Dick Summer Connection

Well, I don’t think the Lad’s top five are the same as mine … but they’re not bad for a Louie Louie Lad who has finally decided to let the yard fall into the hands of twenty-first century doctors (yes, I know, that’s from a Star Treck episode). 

How far do you go when your favorite Lad is thinking in terms of keeping you as safe as he can and, therefore, doesn’t give you much room to swat flies?  Or … well, mosquitoes, actually, since they don’t bite him but seem to adore me?  I don’t really want him to stop; I just wanna fall on my face (well, elbows anyway) if I have to without having this adorable man have a convulsion for my sake. 

I know, I know – take his care and protection and shut my mouth.  I do … most of the time …

Ed. Note – It’s just what the numbers said. The five most downloaded of the year.

I’ve been sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable, black leather poppa chair, doing these blogs and podcasts for six years as of this month. Actually, I haven’t been just sitting in this chair for six years. I have occasionally gotten up for potty breaks, snacks and several other physically and emotionally functional reasons. But this month starts our seventh year of the Good Night podcasts, and the Dick Summer Connection blogs.

Before we pop the cork on our beginning of the 7^th year celebration, I want to thank you for giving me a few minutes of your valuable time again this year. Thank you if you’ve just joined us. And thank you if you’ve been a part of our “Huddle” from the beginning. Maybe all the way back to the radio days.

This podcast and blog is the inspiration for my new book, Staying Happy Healthy And Hot. It’s about the constant struggle of our Louie Louie Generation lads and ladies against the forces of the clueless Pimple People, and the Drab and Dreary Drones. It’s a reminder that real courage isn’t about beating your chest and hollering “I’m Number One.” Sometimes it’s just about a small voice at the end of the day that says, “I’ll try again tomorrow.” That’s hard. But Louie Louie folks have been through plenty…and although the Pimple People don’t believe it, and the Dreary Drones can’t be bothered, we’ve got plenty of juice left. Plenty of juice for fun, for new friends, for sex, for new ideas, and for turning fantasies into facts. I think we’re especially good at that.

And when things get really tough, we always keep in mind two things that our guy Big Louie always says: “You can never tell when something wonderful is going to happen.” And “If you still have some moving parts left, for crying out loud, move ‘em.”

Ok…cork popping time. Here are the five most downloaded podcasts and blogs of the year. I’ll tell you a little about each one to refresh your memory, and if you like, you can check out the whole blog by scrolling down on the side of the page to the appropriate date, or the podcast by going back to www.dicksummer.com/podcast  and just scroll down there to the appropriate date.

The fifth most downloaded blog and podcast this year is from Sunday August 25^th. It’s called “Unsafe Around Sharp Objects.” It was about getting back from the drug store with a stash of vitamins and magic herbs that will improve my memory, help me sleep, and make my Lady Wonder Wench putty in my arms. And you know those plastic wrappings they put around bottle tops to keep the bad guys from dropping stuff in there while nobody’s looking? Well I grabbed a knife from the drawer and started cutting around the edge so I could open the lid, and my Lady said, “Don’t cut yourself.” She doesn’t trust me with sharp objects. What have I done to deserve that ? (For those of you who have been with us for a while, never mind with your wise guy answers.)

That was the week I decided on the title of my new book…Staying Happy Healthy and Hot…and the rest of the blog and podcast was basically the first chapter of the book. We left you with a suggestion that when somebody you care about makes it clear that she doesn’t trust you with sharp objects… before you come back with some snotty saying, walk into your bathroom and make some funny faces at yourself in the mirror. That will make you grin. And when you grin you win. Because eventually your somebody will pound on the bathroom door and yell “Are you still in there?” And that’s when you say…”NO.” A little surprise never hurt anybody.

Tricky-Dicky was the fourth most downloaded blog and podcast this year. You’ll find it at www.dicksummer.com/podcast , or by scrolling down on the side of the blog page to January 1^st of this year. It’s about the fact that Richard is the name on my pilot’s license and my driver’s license, but my real name is Dick. I like being called Dick. In today’s politically correct world, the word Dick gets a little attention. I like attention. I’m a little put off when people call me Richard. Sister Mary Knucklebuster used to call me Richard in grammar school. And when my Lady Wonder Wench is angry with me, she calls me Richard. The name Dick is short, to the point, and gets your attention. A little like the mini-skirt which I always thought was about the best invention of the 60s. The Politically Correct Forces for Good in the Community huff and puff and call that kind of thinking about mini-skirts “sexist.” I hereby give those folks the words of Big Louie, who quite reasonably says, “If God hadn’t meant for us to be sexist, how come he gave us sex?”

