Dick Summer Connection

I’m resting here in my big, comfortable black leather poppa chair in my living room, after an exhausting day of starring in one of the leading reality shows on the government run Godless Communist Chinese Television Network. Loosely translated, the show is called, “Tune In And Laugh At American Guys.” It consists entirely of satellite shots that zoom in on guys like me putting together 3 person porch swing sets imported from China.

It’s the kind of swing that Kevin Costner and Susan Sarandon were sitting on at the end of the movie Bull Durham…except that it’s a three seater. Why is it a three seater ? They’re trying to mess up American morale by threatening to send Commie Commissar chaperones to screw up our romantic summer evenings on a porch swing. 

I told you before about my adventures assembling a Godless Communist Chinese made outdoor barbecue. The one that had some of the parts made in Burma…where they don’t like us too much either. So the instructions included statements like “Should to insert bolt forcefully with included hammer without regard to puncture in finger from doing so. Ha Ha.” But this time the Godless Communist producers of the show, like Godless producers everywhere, demonstrated their whole hearted dedication to doing things on the cheap, by simply not including instructions. That’s why, if anyone has an extra Chinese bolt, I’d like to swap you for a couple of Chinese nuts. See, Chinese bolts won’t screw into American nuts.

 And you know the kind of job that takes two guys…not because there’s a lot of weight involved, but you’ve got something too floppy to handle both ends yourself ? Or you think you can’t, until your wife smiles, and says, “Why don’t you call our neighbor Randy and ask him to help.” Not going to happen if you’re me. Stand back woman. I don’t need any help. I can do this…so I’ve got both ends of the half assembled floppy seat, and I’m just about to insert bolt forcefully with included hammer…and something that feels suspiciously like that Chinese bolt made in Burma falls on my foot, and bounces away…and it’s the last one in the box, and I’m standing in tall grass…at the top of a hill.

 Dick’s Details Quiz – all answers are in the current podcast.

1- What does the expression, “sleep tight” have to do with Jack Daniels ?

2- What does flying an airplane upside down do for you ?

3- How do we know that the smart guys in the white lab coats don’t have wives or girlfriends

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

 People usually think pilots are good mechanics. That’s not necessarily true. I’m a pilot. But my mechanical shortcomings are the reason I got to star in “Tune In And Laugh At American Guys.” The FAA has a rule about pilots fixing their own airplanes. It’s very short. It says, “Don’t.” Because they know that most of us only know stuff like pull the wheel back and the houses down there get smaller. Push the wheel forward and the houses down there get bigger. Pull the wheel back too far, and hold it too long, and the houses down there get bigger very fast. Any time you want your plane fixed, a government licensed mechanic has to do it. He works on your plane for a while, and he calls you and says, I think it should be ok now. Why not come down to the airport and fly around for a while. I’ll keep an eye open for you. It’s marginally better than the cable companies…”We’ll have a repair man in your vicinity between February 24^th and the All Star Game. Will somebody be home ?”

 Actually, most people don’t know very much about pilots at all. There aren’t very many of us. And most of us don’t fly air liners or fighter jets. We’re just ordinary guys who love to fly…usually in our little one, two, four or six seat airplanes. Ordinary guys. With ordinary lives. Just people…with ordinary people problems. There’s a personal audio cd about that. It’s called Love Comes When You Least Expect It. It’s about two pilots and a woman. There’s a few minutes of the story in the current podcast.

 She was beautiful…that woman…and smart…and more mysterious than any woman that pilot ever met. And she took over his life…it seems like without even trying. That kind of thing happens at little airports. It happens. It happened. If you like that part of the story, you can just keep the podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy…or you’d like to know the rest of the story, just go to the home page, and down load it from the Love Comes When You Least Expect It icon.

 I guess most American guys have appeared on that Godless Communist grim reality show…trying to put stuff like my swing set together. And most of us have inserted that bolt forcefully with included hammer without regard to puncture in finger from doing so. Ha Ha. But I was just thinking about the guys who make this stuff. Not the Godless Communist big guy producers. The ordinary guys…guys like you and me.

