Dick Summer Connection

Today’s podcast is about the terrible effects of testosterone on those of us who are testosterone soaked wretches. According to actual studies, Pimple People guys don’t have as much testosterone as Louie Louie Generation guys. No kidding. But I don’t think Pimple People guys really care. If Pimple People guys ruled the world there would be some changes made. Nodding and looking at your smart phone would be the expected answer to, “I love you.” When your lady needed to talk to you during a game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time out or a pitching change. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, girls would get a giant foam hand that says, “You’re #1,” and three bonus points in the next game of Thrones of Doom. Yesh.

Today’s podcast is about the terrible effects testosterone has on men. Women have a thing something like it. They call it PMS. Women have committed murder and have used PMS as a successful defense. They sympathize about it with each other all the time…you can hear them talking about it. “Oh you poor dear…I have a headache just thinking about how you must feel.” One woman gets PMS and all her friends get headaches. Which means one woman gets PMS and her husband, and all her friends husbands drown in testosterone tsunamis for a week. 

Today’s podcast is about the terrible effects of testosterone. Effects that are totally beyond a guy’s control. It doesn’t matter how much trouble we know we’re going to cause when the testosterone hits. Look at Kenny Rodgers… perfectly beautiful wife, singing success…more money than he can spend…soft lovely voice on his phone one day and ZAP! The testosterone hits. JFK and Bill Clinton…in the White House for God’s sake. Your testosterone hits, and before you know it the mirrors are all fogged up, the wallpaper has scratches in it, your dental caps are all over the floor, the bed is in splinters, and your mustache has come off. But it’s not your fault. It’s the testosterone.

I was a little concerned after last week’s podcast in which I revealed Big Louie’s All Purpose Answer to the Three Deadly Questions all women ask, because it gave guys a huge advantage. I was afraid I’d find my Lady Wonder Wench carefully reading our wedding license looking for loopholes. As smart as she is, I don’t think even my Lady Wonder Wench has really come to grips with how completely basic Louie Louie Generation guys are. I doesn’t matter what we’re doing…giving a presidential press conference…batting in the last of the ninth, bases loaded, your team three runs down seventh game of the world series…landing an airliner with 400 people aboard during a hurricane and one engine on fire…there’s a constant thought going around in our heads… Me want food. Me see woman with food. Me want woman too. It’s our testosterone that does this to us. I explained about testosterone on page 69 in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot. I quote, “A guy’s brain is swimming in a sea of testosterone, which gives him a deep voice, a beard, and a hand just the right size for using a TV remote. Now please remember that testosterone is a preservative. And what does a preservative do? It keeps meat and stuff from growing old and gnarly. And of course growing is another word for maturing. So naturally a brain swimming in testosterone simply cannot mature. It’s not our fault. We’re only guys.” 

In today’s podcast, you’ll get Big Louie’s All Purpose Answer to tough questions which is “Huh? You’ve got to be kidding””Does this outfit make me look fat”? is an example of one tough question that can be overcome using Louie’s answer…”Huh? You’ve got to be kidding.” It’s a valid answer for any really tough question. For example, “If  I died would you get married again?” Or “Was I your first sexual partner?” See…”Huh? You’ve got to be kidding” does the trick. It is an answer for Louie Louie Generation guys to use in times of distress and tumult. Pimple People guys could use it too. They have no idea how to handle tough questions. There’s word that a Pimple Person’s girl friend asked him why he spent so much time texting instead of paying attention to her, and instead of saying “Huh you’ve got to be kidding,” he tilted his head sideways and smiled at her. Wrong answer. Some Pimple People guys don’t bother to answer their girl’s questions, and that’ not a good idea either. Because eventually some Louie Louie Generation guy will come along and answer her very nicely. If you think I’m kidding, check out www.dicksummer.com 

My Lady Wonder Wench wrote this about the “Boyfriends” podcast..and just for the record that other guy may have been her first boyfriend, but I plan on being her LAST boy friend:

When I was growing up in the West End of Boston (long before the high-rise apartments; we lived in what was called a cold-water flat, meaning no hot water) – everyone’s biggest dream was to become somebody’s boyfriend or girlfriend.   In high school and in my first jobs, that was the height of success. “He’s my boyfriend.” Grrrr …

I had male friends but no real boyfriend until Pete. And we were engaged, so he was actually much more than a boyfriend. (Sorry, Louie Louie Lad, but that’s the truth.

