Archive for January, 2015

Dickie-Quickie

Thursday, January 22nd, 2015

Some confessions in the current podcast. For example: Guys don’t always say exactly what we mean. When a guy says “Take a break honey,  you’re working too hard, quite often that means he can’t hear the ball game over the vacuum cleaner. Sometimes a guy will say “Do you want to go to that new fancy restaurant tonight?” when what he means is, “I want to have sex with you.” Occasionally a guy will say, “How about renting a movie and spending a relaxing evening at home?” when he means “I want to have sex with you.” Some guys have even been known to say, “That’s a lovely blouse” when they mean, “I want to have sex with you.” When some guys want to have sex with a woman they will even stoop to telling her they have “Erectile Disfunction” because they know that many of the best women will take that as a personal challenge.

Dickie-Quickie

Wednesday, January 21st, 2015

As I have explained in my book, Staying Happy Healthy And Hot, (did I tell you it was available at Amazon.com?) like most Louie Louie Lads, I must admit that I am a man with decades of experience in not having a clue as to what women are really thinking. For example, I have never understood why women’s magazines keep telling us in big red letters on the cover that all women want sex as much as we do. Oh yeah? If that is the case, then why don’t those women tell us that in person?

Dickie-Quickie

Tuesday, January 20th, 2015

Big Louie’s all time 2 best comments: 1- “If you’ve got any moving parts left, move ’em.” 2- “You can never tell when something wonderful is going to happen.” For other Big Louie stuff, check out www.dicksummer.com/podcast 

Dickie-Quickie

Monday, January 19th, 2015

DANGER!!!!!

 

 

 

 

mr wonderful

 

Guys, Big Louie says under no conditions should you allow this person anywhere near your Lady. To find out why go to www.dicksummer.com/podcast right away!

Dickie-Quickie

Sunday, January 18th, 2015

He is the Hero of the Estrogen Enriched. He’s not especially fond of beer, he never tells fart jokes, doesn’t burp, and won’t have time to watch the football game tonight because he’ll be too busy preparing you a gourmet candle lit dinner for two. He is MR. WONDERFUL. And you can meet him now at www.dicksummer.com/podcast Big Louie says, “Watch out for this guy…he’s covered with women.”

Mr. Wonderful

Friday, January 16th, 2015

The Look Of Love

THE LOOK OF LOVE – FROM MY LADY WONDER WENCH

I am convinced that somewhere near here there is a dedicated group of women who call themselves the “Fed Up Females Federation of America.” And I am sure that it is that group which is responsible for the doll that goes by the name of “Mr. Wonderful.” “ Mr. Wonderful” is sitting right here on my lap in my big, manly, comfortable black leather poppa chair in my living room right now. He’s about 5 inches tall, and he weighs around 6 ounces. He has wavy brown plastic hair, and a big happy-wappy smile. He looks a little like my dentist, Dr. Gumline when he says, “This will just feel like a little pinch,” as he hides a foot long needle behind his back preparatory to digging a root canal into my quivering gum. (For more information about Dr. Gumline and everything else you need to know about men and women, grab my book, Staying Happy Healthy And Hot from Amazon.com) When you push a button “Mr. Wonderful” says things like “Here, you take the remote. As long as I’m with you I don’t care what we watch.” And, “Why don’t you relax and let me make dinner tonight.” My buddy Randy’s wife Bernadette, got “Mr. Wonderful” from a friend of hers…probably the president of the “Fed Up Females Federation of America.” Bernadette and My Lady Wonder Wench are good friends. So the ladies evidently thought that Randy and I could perhaps take some hints from “Mr. Wonderful.” Randy is a pretty steady guy, but he’s a big Phillies fan and I follow the Mets rather regularly, so both of us got a little nervous and teary eyed when “Mr. Wonderful” said, “The ball game isn’t that important. I’d rather spend time with you.” And you should have seen the contented smile on both the ladies faces when “Mr. Wonderful” said, “Let’s just cuddle tonight.” As I have explained in my book, Staying Happy Healthy And Hot, (did I tell you it was available at Amazon.com?) like most Louie Louie Lads, I must admit that I am a man with decades of experience in not having a clue as to what women are really thinking. For example, I have never understood why women’s magazines keep telling us in big red letters on the cover that all women want sex. Oh yeah? If that is the case, then why don’t those women tell us that in person? And if all women want sex as much as we do, why have they programmed “Mr. Wonderful” so that when you push his button he says, “Why don’t we just cuddle tonight.”

Of course guys don’t always say what we mean either. When a guy says “Take a break honey, you’re working too hard, quite often that means he can’t hear the ball game over the vacuum cleaner. Sometimes a guy will say “Do you want to go to that new fancy restaurant tonight?” when what he means is, “I want to have sex with you.” Occasionally a guy will say, “How about renting a movie and spending a relaxing evening at home?” when he means “I want to have sex with you.” Some guys have even been known to say, “That’s a lovely blouse” when they mean, “I want to have sex with you.” When some guys want to have sex with a woman they will even stoop to telling her they have “Erectile Disfunction” because they know that many of the best women will take that as a personal challenge.

Dick’s Details. A bunch of totally un-important stuff for you to stuff in one ear so you can squeeze the important stuff that’s making you uncomfortable around guys like “Mr. Wonderful” out the other ear, and you can finally exhale.

