “5S” philosophy that we got from the Japanese. Check it out:
    The 5 S’ are: sorting, stabiliziing or straightening out, sweeping or shining, standardizing, and sustaining the practice. They added safety, security, and (TA DA-) satisfaction.
    I like your six S’ better!!!!