The Lad has gone on quite a bit about my being his first real girlfriend.   That’s okay, but what about Matilda?   Maureen? Janie? I like being the Lad’s girlfriend – at my age, who wouldn’t? But it seems to me that the current generation of cell phone holders/I-pad users has never learned how to go about acquiring that girl-or boyfriend.

Wouldn’t it be a greater gift to those poor, lonely children to show them HOW they can acquire that girl or boy who will make them sandwiches for the beach or hold the level while he’s measuring?

Just for the record, I consider the Louie Louie Lad my first – and only – boyfriend.

Here’s just one part of this week’s absolutely, completely, and utterly important podcast: Dick’s Details, a bunch of completely un-important stuff for you to stuff in one ear, so you can squeeze the important stuff that’s getting you in trouble with your girl out the other ear, and you can remember Big Louie’s all important answer in your time of tumult. Statisticians tell us that public speaking is rated the #1 fear by average Americans. Death is the #2 fear. If the statisticians are right, that means when an average American goes to a funeral, he would rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy. If the answer is, “A foot” what is the question. Hard liquor advertising is still banned from TV. But you can advertise Viagra, condoms and Tylenol for your headache…and I’m looking forward to seeing commercials in that order some day…because that tells a little story all by itself…Viagra, condoms and Tylenol for her headache. Big Louie says testosterone keeps guys from getting headaches. They advertise testosterone on TV too, but they’re really missing the point…they show a guy smearing testosterone jelly under his arms. That’s not where it goes. And there are no turkeys in Turkey. Of course not. We’ve elected them all to Congress. If the answer is “A foot,” the question is “What is an appropriate stocking stuffer.” Got that one directly from the Ebenezer Scrooge Christmas catalog. Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

Quick program note. If you like these podcasts and blogs, please tell a couple of friends. That’s a good way to make more friends, and I’d appreciate it. Thanks.

This week’s podcast deals with the three great questions all women will eventually ask Louie Louie Generation guys. That third great question is awesomely tricky. “Was I your first sexual partner?” Please remember the right answer: “Huh? You’ve got to be kidding.” Because if you say yes, you are admitting that your teen years were a terrible waste because either you were either a complete nerd, you had pounds and pounds of pimples or you didn’t have a car with a back seat. But for God’s sake don’t say “No, I had other sex partners” Because if you admit you have had other sexual partners you are doomed to a great silence…and when you say, “What’s wrong?” you will get a very loud loathsome look, and that terrible comment… ”Nothing.” As Big Louie constantly reminds his Louie Louie Lads, “An argument that begins with “What do you mean by that” will never end with “Now I understand what you mean by that.” To learn about the other two great questions, check out today’s podcast.

Today’s podcast deals with part two of the second “Great Question” (If I died would you get married again?) Please remember the Big Louie approved answer: …”Huhh? You’ve got to be kidding.” Some of you will make the mistake of saying, “Yes dear, I would get married again, because our marriage was so happy.” And you will then fall into a completely predictable trap. Because her next question will be, “You mean you’ll let her sleep in my bed, live in my home, even use my golf clubs? When she says that, for God’s sake don’t say “No she won’t use your golf clubs. She’s left handed. ” The only answer is…that’s right…”Huh? You’ve got to be kidding.” For the correct answer to “Great Question” #3, please catch today’s podcast. 

In this week’s podcast Big Louie, the star of my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot, has given us his amazing all purpose guy’s answer to the three great questions that most women will ask eventually. Question #1 is: “Does this outfit make me look fat?” the first answer that might come to mind is “Well, you are gaining a little weight.” No. Guys. Do not go there. If she asks if that outfit makes her look fat, give her Big Louie’s all purpose answer which is ”Huh? You’ve got to be kidding.” Good. Now lets try the first part of great question #2, “If I died would you get married again?” Under no circumstances should you say the first thing that comes to mind which might be, “No, of course not.” Because her next question will be, “Does that mean you have been so unhappy in our marriage that you wouldn’t want to get married again?” See what I mean? The only answer to the first part of great question #2 is…right…”Huhh? You’ve got to be kidding.” For the correct answer to the second part of great question #2, please got to www.dicksummer.com/podcast