Sunday, September 30^th was the date to look for the Third most downloaded blog and podcast of our seventh year. It’s called, Don’t Worry, Be Happy. It features Big Louie’s 10 Happiness Helpers. For example: Listen to some happy music. Get up and move around a little more. When you move you groove. Stand and sit tall, and walk strong. Stop the slouch. Pull your shoulders back and reach for the sky with the back of your head. When you walk tall and strong, you look at life differently. Walk strong like you’re going somewhere. Strut. Don’t wander or mosey. Try it. People get out of your way. And you start disturbing the hormones of all those who’s hormones you want to disturb for miles around. Fake it till you feel it. Put a smile on your face. It’ll actually make you feel smiley all the way down inside.

There’s a whole long list of other Happiness Helpers in the blog and podcast. They’ll make it easier for you to follow Big Louie’s rule…”Dare to be indifferent. Don’t worry be happy.”

The second most downloaded blog and podcast this year is from October 21. It’s called “Angela’s Fingernails.” Angela was sitting right there on my lap during the podcast. And as she always does, she started scratching my back. I have never met anyone who could scratch my back like Angela. Not even my Lady Wonder Wench. One of the reasons she’s so good at it is that she has seven fingers on one hand. I sometimes take her to bed with me. Our relationship is intensely physical but she can’t get pregnant…and for the gutter minded amongst you…which pretty well describes most Louie Louie lads…don’t jump to conclusions. She’s not a blow up doll. She is so sexy, I’ve occasionally lent her to several of my buddies, and they all had big smiles on their faces when she was finished with them. You may want to find out how this podcast turns out. Just check out the blog or podcast from October 21 of this year.

Here are some of the things we learned in the Dick’s Details section of our top five blogs and podcasts. What makes an octopus feel ugly. What do we know from the research of a scientist by the name of Stumpy. Why did the smart guys in the white lab coats cross human cells with carrot cells. What statement do both astronauts and strippers say a lot. What’s the least believable poll ever published. Why do members of Canada’s Parliament need to wash their socks more often. And what strange accusation did Congress make about the Lone Ranger and Frank Sinatra.  Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

And the number one most downloaded blog and podcast of this year together is from October 28^th. It’s called Thank You For Your Visit. October 28^th was the date my new book, Staying Happy Healthy And Hot was published. And as a very real “Thank You” for visiting me here in my world, I offered a free download of the final draft of the book for one week.

I called the blog and podcast “Thank You For Your Visit,” because I want you to know how special it is for me to have you come to visit my world on this blog and podcast. You’re busy. Everybody’s busy. It sometimes seems like life is either passing you by or running you over. But coming here each week says that you and I share some important understandings. Like, time outs are an important part of every game. And just because we may not look like the people in the beer commercials any more with their perky breasts and fancy abs, there’s damn well no reason to just let ourselves turn into slabs of luke warm meat. And there’s a time for loving and a time for leaving. Sometimes if you get lucky, the space between the loving and the leaving is a lifetime. Sometimes it gets crushed into just one very magic moment. But when you think about it, that’s lucky too, because that’s a once in a lifetime explosion that very few people get to feel.

Thank you for visiting my world. It’s a world full of the smell of rain when the first fat cool drops sink into the warm earth in the spring, and soft breezes and thunderstorms, and the soft splat of spring snow, and laughs with friends, and tears….

Thank you for visiting my world. That’s also what the new book, is really about. Our laughs, tears, hopes and fears. It’s not about looking at life through rose colored glasses. It’s about happily looking through bi-focals that still get steamed up…and sometimes a little tear-ed up, as my Lady Wonder Wench and I watch the Summer of our lives turn to Autumn Gold.

So there you have the most downloaded blogs and podcasts of this year. Next week…the top five most downloaded stories from the Personal Audio CDs on the podcast, and a story about chancing an explosion on our back deck here on the blog. And really…thank you for visiting my world. You’re welcome any time.

My first thought when I read Dick’s blog was … well, never mind, it’s against the law.  Then I figured I would just ignore the entire thing.  But I can’t do that.

 So … first of all, I used to race my Mustang (never the horse, though) and I even won a trophy.  Once.  By accident, I think, although it felt pretty good racing around that course.  So, when the Louie Louie Lad of my acquaintance uses his blog to denigrate my driving and insinuates that my old red Mustang needs to be gelded … well, keep in mind, Lad, that Martha and Babsi do know how to “fix” a horse.  As a by the way, our son Eric once said:  “That horse isn’t ‘fixed’ (meaning gelded)… he’s broken.”

 Hmmmmm …

 It is true that Little Beth and I do get a great deal done when we are together and settling the problems of the world.  But I really don’t think the Lad in question has ever been so far on the edge of annihilation that his seat belt stopped his breathing.

Not yet …

It’s so comfortable sitting here in by big, manly, black leather poppa chair, after spending the last six hours hanging on to the cup holder in my Lady Wonder Wench’s car with my seat belt tightened to the tourniquet setting, as she went careening down the highway, making James Bond skidding hand brake turns, and hurling great Polish curses at the other drivers…one of whom must have lost control of his car as he was zooming down the breakdown lane, because his car swerved back on to the highway right in front of us at about 85 MPH. I estimate that he must have been getting about 20 miles to the fender. It was a long drive back home from a visit with my brother John and his wife Beth down in South Carolina. 