 Besides the swing set in my back yard, and the barbecue grill on my back deck, some ordinary Chinese guy made the little Christmas tree lights that I string on my tree every year. Chances are, he doesn’t really know what Christmas is. Or why little lights have anything to do with it. He’s just showing up for work every day…putting in his ten or twelve hours…sticking those little bulbs in those tiny sockets.

 His fingers must hurt by the time he leaves the factory, and on the way home, he breathes that dirty air that we all saw during the Olympics. I wonder if he knows how it feels to toss some hamburger on that grill…and have a bunch of friends over on a Fourth of July…celebrating freedom by…drinking beer…and laughing and telling corny jokes…and watching the fireworks at night. The Chinese guy’s neighbor probably made those fireworks…but the Fourth of July, and that idea of freedom…that’s something he’s probably not going to understand.

 I was thinking about that Chinese guy, working his fanny off to make the bolt that’s sitting somewhere in the tall grass in the back of my home. And I started thinking about what Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation always says…”Watch out, because Non Judgement Day is coming.”

 So…little ordinary Chinese guy who made the bolt I lost…maybe you’d like to know that my Lady Wonder Wench and I got to rock gently back and forth…watching the fire flies one night on the swing set you made. And she likes her burgers almost raw…I like mine medium…and that barbecue grill you made sizzles them just right. If you lived around here, I’d be glad to flip one for you too…I know where I can get some Chinese Kirin beer…and there’s plenty of room in the cooler for yours. American guys like to share stuff like that.

 And I hope you someday get to walk into a room full of the scent of a real Christmas tree, and see the lights you made, and listen to Jingle Bells, and Silent Night, and hear the little kids laughing and tearing the pretty paper off their presents. I know the guy down the block from you probably made the paper…and the toy inside. Thanks for that.

 Maybe you don’t know it, but while you’re tuned in and laughing at us American guys trying to put the stuff you made together, there’s something you should understand. We know it was your other buddy across the street from you, who made the fireworks that help us celebrate our freedom. And…from one ordinary guy to another… hang in there…maybe some day…I hope we’ll get to share that too.

I’m sitting here in my big, comfortable, black leather poppa chair in my living room, trying to come to grips with the fact that once again I was not described as the sexiest man in the world by People Magazine, which is probably the most popular magazine published by the Pimple People Press. You know how certain talking heads broadcasters always slam the main stream media ? Now as you know, Louie-Louie Generation gentlemen can’t be bothered slamming anybody, but we do know how to put things into perspective. So let’s put the Pimple People Press into perspective. In fact, let’s put the Pimple People into perspective

 This is now several years in a row that I have missed being voted the sexiest man in the world. But generally, I’m handling the disappointment well I think. Because I know my limbics are in good shape, and theirs aren’t. As you know your limbic system is the part of your brain that makes you go “WHOPEEEE.” And it also gets you in trouble. So, like most Louie-Louie Generation guys, I understand and sympathize with the shallow thinking and questionable taste that is the trademark of the Pimple People in general. They simply don’t have our experience, our charm, our understanding of worldly affairs. And it’s not their fault. They’re kids ! They don’t have a clue. They’ve probably never even heard our theme song, Louie-Louie. We take control, and boost our sexiness levels simply by humming it to ourselves. Then we smile…and they have no idea what we’re thinking.

 Pimple People can’t even figure out that the peak of a baseball cap is designed to keep the sun out of your eyes, not off the back of your neck. They stick pins in some places that look really painful. They wear clothes that are baggy enough to contain the person and a reasonably large refrigerator. And some Pimple People guys don’t mind sharing their girlfriends and wives with their buddies. And the girls don’t seem to mind a bit. I don’t understand that, any better than they probably understand me.  

 So as a public service, I thought I’d give the members of the Pimple People a list of what’s really sexy to one Louie-Louie Generation guy…me. Nobody can speak for all Louie-Louie Generation guys, because our tastes are so rich and varied. But here are the top ten turn ons for me.