The smart guys in the white lab coats tell us that every seven years the cells in the bones of your skeletal system completely replace themselves. They tell us that’s why if you break a bone and it heals, it will grow back stronger than it was before. Caution. Big Louie says the smart guys in the white lab coats have been wrong before, so don’t run out right away to test the theory by getting into a fight with some big, mean, ugly guy. If the answer is “Everybody in the middle east is getting along great,” what is the question. I’ll tell you in a minute. More word from the smart guys in the white lab coats. They tell us that people shed about 600,000 particles of skin every hour. That means Catherine Zeta Jones lost about fifty pounds of her skin by the time she was 35 years old. Do you think she might have put it in a jar someplace where I could find it? Sean Connery started losing his hair at the age of 21. He wore a tupee in his James Bond films. But you obviously cannot call “Bond, James Bond” bald. You must say he is a person of scalp. Oh yeah, if the answer is “Everybody in the middle east is getting along great” the question unfortunately, is, “What is one headline we will never see in our lifetimes.”

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

I really think things have gotten too complicated. I, of course, would never get caught actually reading any of my Lady Wonder Wench’s magazines, but I can’t help seeing the covers. Meaning no disrespect to the lesbian and gay community about which I simply don’t have a clue…but how come both men’s magazines and women’s magazines usually have women on the front covers? And how come I’m seeing more and more articles about what it means to be a man. If any of you guys are having problems with understanding how to be a man, I would refer you to chapter 46 in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot. It’s called Big Louie’s Top Twenty Tips. Those tips will straighten you out right away. I don’t know if women are confused about what it means to be a woman. Are you? My Email is dick@dicksummer.com , and seriously, if you’re a woman, please drop me an email and tell me about what might be confusing about being a woman these days. There’s a story in my Night Connections spoken word CD and in the current podcast about a young woman who seems to be having a little problem along those lines. She was facing the classic battle between the brain cells and the hormones. There wasn’t much question about which side was going to win on the night in question. But how about tomorrow morning? Seems to me that you could make a pretty good case either way. The story is called, “The Lawyer Lady And The Hunk.” It’s from my second spoken word CD called Night Connections. If you like it, you can keep the current podcast, or if you want a fresh copy just check out the Night Connections icon on the home page.

If the hormones win with the Lawyer Lady and the hunk, and they get married, would he take his clue from “Mr. Wonderful” and say things like, “Oh, can’t your mother stay another week?” I guess it comes down to “When you wake up on the morning after a night of delirious delight, and look across the bed, how do you know you’re looking at somebody you can love for the rest of your life?” The rest of your life. That’s lots of tomorrow mornings… featuring lots of probable conflicts between the brain cells and the hormones. I don’t have the answer to that for everybody, but I’ll tell you what happened to me. My Lady Wonder Wench hit me with a look. It went way past words. Remember Dusty Springfield’s hit song a long time ago called “The Look Of Love.” That’s what it was. I never saw anything like it. It’s real. It’s a physical thing. It doesn’t happen very often, but you can feel it as well as see it when it happens. My Lady Wonder Wench tossed a Look Of Love at me one night. I didn’t expect it. I couldn’t expect it because I had never seen anything like that in my life. And to be honest, I’ve never seen another woman look at any man like that since then either. She still does it every once in a while.

Ever since she did that, I have found myself saying things that even the “Fed Up Females Federation of America” might approve of. Like, “Actually I’m not sure which way to go. I’ll turn in here and ask directions.”

Excuse me while I remove his batteries.

Dickie-Quickie

Friday, January 16th, 2015

Sometimes the estrogen enriched amongst us don’t understand the terrible strain men have to face by sitting here motionless…Focusing in a manly way. Always prepared. That’s why we have to keep the channel changer in one hand, so we can change the channel quickly. We don’t want our loved ones to be blasted by an un-welcome burst of loud commercials or some boring show that doesn’t involve sports. When my computer kept beating me at chess, rather than letting my loved ones become frightened because they were losing confidence in my ability to protect them, I was prepared. I changed the computer competition from chess to kick boxing, and I won big time. Some guys who are truly great, are not always prepared. The great prophet Moses obviously didn’t have a map ready and prepared when he led his people through the desert for 40 years, and brought them to the only place in the middle east that doesn’t have oil. For an even greater understanding of the terrible strain modern men face daily, go to www.dicksummer.com/podcast

Dickie-Quickie

Thursday, January 15th, 2015

Guys have to always be prepared. Big Louie has prepared a list of several helpful hints for Louie Louie guys who are looking for a Louie Louie Lady. For example, when you’re out shopping, ask for help in a supermarket or clothing store. In the supermarket find a likely lady and say “Excuse me, do you know where I can find anchovies…I love them on pizza don’t you?” Another good move is to ask someone interesting to hold your place in line at the check-out counter for a minute. Or in a clothing store, find a lady who doesn’t seem to be in a hurry and say “I need some ties, but I always make lousy color choices. How would this look on me?” Louie says, “In a shopping situation you have about four minutes to make a connection. That’s better than an elevator ride, but not as good as an adult education class.” Big Louie knows. It’s in the book. For more helpfull hints from Big Louie, check out www.dicksummer.com/podcast

Dickie-Quickie

Wednesday, January 14th, 2015

When will women begin to understand the terrible tension that men feel because we must always be prepared…for disasters. Why can’t they realize that we would be so glad to let ourselves be distracted by the simple things in life that would let us relax even for a few minutes…like doing the dishes? That’s the subject for discussion this week at www.dicksummer.com/podcast

Dickie-Quickie

Monday, January 12th, 2015

I hate to see Christmas trees put out with the garbage. When I was a kid in Brooklyn, we burned the trees in the street. Probably a dumb kid thing, but much more respectful than just taking off the tinsel and tossing the tree away. Seems to me it’s a little like lots of human relationships. Take the tinsel and toss the tree.  http://www.dicksummer.com/podcast