It’s fedora time. You can’t wear a fedora in the Summer. They’re too hot. In every sense of the word. I call it fedora fever. A fedora slips a hint of Indiana Jones into the way a Louie Louie lad walks. It be-speaks a bit of Bogart. Tom Landry of the Dallas Cowboys and their cheerleaders comes to mind. Michael Jackson tilted his fedora with that one gloved hand, and moon walked in his. A fedora turns a nice, ordinary Louie Louie Generation guy into a smooth, suave, sophisticated one man gland. When we slide on a fedora, and carefully tilt it over one eye, we try to resist the temptation to look in the mirror, close one eye slowly and make a gentle pout with the lips as if we’re saying, “Why not change into something more comfortable…sweetheart.” We do try to resist that temptation, but sometimes we are un-successful. And when that happens, I’ve seen strong women who are otherwise the pictures of health, and have nice frames too, hiding their lovely faces behind their lacy handkerchiefs. I think that’s so we won’t notice they are suffering such puffs of passion that their make up is melting. My Lady Wonder Wench has suggested that there may be other reasons they’re hiding their faces from us, and she has even hinted that there maybe some facial expression of amusement involved. But I’m going with the passion here.
Hats change the way you feel about yourself, and that affects how other people feel about you. Think about it. How safe would you feel if you went to an airport and all the pilots were walking around wearing crash helmets ? How infallible would the Pope look if he were standing there on the balcony at St. Peter’s wearing a derby ? What message would it send to our allies if the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff gave a news conference wearing a sweat stained bandana ? On the other hand, my friend Charles wears a fedora on his television commercials, and it makes him look so suave and sophisticated that some people can’t believe he’s a lawyer. Fedora fever.
A hat is more than just some kind of head gear. Lots of times when a comedian wants to change to a different character on stage, he ducks around and puts on a different hat. You want to be careful how much of a character change you want to make with a hat. A fedora can cost you big bucks in places like Manhattan. The hat itself only goes for around $50, but it makes you very sexy. And that can be expensive in Manhattan. Baseball caps are unique. They aren’t called hats. They’re caps. Friendly. Happy summer time kind of word. Cap. Baseball caps paint a very accurate picture about the guys who wear them. Louie Louie lads wear them peak front, and we take them off in restaurants, especially in the company of our ladies. That’s says we’re gentlemen. Pimple People guys wear them backwards or even sideways. And they probably don’t even take them off in the shower. That says they’re jerks. The opposite of a baseball cap is the homburg. Wearing a homburg says you just haven’t noticed that you died in the 1920s.
I actually tried on a beanie with a propeller on top once. It made me start thinking strange things like, “If fifty rabbits all lined up, and on cue they took one step backward, you’d have a receding hare line.” And I started thinking of new definitions for some words. For example, my friend Susan runs the post office down the block. She’s a very happy, positive person. She’s the exact opposite of the kind of dis-gruntled post office employee who is always causing trouble by shooting people. So if she’s the opposite of dis-gruntled, does that mean she’s gruntled ? And how about the word the politicians and the divorce lawyers always sling around; dependent. Wearing that benie with the propeller made it seem perfectly logical that the word dependent should refer to an adult diaper worn around the neck as a fashion accessory. As in “Hey, look at de-pendant she’s wearing.” And I started wondering if Charles Dickens had written a pasta cook book, would he have called it the Tale of Two Ziti’s ? Looks like I’m safer wearing my fedora.
Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.
1- What drastic threat to the relationships between parents and teenagers are Iphones solving?
2- What problem are the poor oil companies having on the weekends?
3- If you really do follow the yellow brick road where are you liable to find yourself?
Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.
One of the things I like about the chief fedora fever fella, Indiana Jones, is that he’s really a regular guy. He’s not a super-hero who can leap tall building with a single bound, but he’s smart. You get the idea that maybe he could figure a way to get to the other side of the building some other way. Like using the doors on the first floor. And when you put on a fedora, you get an Indiana Jonesy kind of feeling. You start reaching around for your bull whip. If Indy were a professional athlete, he would be a baseball player. He’s not a 7 foot 8 basketball player, or a 400 pound line backer. He gives you the feeling that maybe you really could do some of the stuff he does. That’s why the head gear of choice of so many Louie Louie guys is the Indy fedora. So Indy is a nice guy, with a funny little smile, and a great hat…but there’s a touch of danger about him. That’s a bull whip in his hands, not a can of ready whip. Women like that…a little hint of hot. There’s a story about a guy like that in the current podcast. It’s from the Night Connections 2 Personal Audio Cd. It’s called, “The Headhunter’s Woman.”
I don’t know if that woman planned that or not…slipping out of her high heels, and tracking him down by the light of that beach fire. I think not. I think something just exploded in her that night. I don’t know if it was anger, or lust, or maybe it was something much more powerful…the terrible need for a touch that only a lonely, lost, hurt, little girl can feel.
If you like “The Headhunter’s Woman, you can just keep the current podcast, or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the Night Connections 2 icon on the home page.
I think I should pump a little more fever into my personality. My head has never let me say hot things like, “Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable … sweetheart?” I can do the first part, but the “sweetheart” always comes out sounding silly when I say it. Bogart pronounced it shreetheart, but for some reason it sounded ok coming from him. Another word my head has never been able to use with a woman is “baby.” As in, “Here I am. Now what are your other two wishes… Baaabeee.” It sounds so delightfully sleazy. I kind of doubt that wearing my fedora will ever raise the fever of my favorite female to Harrison Ford levels. But Bogart might be within reach.
Here’s looking at you, shreetheart. Baaayyybeee. What do you think ?