 10- The dance. George Harrison said it. “There’s something in the way she moves.” My Lady Wonder Wench will sometimes stretch, swivel her hips, smile, and sit down slowly. It’s like watching a soft sheet of raw silk unfold. I’ll bet fashion models practice moving like that in front of a mirror. It makes my eyebrows twitch, and my ears wiggle, and often it causes other even more basic physical reactions.

 9- Her arm in a sleeveless summer blouse. It makes me want to kiss her…all the way up to where the blouse begins at the tip of her shoulder. That makes her tilt her head to that side and smile.  She knows I don’t want to stop kissing her there…and I think she turns her head a little because she’s a little ticklish in certain feminine places. And she smiles because her limbic system lights up too.

 8- I love touching her. Not just in sexy places. Actually, almost any place can be sexy. I love touching her face, or the smooth back of her neck, lying on a pillow in the moonlight filtering through our bedroom window…or in the first few minutes of dawn. 

 7- Has to be her eyes. Especially when they’re sparkling and laughing because she’s with me. I love looking into her eyes for a long, long, time. That makes the pupils of her eyes get very big, and then…sometimes they close very slowly. That makes me hope she’s seeing me inside.

 6- She has a sultry voice. Soft, and smiling, and low. It comes from all the way inside her. It makes me want to know all of the most delicious thoughts that are making her laughs so smooth and sexy. And under some circumstances, I love the sound of that voice saying things only I am ever going to hear.

 5- Walking into an empty bedroom, and catching the last wisp of her perfume. It makes me wonder…and fantasize…that the fragrance was all she was wearing. And I wonder what she’s wearing now. So much of sexiness is in the wondering. Wondering is what you do when you’re in the presence of magic. Not card tricks. Magic.

 4- Her scent. I love her smell. Including her sweat. I love the look, the scent, and the feel of her sweat. It’s the opposite of “cool.” I don’t care for cool. I love passion. If I block everything else out of my mind, and focus only on her, for about as long as it would take to sing a particular song that we call our own…I know she will actually start to sweat. And I love her sweat. I love her smell.

 3- Sharing a shower or a hot tub. Warm water washes away a lot of years and aches and pains. It makes me young again. It takes me back to my days as a young beach lifeguard at Coney Island. It really was even better than Baywatch showed you…in the waves…on the hot sand…and under the boardwalk. I didn’t know my Lady Wonder Wench then. Sharing a shower or a hot tub helps me time travel back all those years. But this time…with her.

 2- I don’t think I’ll tell you about number two. I’ll just sit here  and enjoy thinking about it. You’re very welcome to join me by sitting there and thinking about your own number two.

 And number one ? Let me think about that for a minute.

 Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1-    Why shouldn’t you let anybody get your horse’s goat ?

2-    If a gun is pointed at you, what are you likely to do to the air around you?

3-    Which is your most sensitive finger ?

 Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

 I don’t think most Pimple People understand that sexiness is a lot more than meat meeting meat. I think they mostly miss the magic. There’s a story about that in the current podcast. It’s from the Bedtime Stories personal audio CD. It’s called “For The Long Run.” If you like it, you can just keep the podcast, or if you want a fresh copy, just go back to the home page and download it from the Bedtime Stories icon.

 So…what’s my number one limbic system lighter ? My Lady Wonder Wench is a fanatic New York Mets baseball fan. So I sometimes call her my Baseball Babe. And she has some of the most dangerous curves known to mankind. So she makes my limbic system light up enough to play an all night game, just by pitching me any one of those curves.  The poor pimple people wouldn’t understand.

My friend Capt. Eric sent a very special note about some of the radio stories told here on the Connection. Here’s a short excerpt:

Don’t you miss that world, Dick?  Don’t you think we’ve lost something?  I do.  We’ve lost the live human being bringing living, breathing, human contact into some kid’s ear in the dark of a Kansas summer night.  That was my secret night world…the music and the voices in between the crackling static of distant thunderstoms and the humid buzzing of cicadas.  I’m glad you’re bringing back just a little of that.  But I wish you could go back live.

