Dick Summer Connection

What’s a good Louie-Louie Generation guy supposed to do when he needs a good back scratch, but he’s out of luck because his personal Catherine Zeta Jones is off grocery shopping?  What’s he supposed to do when an overwhelming thirst strikes, but the nearest woman who looks like Angelina Jolie is out being measured for her new bikini, so she can’t go and get him something cold?

 

The answer is…Summer’s Solo Sleazies.  They were developed because even the best women… like my Lady Wonder Wench… have been known to occasionally forego the pleasures of the flesh in favor of brushing their teeth, discussing a new neighbor on the phone, or going grocery shopping.

 

My Lady Wonder Wench came home yesterday totally exhausted, and she said, “You can’t believe how much I’ve had it with the idiots out there.  Leave me alone.”  Being the sensitive Louie-Louie Generation guy that I am, I instantly caught the subtle hint that if I tried any of my famous “Tricky – Dickie” stuff on her to change her mind, I would risk putting myself in serious danger of having her remove my Viagral parts with a spoon.

 

Ms. Wench is pretty good at dealing with my “Tricky-Dickie” stuff anyway.  So I was thinking that an evening of prayer and fasting might be in store, even as a power point presentation of the girls wearing the latest fashions in the latest Victoria’s Secret catalogue started running through my head.  They had to run.  If they slowed down I’d have caught them all.

 

So it was obvious that I was going to have to relieve the pressures of life unilaterally, with some of the solitary sensual pleasures that are available to all of us.  Skipping gaily past the obvious ones that Sister Mary Holy Hygiene taught us would result in hairy palms, blindness, and eternal damnation, leaves us with the elementary beginnings of Summer’s Solo Sleazies.  To whit:

1- Solo Scratching

2- Retro Rubbing

3- Sensual Showering

4- Sexy Scalping

5- Sinful Sneezing

 

Here’s how you partake:

 

1- Solo Scratching.  You can reach lots of your own back if you really try (while nobody is watching).  Reach over your shoulders, while pushing up on your elbow with your free hand, and you’ll make it pretty far down your spine.  You can also access your back by putting your hands on your hips and slowly sliding them up, while using your fingernails to do you know what.  I know going solo on this cuts down on the social aspects of back scratching which are so desirable, but it can still be semi-satisfying to all but the most demanding sensualists.

  

Some Solo Scratchers use various scratching aids to enhance the pleasure.  A fork does wonders to extend reach.  Better still, try a hamburger flipper or a soup ladle.  Be careful not to scratch too hard, though, because you can leave marks that could cause comments from your designated partner in the morning.  For guys, another variation is scratching the tops of your shoulders with an un-shaved chin.  This one gets me really weird looks from my Lady Wonder Wench, but that also reminds her that she has long fingernails for a reason…and she should be using them more frequently for that reason.  Solo Scratching should not be confused with…

 

2- Retro Rubbing … which is the slow and mostly circular manipulation of every reachable muscle in your body.  Start between your toes, work up past the soles and tops of your feet…your ankles…your legs…you get the idea.  Retro Rubbing Gurus can often make it all the way up to the neck.  And with practice, you can join them.  Big Louie, His Own Bad Self…the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation…is said to be able to Retro Rub from the base of his skull all the way to the top of his head without causing undue damage to his eyes.  In less experienced hands, Cranial Retro Rubbing, as this practice is called by professionals, has been known to result in such passionate eyelid squeezing that those with longish lashes have found them twisted and knotted together for days after the experience, making it impossible for them to actually open their eyes.  Many a poor lad has made a terrible mistake late at night in a bar due to the inability to get his eyes completely open…until the next morning.  And by then it’s usually too late.

 

There are those who make use of mechanical aids to Retro Rubbing.  Vibrators of every shape and horsepower are available for the advanced Retro Rubber.  Some are designed for internal use by ladies or extremely kinky guys.  We’ve had some reports of absolutely shocking results from the use of such aids, and Big Louie suggests you actually use them only under the direction of a qualified person, such as Carmen Electra.

 

3- Sensual Showering hardly needs an explanation.  Warm water splashing on your face, sliding down your neck, making soap snakes writhe down your shoulders…just making you think of that leaves me open to investigation by the Forces For Good In The Community for a violation of the infamous “Goodie Two Shoes Act,” which says it’s bad to make yourself feel good.  And of course, not to be ignored, is the Carnegie Hall effect that a shower stall has on your singing voice.  That’s part of the overall attraction of even a solo Sensual Showering.  Sensual Showering duets will be covered in a later blog under the heading of OOOOHHH GOD, YESSSS !

 

4- Sexy Scalping is the slow, sliding scratch that begins at the bottom of your neck and moves up to the base of your hair line. Advanced Sexy Scalpers have been known to take it even further…sometimes all the way to the top of their heads, in a maneuver known to professionals simply as “Going All The Way.” “Going All The Way” is considered by the uninformed to be a sub set of the more generalized Solo Scratching Sleaze.  But those who have experienced the low animal growl that “Going All The Way” often produces, just smile condescendingly and move on to….

 

5- Sinful Sneezing.  Solo Sleaze experts are always trying to explain to the skeptical masses the true joy of sneezing.  The easiest way to understand this is to compare the sneeze with a cough.  The cough hurts.  The Sneeze…well…there are those of us who feel that it’s the third best feeling that the Lord has given us.  Maybe he gave us the Sneeze to make up for the discomfort of colds, the Swine Flu, and Bubonic Plague.  But as Big Louie always says…”Why wait for a cold?  Just stare at a light bulb for a minute or so, and you’ll be sneezing yourself into sensualist serenity.”

 

Dick’s Details Quiz.  (All answers are in the current podcast.)

 

1- What does the Water Closet Ghost say to men?

2- Why might you have to burn your Jumentous underwear?

3- Why do some people literally bang their heads against a wall in an effort to lose weight?

 

Dick’s Details.  They take your mind off your mind.

 

In honor of our discussion of Summer’s Solo Sleazies, there is a cut from the Quiet Hands Personal Audio CD called “A Helping Hand” in the current podcast.  If you like it, you can just keep the podcast.  Or if you want a fresh copy, just go back to the home page and download it from the Quiet Hands icon.

 

I am not generally in favor of the excessive use of Summer’s Solo Sleazies, since I much prefer enjoying the participation of my Passionate Personal Partner in such sensually significant stuff.

 

But until we Louie-Louie Generation lads get better at mind reading, or our Louie-Louie Generation ladies stop going silent for weeks at a time, they are at least semi helpful tools in the on going battle to come to grips (so to speak) with the fact that even the women in the Victoria’s Secret catalogue are not ALWAYS thinking about sex.  And what a waste that is.  

 

 

This entry was posted on Saturday, July 18th, 2009 at 8:14 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.