All Groan Up

I now own a very stylish pair of leather gloves, and they are totally confusing me. I don’t follow fashions in clothing, or anything else because I like to march to a different accordion player. If my Lady Wonder Wench didn’t buy me clothes, like these gloves, I would probably still be wearing the same slacks I wore in college, and more than likely, I’d be using a bungee cord to hold them up. When she isn’t watching, I sometimes use a table spoon for a shoe horn. I have however been pretty good about honoring her request that I stop stirring my coffee with my car keys.

As I mentioned in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot, Big Louie his own bad self…the top guy of our Louie Louie Generation encourages us to take command of our lives by walking tall, making eye contact, and speaking in a firm but smiling voice. And I do those things when it’s necessary. But sometimes, I just like to slouch and mumble. And I am confused, because I can’t seem to slouch or mumble when I’m wearing these gloves.

I usually don’t wear gloves. I’m from Brooklyn, and New York isn’t a glove town. On cold days, New York guys stick our hands in our pockets when we slouch and mumble. The only guys who wear gloves in New York play for the Mets, the Yanks or the Rangers. So I haven’t had a pair of gloves in years. In fact, I think the last gloves I had were kindergarten mittens with a string attached from one to the other so I wouldn’t lose them. But these are fancy, shmancy leather gloves and they have what you might call a Viagral effect on my whole body. They actually make me feel like standing up tall, making eye contact, and speaking in a firm but smiling voice, instead of slouching. Good Lord. Does that mean putting these gloves on actually makes me feel like a grown up ?

I have always been suspicious of growing up…too far…up. A little…growing up you’ve got to. Gotta make a living and all that stuff. But so far I’ve kept dangerous developments like maturing under control. Right there on page 69 of my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot it says: “Many people who are not guys will sometimes call those of us who are guys, ‘Maturity Challenged.’ And they’re right. But it’s not our fault. Big Louie says, a guy’s brain is swimming in a sea of testosterone, which gives him a deep voice, a beard, and a hand just the right size for using a TV remote. Now please remember that testosterone is a preservative. And what does a preservative do? It keeps nasty stuff from growing on things like meat. And growing is another word for maturing. So naturally, a brain that’s swimming in a sea of testosterone simply cannot grow and mature. It’s not our fault. We’re only guys. We do the best we can with what we’ve got to work with.” It’s right there in my book. Page 69. Get a copy.

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

  1. Why are there condom topped taxis in Manhattan ?
  2. How do they make the grass grow green on Capitol Hill ?
  3. How can a sneeze get you pregnant in Sweden ?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

Sister Mary Knucklebuster always said, “Grow up.” Why? I liked being a kid. And they lied to me when I was a kid. I didn’t need algebra once today. Which is good, because I always knew you can’t really multiply letters. And no I can’t find your ex. Because I don’t think she’s coming back. Louie Louie guys don’t grow all the way up. Especially Louie Louie guys who are pilots. I go to the airport and climb in my airplane… carefully run the check lists, and I look around before I yell “Clear Prop” and start the engine, turn on the avionics…everything comes on with blinking lights…I love that. Then I call the tower and get taxi permission…I smoothly advance the throttle to taxi power, I get and acknowledge takeoff permission, and then…if nobody’s watching…as I firewall the throttle, I make that sound we all made as kids. BBrrrruuuummm. I’m not thinking of the job, or the mortgage or the kids. My head is completely full of BBrrrruuum. Brrruuum is the reason we have NASA. NASA doesn’t exist to benefit the human race by reaching for the stars. We don’t need hands full of stars…we don’t need to go to hostile, deadly worlds…we already have Chicago for that. NASA exists so we can go BBBRrrrruuum.

My friend Chuck just retired from a long and distinguished career as an airline pilot, and he’s no better than I am. He sent me a note last week that said, “I remember my third grade teacher Ms. Abernathy was always saying to me, ‘Charles, stop looking out the window. Nobody will ever pay you for looking out the window.” Chuck is a genuine Louie Louie lad. So he was over- joyed to note that he was grateful for an almost forty year career doing what he loves…looking out the window … of his airliner.

Pilots never grow up…too far. That kiddie sound…BBBrrruuum is always hiding somewhere in our heads. Ladies tend to like pilots. I think it’s because ladies tend to like kids. There’s a story about a lady who liked a pilot…a lot in the Night Connections 2 personal audio cd.

She’s young, and healthy, and even a little lovely. There will be other men. But none of them will ever have all of her…like he did. They won’t know that. But every one of them will have to share a secret part of her…with him. Forever.

“Just Enough” is from the Night Connections 2 Personal Audio cd. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy check out the Night Connections 2 icon on the home page.

Women have to grow up, because guys need some adult supervision. We can’t always be going BBrrruuum. And we can’t slouch around and mumble all the time either. It’s pretty obvious that I don’t understand women. They don’t usually go BBruuum. And they very seldom slouch and mumble. But there’s something hiding just under the skin with women that’s really different from us. I’ve never been able to figure it out. But I’ve seen it. It’s there.

My Lady Wonder Wench knows all about astronomy, and history, and manners. She’s smart. She knew exactly how to act all those years ago when she first met my mother and my aunts, and how to take care of the kids, and she kept me sane when I got fired. But she wasn’t really acting like a grown up when she gave me these gloves. She was sitting on the floor like a little girl, and teasing me and laughing…when she gave me the gloves…this woman who even knows how to act at a polo match. It’s hugely female when she does things like that. It’s nothing like the kind of BBrrruuum that’s always buzzing around in my head. It’s frankly…grown up and sexy. And different.

These gloves really confuse me. Why…when I put them on, do I automatically stop slouching and mumbling. It’s like I can’t help myself. I stand up straight, I make eye contact, and I speak in a firm but friendly voice. I do not want to be all grown up. The word grown can be spelled two ways.” Grown” or” groan.” As in “groan up.” And I’m not going there. At least not all the way there.

So when I put these gloves on, I always make it a point to walk over to my Lady…and stand very close…and breathe heavily on her glasses so she can’t see where I’m putting my hands…and smile, and brush her hair back from her eyes, and kiss… her ear…slowly…and I whisper BBBrrrrruuuum. 



One Response to “All Groan Up”

  1. dick butler says:

    You hit the nail on the head all us Louie Louie guys do something like brmmmm.I in my big rig still can hear me going weeeeee when going down a long hill in pa.most pimple people would never understand.

    Dick sorry about the weather in the northeast but a client wants me to stay and work in Miami the next 2weeks it was a tough decision.