Yeah I miss it sometimes. But I’m glad I’m not there to see it die. And that’s what it’s doing. Corporate greed and individual cowardice are to blame. But watch for Podcasting and Streaming to come on strong soon. Where there are humans, there is hope.

I just had to turn off the tv in order to avoid falling into a well. There is a giant well on tv, and radio, and in the supermarket… and…everywhere. We are all being sucked down into this…well. Almost every time somebody is asked a question, the first word in the answer is…”WELL.” Even the tv news people do it. “Well, what’s the weather going to be like tomorrow Al? Well…probably nice if that tornado doesn’t hit.” I’ll bet even our leaders do it. “Well, what are we going to do today Barak ? Well, let’s check out that gulf oil well.” You even hear it in hospitals where nobody is well. My buddy Bob had a serious operation recently. Fortunately it was successful. I know that because when I asked the doctor, he said, “Well, he’s going to get well.” I said “Swell.”

 I  mentioned this to you last Christmas, but I noticed a distinct surge of indifference on your part, so I just kind of dropped it. But maybe it was just due to a lot of fa la la la la going on in your life. I have to tell you, tonight, I once again welled up with anger and frustration at all four of the guests on the Keith Olberman show. They were drilling a hole in my tv screen with their wells. WE HAVE GOT TO PLUG THESE WELLS.

 People use the word well at the beginning of their answers in order to make you pay attention to what they’re saying. That may have worked a long time ago…maybe when a line of cave guys were out walking on thin ice, and the guy in front warned the guy behind him not to step there because he’d fall into a well. But get a grip folks. As an attention grabber these days, “Well” doesn’t do well.

 I am an attention sponge. Most kids have imaginary friends. I had an imaginary microphone. And I’m telling you we need a new attention grabbing word. Because there are times when you really need to get somebody’s attention fast. For example, just before I take off in my little airplane, I always told my passengers to fasten their seat belts. Sometimes the guys In the back seats ignored me. So now I tell them, “Fasten your seat belts, because sometimes the plane doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to.” That gets results. But we need to boil that whole statement down to one word if we really want to replace the word well.

 Hark is a word that suggests itself. See how that word got your attention ? Practically gave you whip lash didn’t it. I mentioned it last Christmas because I noticed what it does for the Herald Angels. Nobody would even have noticed them if it weren’t for that word “Hark.”  So, unless you have a better solution, suppose we encourage all our friends, which ever enemies we’re still talking to, and all guests on the Keith Olberman show to use the word “Hark” when they’re about to say “Well”? In fact, why not encourage Keith to do the same.

 I don’t really watch his show. I listen to it because I like the way he uses the language. He flattened me the other night when he was using a string of words to describe a politician who was caught with his hand in the wrong cookie’s jar. He went through the usual stuff… ”sleaze bucket, jerk, pervert,” etc. Then he reached back, took a deep breath and laid one on us. He added the word “mountebank.” It was the perfect word. As I’m sure you know a mountebank is not a mountain based savings and load establishment…it is a person, usually a guy…who is…a sleaze bucket, a jerk, a pervert…etc. It was the perfect final salute big bang to a fire works display of words.  

 Think how classy Rocky Balboa would have sounded if instead of saying “yo” he said, “Hark.” Hark even covers boo-boos, because it gives people whip lash. Because the herald angels said Hark, people got whiplash and didn’t notice that they rhymed “Proclaim” with “Bethlehaim.” I’ll bet if you start answering questions with the word hark, you’ll get away with all kinds of stuff. “Is that some other woman’s lipstick on your collar ?” Hark…I can explain. “Are you PMSing ?” Hark…no, I just feel like screaming.” “Why do you look so sad ? “Hark…I just got fired.” See…Hark works well.

 Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1- Why do smart people have noisy hair ?

2- What game is the U.S. Treasury playing ?

3- Name one thing that nobody can possibly do to himself.

 Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

 Sometimes you get somebody’s attention and they jump to an exactly wrong conclusion. There’s a story in the current podcast from the Night Connections 2 album that explains what I mean. See if you make a mistake, and jump to the wrong conclusion. The story is called “The Quiet Man’s Woman.” It’s in honor of a man I was privileged to call a friend. The late Billy McGroaraty…Homicide Detective…NYPD. The bad guys finally got him. We miss you Billy. If you like the story, you can just keep the podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just down load if from the home page.

 Comon. March to a different accordion with me. Make a mark with Hark. Or, come up with a better way of plugging that world wide weary word well. If you can, drop me an email…dick at dick summer. com Of course cleverly using the word Hark instead of well is only one way to get attention. When the weather outside is frightful, if you go around dressed in your gay attire, wishing everybody fa la la la la…that will do it too. Making the mistake of taking a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time will do it…sooner or later. Of course, taking too long to change a baby will definitely get your attention. I think that’s where we got the term “a baby shower.”

Three Cheers for the Lusty Ladies of  the Louie-Louie Generation. Wow is this “What would you do if you were invisible” poll steaming up. I never heard of some of this stuff. You L.L.Generation Ladies beat the Louie-Louie Generation Guys at steamy fantasies by zip codes.

“What would you do if you could be invisible?” Email to Dick@DickSummer.com, or just leave a comment here. Thanks.

Lust is raising it’s sweaty head in the “What would you do if you were invisible” poll. I’m surprised and delighted that so many of the “lust-ers” are ladies. Lady Lust-ers are Lovely.  One young Lady Lust-er wrote:

“I would crawl into bed with George Clooney, and then make him pancakes for breakfast. “

Clooney. Why is it always Clooney ?

To add your fantasy to the poll, please either add a comment here, or send an e-mail to Dick@DickSummer.com  Thanks.

Lots of you are asking what I’d do first if I were invisible. The first thing I’d do is hitch a jumpseat ride in a 777, and enjoy watching the ace pilots do their thing. WHAT’s THE FIRST THING YOU WOULD DO? Drop me a note either as a comment here, or an Email at Dick@DickSummer.com

I guess in some ways I’m hiding out, here in my big, comfortable, black, comfortable poppa chair in my living room. I’m telling you that because Proud Podcast Participant Jeff Silver sent me a note suggesting that I put some pictures of myself and Lady Wonder Wench on the web site. Let me explain why I don’t want to do that. I like the fact that you can’t see me. That way if I can manage to get enough of your interest with what I’m saying, you’ll make up your own picture of me. I can look like the handsomest guy who lurks in your imagination.

 That’s why I liked being on the radio instead of on TV. That’s why when I do TV commercials, I never appear on camera. I just do the voiceovers. That’s why I love doing the personal audio CDs. I like being invisible.

 Look at it this way: If you could be invisible…think of the conversations you could listen to, the people you could watch when they didn’t know you were there, the places you could sneak into for free. It would be like the old comic strip and radio show…”The Shadow.” “Who knows what evil LURKS in the hearts of men. The Shadow knows.” Only his girlfriend Margo Lane could see “The Shadow.” She had to be able to see him, because they were seeing each other.

 I think you can tell a lot about a person by listening to his or her voice. And evidently a lot of people…especially single women… agree with me. The biggest thing in the sperm donor world these days is that the women listen to recordings of the donors voices. I came across a quote by a young lady from Boston by the name of Michelle. She said: “When I found a man who met my criteria regarding education and medical history, I listened to an hour long recording of his voice, telling about his family, friends his life experiences and his wife. It was really moving. During the last minute I had tears rolling down my face, and I knew this was the guy for me.”

 Personal experience: My Lady Wonder Wench sometimes purrs. Which makes me want to pet her…so to speak. On the other hand, the recording of the woman the telephone company uses when she says, “We’re sorry, but your call cannot be completed as dialed” makes me want to gag her with three rolls of duck tape. One of the earliest and strongest memories I have is my dad and mom reading to me when they put me to sleep. Dad had a strong, deep, gentle voice. It made me feel very safe listening to him. Mom loved poetry. And she had a lovely, lilting, quiet voice when she read to me. It made me feel cared for.

