I am a completely manly man. I have explained that in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot. Manly. I love using a chain saw. I take out the trash. I fly an airplane. I kill spiders. I have fathered whole schools full of children. I open doors for my Lady, and help her in and out of the car. I occasionally spit and scratch and pick my teeth. I never ask for directions while I’m driving, and I always know a shortcut that the GPS never heard of. I am the Louie Louie Generation’s answer to Tarzan. I was a beach lifeguard when I was a kid. I do thousands of one arm pushups every hour. Well…some hours. I am a fourth degree black belt in judo, karate, and kickboxing. Third degree ? Well I still have my own big, comfortable, black leather poppa chair in my living room, and I sit in it tall, and straight and proud. My hormones are intact and constantly over active. And I am in total shock at something my Lady Wonder Wench did today. It was a little like what happened between Adam and Eve. This thing that cut me to the core has to do with apples. Actually, it has to do with a Motts apple sauce jar.
I’ve always thought that the Motts Apple Sauce company is run for men and by men. They’re guys. That’s why they attach the tops on their applesauce jars so tightly that a women who wants apple sauce has no choice but to keep a man handy, so she can flutter her eyes, and hand him the jar, and say something like: “You’re so strong, and so smart, and so wonderful, could you please open this jar for me?” That’s the only reason the guys at the Motts Apple Sauce company attach the lids on their jars like that. Those lids aren’t designed to be un-screwed by anything less brawny than a manly hand. And of course being a completely manly man, I am supremely capable of twisting those lids off the jars of applesauce, and handing the jars back to my Lady with a dismissive smile.
I like being a man. My magazines have pictures of naked women in them. The female body is a work of art. My hormones admire art. Most Louie Louie Generation guys feel the same way. Conversely, I have seen women actually giggle at the sight of a naked man. My manly medicine cabinet contains five items. A shaver, a toothbrush, some dental floss, a can of Right Guard, and a nail clipper. My Lady’s medicine cabinet contains about 437 items, most of which I cannot identify. But that’s ok. They all contribute to the work of art that is my Lady Wonder Wench. Chocolate is just another manly snack to me. My lady puts yellow police tape around her stash. I can go on vacation and pack just one bag. My Lady packs to go grocery shopping. I have toys, and I play with them at every opportunity. My lady does cross stitch. I have the remote for the TV…and I know how to use it.
I like the cable channels best. The Si-Fi Channel does things like…Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy builds his own girl. The Discovery channel…meet the man who had six sex change operations, and couldn’t come up with anything he liked. CNN…Energy Crisis special…Wolf interviews the guy who invented the electric blanket for two. One sleeps, the other turns the crank. Lifetime Channel…Expose… Cinderella married for money…
The news channels are always looking for terrible stuff…wars and things. But they have standby material ready, and if for some reason a few minutes of peace breaks out, or some other kind of good stuff…they can always make terrible stuff up. They’re good at that.
If I had my own Louie Louie Generation channel, I’d feature happy stuff. I’d show some kid eating a lemon meringue pie, with the meringue piled up so high all you could see was his nose sticking out. I’d show puffs of smoke coming out of a chimney on an icy night. I’d get into the sound your chain saw motor makes just before it catches, and thunder way off in the distance on a summer night. I’d talk about the feeling you get when you stand up straight, put your shoulders back, and smile, and I’d tell you what it feels like to turn around and see a smiling woman who has just given you a really slow and thorough back scratch. I’d tell you what it’s like to hold hands when the hand you’re holding has been holding yours for a very long time. But I wouldn’t avoid the tough questions either. Like how come no man has ever been allowed to watch his woman’s floor exercises. And what would happen if we removed all the warning labels. Do toll booth collectors wear pants. Do nuns ever travel alone. And the toughest question of all…why do guests sometimes ask if you have a bathroom ? Huh ?
Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.
1- What are Mr. Obama and Mr. Biden not allowed to do together ?
2- Why is your love affair like your bathing suit ?
3- Why couldn’t politicians eat at Colby’s Restaurant in 2012 ?
Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.
I am a completely manly man. You would find me listed in Google under words like Audacious. Bold. Brave. Confident. Daring. Fearless. Firm. Gallant. Hardy. Heroic. Perhaps at one time, you might have even found me listed under “Stud.” I am so manly that I’m not afraid of admitting to the other guys that I really don’t watch much football, I do about one beer a week, I frequently change my underwear, and I like Billy Crystal and Sandra Bullock movies. I do not wear my baseball cap when having dinner with my lady. Some music moves me to tears. And I always hold my Lady’s hand…always. I figure if the other guys have a problem with that, it’s not my problem.
Some stories get to me pretty hard too. Especially when they’re true stories, about somebody I know. Like the one in the current podcast called the Quiet Man’s Woman.
The Quiet Man’s name was Billy. He was a New York City cop. A faithful husband and a little league coach kind of father. He was a fall down laughing till the milk pours out of your nose joke teller kind of guy. He was definitely the kind of guy you want standing next to you when things get really nasty. The bad guys got Billy. It was years ago. I still miss him.
The Quiet Man’s Woman is from the Night Connections Personal Audio CD. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just check out the Night Connections icon on the home page.
You can never have too much apple sauce. Some people worry too much about the sugar content of fruit like apples. Some people are always on a diet. But Big Louie his own bad self, the chief mustard cutter of our Louie Louie generation always says unless you have to answer yes to at least 3 of these 5 questions you don’t have to worry about your weight. Here are the questions: #1- Has your neighborhood super market ever offered to send for you with a limo? #2- Have you in the last month burned out more than two refrigerator bulbs ? #3- Do friends often decide to follow you up on the next elevator ? #4- On a recent flight in a 747 has the captain personally asked you to sit in the middle of the plane? #5- Does the left side of your car tend to bottom out a lot ? See that ? You’re probably don’t need to feel guilty about your weight.
Big Louie says we’ve got to stop feeling so guilty about so many things. And he’s got a point. Why is it that parents feel guilty if you leave your kids with a baby sitter to go to a show, but not if you leave them with a baby sitter to go to a night school class ?
So I guess I shouldn’t feel guilty about what I couldn’t do, and my Lady Wonder Wench did. She handed me a jar of Motts apple sauce the other day, and she said, “Oh you’re so wonderful and powerful and manly and strong, could you please open this for me?” Well…she didn’t put it quite that way, but you get the drift here. So I said “Stand back woman,” and I huffed, and I puffed, and twisted and turned, and said nasty things, but mister lid wouldn’t budge. So I went downstairs to my tool chest for my big, manly, plumber’s monkey wrench…and on the way up stairs I heard a Wonder Wenchy giggle. She opened the jar. I said how did you do that ? She said I wiggled it. Huh ? She wiggled it? How the hell do you wiggle a lid off a jar of Motts apple sauce ?
If you listen closely you will now hear from half of the people who are listening right now…the ones who have soprano and alto voices…there is a gaggle of giggles going on, and they are standing up side by side and doing the wave.
I guess that’s all right. Giggles are good. They’re like jogging inside.