My Lady Wonder Wench likes driving, and I don’t care. I’d rather be flying my little airplane. I think the times they are a changing. I’ve noticed that more and more often, when a man and woman are in the car, it’s the woman who’s doing the driving. It didn’t used to be that way. It used to be that any guy who let that happen would have to spend the rest of his life disguised in a wig and sunglasses so none of the other guys would notice. In my home town…Brooklyn, it would have been grounds for admission to the Federal Helpless Husband Re-location program. It used to be that it was always guys who were in charge of crime, war, spitting, the TV remote, stick ball and highway driving. We figured we were the warriors, the providers, the drivers. We understood mechanical things like cars. When the check engine light came on, we knew what to do. We looked under the hood to check that it was still there. Stand back woman. I’m the man here.

In order to temper the terror of the drive a little, I started keeping track of bumper stickers, and I made a list of the very best 8 bumper stickers seen during the journey. I know you might expect me to pad the list to make it a top ten. I didn’t, because as they said in the movie “Airplane,” “That’s exactly what they’d expect me to do.” I think the decimal system is over-rated. If it’s so important, how come Christ didn’t have ten apostles?

Anyway, here are the top eight bumper stickers we saw on our trip. #8 – This car explodes on impact. #7 – Make love, not war. See driver for details. #6 – Gone crazy. Be back soon. #5- Horn broken. Watch for finger. #4 – To all your virgins…thanks for nothing. #3 – What rear view window. #2 – My other car is a broom. And #1 – Don’t take my signals literally.

Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast. 

1. What’s the latest French kink having to do with birds ?
2. Why should anyone named Robert be interested in a suckling calf ?
3. Who couldn’t get house flies to turn tricks ?

Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.

We had a great time with John and Beth. My Lady Wonder Wench and Beth get into conversations that seem to speed up to at least 60 MPH, with gusts to 90 when they start discussing husbands. And some of the conversations got pretty long and very deep. I think it was about 3AM the other night that we finally agreed that life is a series of connections, a collection of mistakes, and an occasional happy surprise. And love is like like, but much more confusing, and much better. And Big Louie’s most important bit of advice…”You can never tell when something wonderful is going to happen” got four thumbs up.

But John and I were only semi successful in convincing the ladies that being a man is hugely stressful. We tried to get them to understand that if we men don’t overcome our excess humility soon, we’re in big trouble. Women have no idea of the insecurities we face. What do you think we do in our private moments…in our private places…like the bathroom. Sure, we tell you we’re shaving. But actually, we’re so insecure that we’re also standing on the sink to see if our legs are too thin. We tell you we’re washing our face, but we’re really using the styling gel on our chest hair. You think we’re brushing our teeth ? Ha. We’re breathing against the wall to check our breath. You women have forced us into a curious combination of spiritual growth and groveling. But John and I have decided…no more groveling. If somebody wants to see some grovel, we’ll just smile, and hand them a few small pebbles. They can make their own grovel. They can make a grovel driveway as far as I’m concerned.

There’s a story about a different kind of very late night conversation in the Love Comes When You Least Expect It Personal Audio CD. It’s called, Beauty And The Beast. It asks a good middle of the night questions…like how long does real love last ? Sometimes it feels so real, that it will never end.  And once you’re in love, how long would it take to get over being in love ? Long enough to get past the first lie? Does real love last forever ? No matter what ? Or does forever only last till lies begin ?

Beauty And The Beast is from the Love Comes When You Least Expect It Personal Audio CD. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, check out the Love Comes When You Least Expect It icon on the home page.

After surviving another highway trip with my Lady Wonder Wench at the wheel, I started thinking about NASCAR racing. Is it like the World Series in baseball? I mean, when a guy wins a NASCAR race do the guys on his team shower him with 10W 40 in the locker room? Then I was thinking is there some way I can calm my Lady Wonder Wench’s driving down a little? Maybe I could buy her a Ford Mustang, and alter it a bit…turn it into a Ford Gelding.

One thing even He can’t stop – wherever my Louie Louie Lad goes, I go.  He ain’t goin’ nowhere without me.

 As for closing eyes … ever see the kids’ movie Rapunzel?  Remember Eugene?  We’ve got our own Eugene and he is making our yard look even better than it did five years ago.  We may even acquire real grass … as opposed to wild strawberry and moss.  He and Jim spent two days and already I can look out that door and see:  loverly …

 And the best part is, the Lad won’t have to fall off the mower on the cliff in the back … and his ‘de’feet won’t have to bite him in the … and his cranky knee can stop cranking … and that not-so-small inside guy can rear up and feel successful ‘cause the Lad has earned every bit of aid and assistance I can arrange for him.

 Remember that marvelous song “Mud, Glorious Mud”?  Think:  spring, glorious spring.