 Mom and dad made “once upon a time” a big part of my growing up. It was just as strong as the other big things a kid has to learn. “Always wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident and they see you in the hospital.” “Don’t hit people, even if you want to take away their soft, warm oatmeal cookie.” “Don’t run with scissors, especially if you’re chasing your brother.” Of course guys have to learn, “pick up the toilet seat first, then put it back down.” And Brooklyn boys have to learn things like “always put stuff back where you got it. Even if you have to break back in to do it.”

 Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1-    What tends to put the biggest smiles on the faces of older men ?

2-    In my neighborhood, what kind of books outsell cookbooks?

3-     If you get a call in the middle of the night, and all you hear at the other end is heavy breathing what’s probably on the other end of the line?

 Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

 We’ve got some good news. Our podcast master David Summer has made it simple fast and easy for you to download as many of our past podcasts as you like. It’s free. Just go to www dot dick summer dot com, slash goodnight. They’ll all come up from I tunes. And Good Night is now also on the Stitcher app- which makes it easy to listen on your iPhone, Android Phone,  BlackBerry and Pre. They call Stitcher Smart Radio for your Smart Phone. You can download it free at Stitcher.com. All free stuff.

 Long answer to a short question from Proud Podcast Participant Jeff Silver. I don’t put more pictures on the website, do on camera tv commercials…that’s why I loved being on the radio instead of TV, that’s why I love doing audio only podcasts and the Personal Audio CDs. It’s not just that I make a better impression when you can’t see me. I’m not ugly. I just love the idea of being able to get into your head deeply enough, so you feel like making your own picture of what I might look like. Because when you do that, I can always go with you…whenever and wherever you like. I can even go with you to wherever you go, when you go to sleep.

I’m sitting here in my big, comfortable black leather poppa chair in my living room, looking at a beautiful woman who’s dozing off on the couch. My Lady Wonder Wench is fresh out of her shower. She has a towel wrapped around her head, and she’s wearing the soft blue bathrobe that matches her eyes, and her high top black leather bedroom slippers. One very shapely leg has slipped out from under her bathrobe, and it is distracting me perhaps more than is reasonable for a Louie-Louie Generation gentleman who has been with the same Louie-Louie Generation lady for a very long time. She is a beautiful, smart, sexy, sleepy lady. The Belle of all Babedom. And after all these years, looking at her sometimes still makes my eyebrows flip, my nose twitch, and my ears wiggle…to say nothing of certain other physical responses which still seem beyond my control. Big Louie, his own bad self, the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation always says, “There are two kinds of people in this world. The winners and the whiners.” The fact that she is dozing off on our couch, in our living room, where I can see her…makes me a winner in this life.

If you’ve just jumped in on this blog, I should explain about Big Louie. He’s the spiritual father of a group of us who have fond memories of the times we’ve had, and are having, with the song Louie-Louie playing in the background of our lives. Big Louie is a Sweaty Spirit. He first appeared to me in the back seat of my jalopy while I was parked one sultry summer evening with a young lady in the parking lot at Riis Park in Brooklyn…a VERY long time ago. His song was playing on the radio…and I heard his voice whispering some good advice for his boys and girls. He was saying, “Keep your fights clean and your loving dirty.” As I said, Louie is a sweaty spirit. And I think sweat is good for you. It’s good for your muscles and it’s good for your mind.

The Forces For Good In The Community don’t generally agree with me. They seem devoted to protecting the delicate American psyche from such terrors as seeing Janet Jackson’s breast, or hearing Howard Stern’s potty mouth. They think they’re winners, but they’re really whiners. Especially the suits at the FCC. Of course, FCC Commissioners are political appointees. When you break down the word politics, it helps you understand. Poly means many. Tics are small, nasty bugs that carry diseases.

