Archive for October, 2015


Thursday, October 22nd, 2015

Regardless of her sometimes bizarre shopping habits, I am totally devoted to protecting my Lady Wonder Wench from the lesser affections of younger men.


When she gets dressed to go out with me, I never miss the opportunity to smile appreciatively, bow a little in her direction, and say something low and warm like, “Wow.” That makes her glow. Happy, healthy and hot. I wonder how long it will take the smart guys in the white lab coats to figure out that there’s more to sex than spreading our genes. When they recover from all their exhaustive research, they may even discover the awesome power of the word “Wow.” Our Louie-Louie ladies understand it very well. They know that they glow when we say “Wow.” They like glowing. Because they also know that “Wow” is really our sophisticated, worldly, gentlemanly way of saying “EEEHAA.” And EEE-HAA has nothing at all to do with genes. That’s from my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot. And there’s a story in today’s podcast about a young woman who was hit with the power of a sudden attack of Wow.

Lady Wonder Wench Writes

Wednesday, October 21st, 2015

An Email came pouring in from a proud podcast participant who said calling my girl “Wonder Wench” was a no-no. Lady Wonder Wench’s Reply:

It has been called misogynistic. The title “Wonder Wench”  was used once, ages ago, in a TV program that the Louie Louie Lad never saw until the other night. When he heard the guy on TV use wonder wench (without the “lady”), he got really upset.   (Or, as we used to say in Boston, he went ape-shit!) The Lad made up LWW for me a very long time ago and gave me it for a present, which curled my toes then and still does now. It has been questioned by adults (i.e., people OLDER than us). But it makes me smile with egotistic pleasure every time my Lad uses it, because it means I am that special to him. No other woman on this earth is called Lady Wonder Wench except me. So don’t touch it; it’s mine.

(Well, except for Wonder Woman and I am not about to argue semantics with that lady.)

Barb Barn LI


Wednesday, October 21st, 2015

In today’s podcast, you’ll learn some new theories about sex. My young friend Ty, a Louie Louie lad in training, says that the young women he knows all seem to be losing interest in sex. I don’t think women are losing interest in sex at all. I think they’re losing interest with the way Pimple People young guys go about EEE-HAA-ing during sex. And those of us who are fortunate enough to be Louie Louie Generation guys are just delighted to see that, because as I told you in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot we are totally dedicated to coming to the aid of suffering womanhood of all ages. Young Pimple People guys often ignore, or at least pretend to ignore, any woman who is old enough to be finished wearing braces on her teeth. That’s insulting, churlish, and wasteful. Fortunately, unattached Louie Louie Generation guys are always ready to carry the heavy burden of keeping as large a group of these young women as happy as possible. And attached Louie Louie guys like me are totally dedicated to keeping one woman happy, healthy, and hot. Why do you think I am always trying to talk my Lady Wonder Wench into letting me help her with her floor exercises? It has nothing to do with my genes and everything to do with her good health… more or less. We know that every woman looks in the mirror before she goes out and fiddles and fixes till she can honestly say, “Hey, I look pretty good.” And we’re just delighted to re-enforce her positive feelings. Because that gets us at least a smile. Sometimes more. kid's thursty



Tuesday, October 20th, 2015

In today’s podcast you’ll hear a some strange theory about sex. For example, “We want beautiful young women as mates, because they’re the ones who are most likely to be healthy enough to see to it that our genes get where we want them to go.” Some smart guy doctor stood there on live TV the other night and actually said that with a straight face. I think I can safely speak for my fellow Louie Louie Generation guys when I say: “There may be other reasons.” One of those reasons has quite accurately been summed up in the words, “EEE-HAA” which translates roughly to, “Oh thank you God, does that ever feel very good.” Contrary to this new scientific theory, I’m here to tell you that shortly after I have experienced many of those EEE-HAA moments, I have prayed quite fervently to that same God beseeching Him to drown every one of those pesky little genes in their own little gene pools. And I think I can safely say that my Lady Wonder Wench has joined me in that fervent prayer on more than one occasion. As this picture shows, a guy’s inclination toward beautiful women starts at a very early age.kid hand boob


Monday, October 19th, 2015

So, which explanation of why men want to have sex with beautiful women works for you? The theater of the mind I gave you in today’s podcast and yesterday’s blog about Jane Doe and Lady Wonder Wench with Bob and Bill, or this earful: The intermingling of genetic materials from 2 different organisms produce more adaptive results than the self replication of a single organism. There’s a chapter about this in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot. Part of it goes like this: The smart guys in the white lab coats have now announced that they’ve figured out why men want to have sex with beautiful young women. After exhaustive research, they have decided that it’s because we want to be sure that we spread our genes into the next generation. We want beautiful young women as mates, because they’re the ones who are most likely to be healthy enough to see to it that our genes get where we want them to go. Some smart guy doctor stood there on live TV the other night and actually said that with a straight face. I think I can safely speak for my fellow Louie Louie Generation guys when I say: “There may be other reasons.” mixed towelheads


Sunday, October 18th, 2015

There’s a “confession” in today’s podcast.

