I’m sitting here in my big, comfortable, manly, black leather poppa chair in my living room trying to keep my gratitude attitude going. The gratitude attitude is an important part of my new book, Staying Happy, Healthy And Hot. I’ve got to admit that even for the guy who wrote the book, some days, keeping the gratitude attitude going is a little harder than other days. Something went “pop” in my right shoulder a few weeks ago, and I haven’t been able to do push ups ever since, and I’m feeling fat. I’m trying to apply the gratitude attitude by telling myself, I’m not really getting fat, I’m just getting easier to spot in a crowd. I went to see doctor Boyd, and he basically said, “You know I can’t make you any younger.” I said, “That’s not the point. The point is I want to get a good deal older.”
I guess there is no question that I am entering the third stage of man. In case you forgot, Big Louie, his own bad self defines the three stages of man as youth, middle age, and “Gee you look good.” This third stage terminates when you’ve never been so handsome, but it does you no good because you’re dead. This outburst is the result of coming across an old push ups diary. I used to keep track of doing pushups. The diary reads like this: “Only 90 pushups today. I did 100 yesterday, and that was exciting.” I remember that day. When I got to 90 I said to my body…”well”…and my body said, “well what ?” I said, “Come on. Ten more.” And my body said, “Ten more what?” I said, “Ten more push ups.” And it just locked up…right there, and it said, “If you ever say that to me again, I will just stay locked up like this…arms out like Frankenstein for the rest of your natural life.” I did not know at the time if this was one brief shining moment in the sun, or just a temporary setback on the path to geriatric Shwartzenegger-hood. Sometimes it is difficult for me to convince my body to just say no to negativity.
When I was a kid, I remember that my body used to get mad at my brother Pete sometimes. And sometimes my body really wanted to do the Cain and Able tango with him. That’s when my dad gave me an early version of water boarding. That’s water without the board. When my body got really mad, my dad used to dump my body, with me in it, into a bathtub full of cold water. That quieted my body down pretty fast. It took me a little while to realize that he must have filled that tub first thing in the morning, getting ready for when I needed cooling off. He usually didn’t spank me…he dunked me. I bet he kind of looked forward to my throwing a fit. He probably called his buddy Barney MacGovern and said, “Hey, come on over and we’ll have some laughs. It looks like I’m going to have to dunk the kid.”
Dick’s Details Quiz. All answers are in the current podcast.
- Besides the historical big stuff, what did Moses do ?
- What’s a double negative ?
- What is there about an avocado that you don’t want in your salad?
Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.
Before my body attacked me, I used to go to the gym pretty regularly. I called it my pushup palace. There’s a story about a push up palace queen in the Night Connections Personal Audio CD. She was almost undone by a combination of the smell of sweat, the sound of a guy’s voice, the solid feeling of his hand helping her up, and the simple temptation of being a long way from home and away from anyone who knew her, when…a quick flash of female fire ignited that almost went out of control.
“The Workout Woman” is from the Night Connections Personal Audio CD. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just download it from the Night Connections icon on the home page.
Before my body attacked me, I used to ride my bike past the campus of Penn State University. And every year at exam time, I’d see students sitting in their cars, cramming for exams…holding their heads, making faces, and looking at textbooks like they’d never even heard of the subjects. And I remember thinking these pimple people are studying architecture, law and medicine. They are going to become architects, lawyers and doctors. And I remember thinking that the next time I go to the 100th floor of the Empire State Building, I’m going to remember that architecture student looking at his textbook like he didn’t recognize a word of what he was reading. And when the building starts to sway in a high wind, I’ll probably remember that scared look he had on his face…and that’s not going to make me feel very good. When my lawyer is standing next to me in court, and the bad guys are trying to grab my goodies, I’ll remember that same expression on that law student’s face. And when the doctor thumps my chest, puts on his rubber glove and puts his hand in disgusting places and then backs away from me…well …you understand I’m sure.
I’m not really in terrible shape. Yet. My rock may be stuck, but I can still roll. I like going for a brisk sit. Actually, I have everything I had 20 years ago, only now it’s lower. I can’t do 100 pushups any more, but I can do stuff now that I couldn’t do 20 years ago. The Gratitude Attitude, from Staying Happy, Healthy And Hot. Just the other night, my landing light went out while my Lady Wonder Wench and I were coming back from a flight…she didn’t scream and I landed safely. I couldn’t have done that 20 years ago. Gratitude Attitude. I’m pretty much over that knee operation I had a few years ago. 20 years ago, my knees were just going bad. Gratitude Attitude. Staying Happy, Healthy And Hot. Got my flu shot, and didn’t get the flu. Yet. Still have a silly streak, because I keep thinking every time somebody gets a flu shot there’s a voodoo doll out there having a really bad day. Gratitude Attitude. Even when I say things like that my Lady Wonder Wench still hasn’t run off with that George Clooney. Yet.