If you start asking politicians about things like why we’re still at war, or why we’re still depending on the 1970s technology of our space shuttles to get into space, and in fact how come for about five years after the last shuttle goes up, we’ll have to rent seats on Russian space craft before our own new space ships even begin testing…ask questions like that, and you get answers like…“WELL, I’m glad you asked that question. We need to keep America safe. Especially for our families. And I’m going to see to it that we maintain our firm no nipples on TV policy, to protect our CHILDREN from seeing naked breasts.” Now that’s a head scratcher to me, because my mother, who was a very straight shooter, once admitted to me that I was breast fed WHILE STILL A CHILD.

But WAIT ! (As they say on 2am TV commercials for sure fire ways to get rich) The FCC is going to make us even safer. They are collecting air checks from networks which broadcast live sporting events. They will go over them carefully, and fine any broadcaster who happened to have an open mike anywhere near some drunken loud mouth fan who screams something the government decides is obscene. NOW, don’t you feel ever so much safer ? You can’t make this stuff up. It’s true.

I will never forget the day that a very young and very excited relative of mine once called my lady Wonder Wench, breathlessly shrieking at the top of her lungs, “Nana, WE WON BEST BITCH !” (Actually the kid didn’t win, her pooch did at a dog show.) But if she said that near a broadcast microphone, supposedly the FCC could now say, “Zap Mr. Broadcaster, fork over $350,000.” The far bigger problem of course is that the government gets to decide what’s off limits because it’s “obscene.” AND THEY WON’T TELL ANYBODY HOW THEY COME TO THEIR DECISIONS. Obvious question: “What’s to stop them from saying anything that’s critical of the government is also off limits?” That’s the way they do things in China, and Syria and other such freedom loving countries.

Here’s another personal head scratcher: A bitch is just a female dog. A son of a bitch is a female dog’s male offspring. What’s the big deal ? If you have a heart attack because some idiot calls you a male dog, you have a problem and it’s not a medical one. I say just growl and scratch behind your ear. And if you’re a guy, lift a leg menacingly.

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.

1-    What’s the negative about having a barrel full of monkeys around ?

2-    Why may homeless people be safer than you ?

3-    What should you never tell your favorite highway ?

 Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

Sitting here looking at my Lady Wonder Wench…just out of her shower…reminds me of one of the stories in the Night Connections Personal Audio Cd. It’s called…”The Shower Lady.”Sometimes most of the sweat in a shower doesn’t come from the hot water. Hey…remember…sweat’s good for the body and the mind. But isn’t it a fast take down when the heat…runs out…and you’re left standing in the cold. If you like “The Shower Lady,”  just go back to the home page and download it from the Night Connections icon.

I don’t want to leave you with a wrong impression here. I don’t care for crude language, and I don’t use it personally except occasionally as I’m filling my car or plane with gas and I’m watching the numbers on the pump blurring past. Some people like potty mouth. On the other hand, many of The Forces For Good In The Community…feel that Armageddon lurks at the next mention of a crotch. I think…I hope…most people have real lives to live, so they just don’t really care. To each his own. As Big Louie always says, “It’s not so important that you see things the way I do, what’s important is that you keep looking.”

As far as the affect of language on kids, we taught our kids respect for the language, for other people’s sensitivities and for themselves. So none of them have come down with terminal potty mouth. In fact all the boys even survived the experience of fifth grade boys’ bathroom humor unscarred, and some of them are now even able to listen to Howard Stern without noticeable emotional or physical decay .

And don’t get me started on the nerve of many people and most politicians (I make a distinction between the two) who can’t tell the difference between pornography and eroticism. Calling a picture of a beautiful naked woman “dirty,” is really stupid, and in fact I think you could call it blasphemous. Because the last time I looked at a catechism (which I admit has been a while) it said the Lord made us IN HIS OWN IMAGE. And let me tell you, the next time I look at a beautiful naked woman (which will be very soon if I get a little lucky with that lady on the couch) I will try to remember to say, “Yes Lord. You did exactly that. And thank you very, very much.”