Jane Doe and I were both naked, standing there looking at each other, separated only by a window. I’m not sure Jane was her real name, and I didn’t know why she was standing there naked, looking through the window at me. She was barefoot, but her legs looked like high heels make a woman’s legs taper up to a perfect curve at her hips. She had lovely big brown eyes, and a body that would turn any male into an animal. She was breathing heavily… watching me …so carefully… waiting for me to make a move toward her. My Lady Wonder Wench wouldn’t know, and wouldn’t care. I knew she was naked in the bedroom with Bob. And I knew Bill would be in there with her in a few minutes. Bill was missing an eye, but for some reason she liked him better than Bob.  

Ha. Got your attention didn’t I? Painted some pictures for you didn’t I. That’s called “Theater of the mind.” What I was just telling you really happened. And some of those pictures probably connected you with parts of your body considerably south of your mind. Maybe all the way down there deep inside. But if you were taking pictures of what happened with your smart phone to send to a friend…or a lawyer…they wouldn’t produce the slightest virtual viagral effect.

Jane Doe was a doe. A deer. A female deer. She was eating acorns on our front porch and she really was lovely in the very early morning light. I was on my way to a potty break, when I happened to look out the window just as she was looking in. My Lady Wonder Wench was still in bed. Bob is what our digital alarm clock says when it’s 8:08. Bill without the eye is what it says at 8:11…just three minutes after Bob. My Lady likes Bill better than Bob, because she gets three minutes more sleep if she waits for Bill…without the eye…at 8:11.chick magnet


Saturday, October 17th, 2015

Today’s podcast is about a family re-union. The women in our family are very smart. Cinderella party


Friday, October 16th, 2015

It’s Friday Funnies time. This is from today’s podcast: apple gate

Dick’s Details, a bunch of totally un-important stuff for you to stuff in one ear, so you can squeeze the important stuff that’s making you crazy out the other ear, and you can grab a grin. The smart guys in the white lab coats tell us that the human body contains about 30 billion fat cells. I think some people have more…I’ve been to the all you can eat diner. If the answer is “He’s Hayden” what’s the question. I just found out that the University of Alabama is offering a course called, “Intro to Zombies.” I think if you’ve ever been to Alabama you’ll understand. More smart guys in white lab coats say your brain uses the same amount of energy that is contained in 2 large bananas every day. One medium size banana if you’re a member of Congress. I guess most lobsters are cheerful, because biologists tell us that only one lobster in five million is blue. If the answer is “He was Hayden” the question is “Why couldn’t Mozart find his piano teacher.” Nothing like ending on a discordant note. Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

Hey a quickie reminder, if you like these podcasts, or the spoken word cds at or my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot please tell a couple of friends. Your friends might like them too, and you’d be doing me a favor. Thanks.


Thursday, October 15th, 2015

One of the women at last week’s family reunion is a relative by marriage. She’s a step mother to six of the cousins. Her story is a little like the one called “Always” that’s in today’s podcast. It’s from my Night Connections spoken word album, but it has a much happier ending. Being a step mother is tough. Society looks at a step mother as if she’s the wicked old witch of the west…or the nasty lady in Cinderella. I think being a good stepmother is just as generous and hard and loving, as being a good birth mother. And that’s a very hard and hugely loving job. It takes a very powerful love, and such…generosity…to cherish and care for another woman’s child. But…never underestimate the level of stupidity achieved by large numbers of people. morans


Wednesday, October 14th, 2015

Today’s podcast is a warning that ruts will wreck you. There’s no question that there’s a kind of comfort in doing the same things you do all the time…the same way. But the problem is that you can get into ruts if you’re not careful. I don’t like ruts. There’s a difference between a path and a rut. You can take all kinds of side roads off a path. You just keep going in the same direction in a rut…and when you do that over and over, the rut gets deeper and deeper, until you’ve made such a deep ditch that you can’t see out over the top, and you can’t climb out so you can take a different direction if you want to. There’s also a difference between a rut and a habit. Habits can be good. Like, if you’re flying your little airplane, you should make a habit of  landing before you get out. And you should keep some actual food in your refrigerator. A six pack isn’t a suitable substitute which is sometimes difficult to get across…especially to Pimple People guys. And if you want to have the last word in an argument with your lady, the last word should be yes dear. I know that’s two words, but that is not the time to quibble. golf